Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Someone thinks you are special

I was just reading a blog called Single Dad Laughing about Dan (the author) sending out a text to 218 random people basically telling them they are special. You can click the hyperlink to read the responses for yourself. Some are funny, some are sad and most did not reply.

It's the ones who did not reply who I am thinking about. Did they just delete as a wrong number or did they for even a second stop to let the message soak in? Were they able to believe for a single moment that someone in the world truly did think they are special and deserved being told so?

My guess is no. We are so hard wired to push away compliments- especially when we feel they are undeserved. I have to admit my husband and I are both very bad at just accepting the love and nurturing and unconditional love that we heap upon each other- and we do- yet there are still those little voices we all have that whisper "not you- no one could love you." Not true of course- totally the opposite in fact and yet....

I have 248 contacts in my phone....I wonder how many of them (you) know how much I love and appreciate them.      

Perhaps I will poke a few to find out :)

*****update: I have sent out about 75 messages and lots of awesome comments have been sent back including this one from my husband.*******

I highly suggest doing this and if you got a message from me just pay it forward to someone else ! 

Monday, April 28, 2014

Looking back to move forward

It had occurred to me that there has been a significant gap in time since I have last put my thoughts out into the universe and some of the people in my life are brand new to this blog and are not aware of why it started and what it means to me.

It really started in 2008 and just to give you some scope it started on MySpace (I wonder if Tom misses all his "friends"?). I started it right after I lost my brother after he committed suicide. I spent a gut wrenching week with my family and when I came home I felt so alone and isolated that by writing the blog I could keep connected to my family and friends who knew me- and my brother- the best.

It was in the healing process of learning to live with my brothers death that I start a weight loss journey eventually losing 200 lbs. I also lost my beloved Grandma who means the world to me .

I also had many single girl dating disasters and eventually met and married my husband. That's pretty much when I stopped for many reasons which I may or may not rehash later.

What happened in the gap is  something I will probably bounce back to in time so I won't go into any great detail except tp say the most amazing thing I have ever done happened- I became a mother to the most beautiful child in the world. Her name is Quinn and if anyone is reading this you probably already know all about her. :) 

If you do care to visit the archives I will tell you especially the early posts are pretty raw emotions. I have always done my best to keep this place pure and honest. This is my no BS zone and I really mean that for myself more than anything else. This is a space where I get real and honest with myself. This is my time to sit in front of the mirror and really dig into it (whatever "it" is at the time).

Next- the reason I have named this blog Laughing Stars- I still can't read it without crying and as I looked this up to post here I had a vision of reading this to my daughter to explain to her why this is important to Momma and I lost it....I love you Troy and Grandma. Watch over us....we need your love!

From The Little Prince:
"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Know thyself

As I start getting back into this blog and give my inner voice a mic I have been randomly clicking through the archive to read past entries. I don't know if every writer has this experience but once I write something it's like I have deleted a file and it's gone from my head. My main purpose in blogging was always to clear my head so in that sense it is good to get it out and clear the decks but it's so odd to me to re-read past entries. 

I recognize my writing voice and clearly I wrote it but it's almost like reading someone else's diary even though it happened to me. Like I said that might seem cray-cray to you all but it's even odder for me. Even so I am glad to have this to refer back to and experience again. The time after losing Troy was so utterly life changing and in the time since literally everything in my life had changed. 

I really haven't decided what I am doing with this yet but I do know it felt good to come back here and curl up for a bit. Thanks for coming along :) 

Friday, April 25, 2014

Because I'm Happppeeeeeee

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.- Ferris Bueller"

There is no question life in at Cayer Castle is crazy. There are several project launches, full time J O B S, normal daily maintenance and oh yeah there is life with a VERY active toddler named Quinn. So with all this craziness what's a momma to do so life gets not only lived but fully appreciated?

Enter the #100happydays challenge! If you haven't heard of it click on the link for the origin but basically it is taking a minute to find what makes us happy- take a pic and post it with the hashtag. Easy peasy! 

What I like about this is it helps us focus and reframe all the chaos that is constantly swirling around us- well, me at least!!  :) 

Even more fun is I have thrown out this challenge to my family to participate in as well. Is this going to change the world? Maybe not today but what it can do is help make the bad stuff quieter and give voice to the really good stuff that is just sitting there waiting to be noticed. 

Feel free to join in!!

Here is my first post: My teenaged wish list for my dream man: cute, quirky, has an accent, brown eyes and someone who would sing to me. He is my dream come true and so much more. Happiness starts with him. #100happydays #myhusband #theboy

Thursday, April 24, 2014

I love your Curves and all your Edges

I love you. You have stood tall and proud on this earther for nearly 44 years. There have been many obstacles to overcome and you have kept your head down and kept on moving the chains even when it seemed hopeless. You care deeply about so many things and when something hurts you it hurts so beautifully that your whole being feels the pain. Never change that- keeping yourself open to things that can hurt you is what makes you so amazing. You have hope- even when there doesn't seem to be a reason to hold out.

You are quick to smile and to laugh and to help a friend in any way you can. You are thoughtful and often will buy or send someone something that they mentioned in passing just to make them smile. You love giving the people around you reasons to smile and will do whenever you can to let them know you care.

You are organized and do a great job at keeping things on track and moving in the right direction. Your attention to detail has save more than one butt over the years including your own.

You have soft, tender eyes and thick, lush hair and are very huggable.

You have inspired many with the journey you have taken and there are many who can't wait to see what comes next.

You have the cloak of a true and good man about you all the time. You can know at every minute of every day you are loved completely to the core of your being and that you love equally in return.

You created the most beautiful little girl in the world. She has your gentle heart and every time you look at her you can know you have done what you were put on this earth to do.

You aren't perfect Tracey- none of us who walk this earth are- but you are very special and I love you.

***I was inspired to write this by my husband who is always asking me to see in myself what he sees and also by a lovely lady names Tatiana who goes by the name @beatfacehoney on Instagram. She posted a note to herself and it made me think how lovely it would be if we all did the same. It wasn't easy but if I am going to teach my daughter to love herself completely I need to start with myself.