Sunday, March 28, 2010

Room in my heart

Staying up late to write a post.....and by late I mean past 9pm. (sigh) What has my life become?? I am now a person who gets up at dark o'clock. Ugh. I now work 6am-3pm since I am working the EST time zone. Getting up that early blows but I am getting used to getting off at 3pm and still having tome during the day to get stuff done so....makes it a bit more bearable.

Well the BIG news is I can officially announce the newest addition to my family. My niece Holli gave birth to my grand nephew Cashten Mikel. He is beautiful and mother and son are doing well. I am so excited to come home and meet him in June. Love you Holli and love Cashten too!!

I want to give a really good reason for not writing as much this month as I had planned and the new schedule seems like a really good excuse but the truth is I have once again just been getting in my own way. I wish there was some kind of warning life could give us- like the arms that come down at railroad crossing that stop us when we are about to get into our own way. But life isn't that simple.

The hell of it is you hurt yourself when you do it but you hurt the people around you as well. It kills me to think of how much I have been hurting Chris because of my own stupid insecurities and by inner demons. I just have this need to push ahead and want more even than I have even though I know there are very good, sound, rational reasons for waiting and letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

It is my new challenge in life to relax, breathe and accept what the moment has to offer and to not let myself get upset or frustrated by what I don't have (yet).....especially when what I do have is so amazing and wonderful and more then I ever dreamed I would have in the first place.

So Chris- this is my public and heartfelt apology to you for letting you think for a second that you are anything less then my dream come true and thank you for all you have given me and how happy you make me everyday.

I wish it was as simple as boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. I mean, on the broadest possible scale I suppose that is what happens but damn it sure does leave out a LOT of details doesn't it?

I watched a really great movie this weekend called Feast of Love (Netflicks- check it out) and there was a scene where one of the characters was talking about a very sad tragedy and he said"Wow- god must really hate us. I mean, he must despise us to give us so much pain..." and the other character said "No, I don't think it works like that. I think God gives us all this pain because he also gave us such big hearts to be able to absorb all the pain. We couldn't handle so much pain unless we had big hearts too..."

The master appears when the student is ready and I think that is the message I was meant to get from the universe right now. Yes there is alot lot of pain in my life (and yours) but we wouldn't have gotten this pain unless we had the room in our hearts to wrap it up and make it better- and make ourselves stronger for having absorbed it.

That's all.....

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What's longer than a quickie?

I know,I know I posted a "quickie" with a promise of a longer blog to follow and then I slack. Bad Tracey! Bad!!

Things have been super crazy the past few weeks....I know, when are they not in my world eh? (* please note the Canadian influence- can't avoid it, I am becoming one of them!! eep!!)

So work has been INSANE. Our role has changed and I have a new territory which is in the EST. Which means I now have to work 7- 4 and might have to go to 6-3 if we don't hit our number. Now those of you who know me know how much I am NOT a morning person so getting up at O'dark o'clock is NOT my idea of an ideal schedule. And yes I get to leave "earlier" in the day but considering I am wiped out by 4pm and go to bed at 9pm now It's still not much of a gain. (Btw- remember when you saw your parents go to bed early and thinking how lame they were and how they couldn't hang? sorry mom and dad-I get it now!)

And to make things even better Chris had a schedule change at the same time and he is working 2-10pm and his "weekends" are Monday and Tuesday. He came over and stayed Tuesday (yay for sleepovers!) but I was done by 9pm and he didn't come to bed until 11pm. Oh yeah, we are a hot and wild couple.

So that sucks.....trying very hard to not bitch about it cuz its not gonna change any time soon but the level of suckiness is very frustrating to say the least.

And this schedule changes hit at the exact time I started back on the Cookie Diet so it really knocked my body out of its routine which is why I was vulnerable to getting sick. I had a really nasty stomach flu that started Friday, got serious on Sunday night (been a loooong time since I spent the night on the bathroom floor, ahhh college memories) and lasted Tuesday (tried to go to work, they took one look at me and sent me home- great, glad I look that good) and finally shook itself loose yesterday (I credit my boy making me a yummy dinner as the cure- and getting boytime of course).

Diet update you ask? Honestly I am not tracking the number so much as my goal is to get back to where I was in July but if I do add up the lbs it is 15 lbs so far. I still have about 25ish to go before I am back to where I was when I went off course and then once I hit that I have another 40 to go.

Getting back into the routine is pretty easy actually and they switched up the cookies so they taste better than I remember (bonus). I must admit it is still very hard to date and diet. Chris is so great and supportive and I don't want to limit where we go when we do go out (he shouldn't have to suffer) but even the smart choices are more than ideal. Finding those good choices is still a work in progress and the lifelong challenge I have to look forward to.

So yeah....that is really what has been up the last few weeks. I know some of you have noticed less Facebooking than was my norm and this is why. Stupid work getting in the way of FB updates. Geesh, the nerve! case anyone hasn't heard I AM coming home in June (weekend of the 12th) for my OG BFF Kim's wedding and VERY much hope to have a boy with me. There are just too many variables for him to commit right now but I will be there for sure and he is about 70% positive. I am looking forward to coming home during some nice weather. (Snow in April last year?? I'm looking at you!!) I will also be able to meet my Grand NEPHEW who is almost here. Miss Holli Ann is less than week away from being a mommy!! (sooner if she gets her way!) so that will be awesome.

Ok....that's the news for now. I'll get to something deep and thoughtful later but I thought I'd better post before Fran filed a missing Tracey report!

Later kiddies.....

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


What better way to start off a morning that with a quickie? Blog I mean....geesh, you people!

So much is going on I just wanted to jot down a quick note to promise that details will be coming soon. Things at work are incredibly busy (which is great) so that is taking up a bunch of time. I will catch up soon so hang in there until I do...

So my weekend of giving back and volunteering for Rapport was amazing (as Rapport experience always are). As I said I will go into more detail later but I wanted to share my biggest take-away. (I am sharing this with the permission of the person who said it) One of the students said that moving forward after this class he is going to "be more aware of the eternity of his "decisions."

I thought that was awesome and something none of us do enough of- really consider how whatever decisions we make cause ripples that reach out further than we can ever know.

Kinda gives me chills....

And my second update is I did indeed start the Cookie Diet Monday as planned. The cookies actually taste better then I remember and I am getting back into the groove. I am not working out this week (aside from my usual little walk-abouts on my lunch break) while my body adjusts to the diet BUT I have lost 4 lbs in the first 2 days. Last time I did the diet I was hitting about 20lbs a month. I am not hung up on the numbers I just want to keep at it until I hit my goal.

More details on all later I just wanted to get this quickie update out.

::::lights a cigarette::::

Ahhhh, was it good for you too?