Saturday, August 30, 2008

Standing your ground

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Standing your ground

Current mood: okay Category: Life

Crazy is the best way to describe this last week. Crazy crazy craaaaaazzzeeeee. There has been some work drama brewing for a long time that finally spilled over and made for a very ugly scene. I was not directly involved but when there are only 3 people in your office it is hard to not be affected. The whole thing ultimately reminded me though of how important it is to always stick to what you know is right and be true to who you are. The details of the drama has no importance but what I am pleased about is I really stood my own ground and when my opinion was asked for I gave my views, stuck with the facts, did not get emotional or take anything that was going on personally (the same cannot be said for other that were involved, trust me). I just knew through all the building tension and the final blow up that I was in a good place because I was able to stand firm on my merits (who I am and what I have contributed to the team) and kept a very logical and cool head about me.

Now those who know what has gone on in my life the past 2 years have an appreciation of what a moral victory that is for me. It can take a lifetime to learn that lesson and it takes a lot of life experience to hammer the point home but in this case, I got it and it worked out to my advantage. I was my bold, blunt, "it is what it is" observational self. I offered my opinions and insight when asked and answered not from any agenda but with what the best result for the office, company and individual would be. I took the high road at all times and I feel very good about my role and how this gives me some major cred for future situations. There is huge value to showing people you can keep it together and be level headed in times of stress and chaos. That's not to say I didn't get very mad and blow off steam but when I did, it was to the right person. Someone I could trust and who could actually do something about the situation. It was not my battle to fight or win but I certainly had a role and I did my part well. Ok, done patting myself on the back now. Yay me...blah blah blah....

Now the interesting side effect of the above situation (and the reason I mentioned it at all) is how it tripped one of my emotional triggers. After the whole caper blew wide open I needed to step away and just collect my thoughts and as I was driving around I really wanted to stop at a drive through and get a big chocolate shake. It was all I could do to stop myself from giving in to that desire. And as a result I have been having a ton of cravings this week and thinking about just chucking this whole thing and diving into a big plate of pasta. I was aware that I have often rewarded myself with food. It has long been my habit to go and load up on junk food on a Friday night as an end of the week treat and I also knew I depended on comfort food to take the edge off an emotional day but seeing and feeling these triggers pop up now is very interesting. I am still sticking to the diet but one night this past week I went a little over the protein requirement and at that moment I could see very clearly that my feet are, and will be for some time to come, at the edge of a very slippery slope. Sliding off the edge is just a teeny mis-step away. Scary to think something I am putting so much effort into can be lost in an instant. I never really classified myself as an food addict although I do think that along with depression there is a strong tendency in my family towards addiction (which is why I never ever got into drugs and only ever drank moderately- I was scared of getting to far into it where I lost control) but I can see now some very "addict like" behaviors in myself- so much for avoiding the bad stuff. It's scary and horrifying to start to see and feel how out of control I have let myself go.
I did have my first doctors appointment at the clinic last week and after a little flux I am officially at 24.5 lbs down and more importantly I have lost 3% of my body fat. What is important about that number is it does not measure any fluid loss (which varies depending on a lot of things) it measures actual body mass (its called BMI- Body Mass Index). So, good news but it is very clear to me right now that this is indeed a marathon and not a sprint (as the doc told me) and there will be weeks were the news is not good but all there is to do is to re-commit everyday to getting the end result that I want. Oh, I have also started some light exercise per the doc (15-20 mins of walking per day) which I am hoping will get easier and I'll be able to do more once I get the lymphodema in my legs under control. I should be getting my leg pump (which re-circulates the fluid that has built up in my legs that my lymph system is failing to do now...did I mention that this is chronic and I'll have to deal with it the rest of my life along with my thyriod issues? Fun!). But I do look forward to a more physical and active life...just in time for 110 degree days. Oh boy.

Ok....I think that is about it. I have bored y'all enough for this week. I love you all.

xoxo -T

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