Finding my voice

Om - Divine Guidance Oracle Cards

The meaning of this card is two-fold. Firstly, it is calling for more time in meditation and prayer. Energetically you are needing some time alone with yourself, in your inner-space. Through meditation you are able to connect more deeply with your highe...r-self and your guides. Energetically, this is vital for you. Secondly, this card calls you to focus on the power of your voice to facilitate the opening of your throat chakra. This vocal expression, whether through chant, prayer or even singing, is important for you right now.

So this is from a FB app I pulled today....one of my friends had it on her page and I clicked on it on a whim (isn't how they all getcha?)

I have to say this is pretty much spot on for where I am in my head right now. After the last blog (did you read it? yeah- neither did anyone else) I sat down with Chris and told him what I posted (he hadn't read it either- told ya you weren't alone). Now the irony is that his business is really taking off (yay!) and one of the biggest things he is doing is what he calls "Business Modeling" where he sits down with someone and basically crawls into their gray matter and helps to guide them to where their path is in life then he helps them roadmap how to get there. Pretty handy eh?

Expect the issue is that I need to find out who I am as a separate entity from my husband so although I am blessed with the world greatest resource I can't use him because that would defeat the whole purpose of me finding out who Tracey Cayer is separate from Chris.

So back to the car d reading- the second bit about finding my voice is pretty key for me right now. I spend a lot of time at Chris's office and am often asked my opinions about stuff but I find myself holding back because that is not my world and not my place to really assert myself. It's so funny that I spent so much time and effort when we were first dating to bring Chris into my world and get him connected with all the movers and shakers I knew that now that he has his own relationshipsand a solid network all on his own it is me who is feeling left out and out of place. Now because of anything he (or anyone else) has done but because I have not made a home for myself inside my own skin.

I really feel like I have been on this single minded destination for so long- I was the point person for most of the wedding planning so for the last 8 months or so that has been my all consuming thought. It is awesome to not have to think about flowers or favors or any of that stuff anymore and I don't miss being in that hyper planning mode at all!

Now its time to shift gears and my energy back to me. Chris is well on his way to building his empire. I have done all I can to help him put a solid foundation down to keep it solid and stable.....now me.

What do I want to do? Where am I going next as a woman? As a wife?

So the first part of the card sounds like a good plan for now. Time to get into my own head and heart and see what is there for me....

The new Tracey

:::tap, tap:::::::

is this thing on?

does anyone care anymore?

Are you still out there?

I wouldn't blame you if you had moved on. I have been hiding out- mostly from myself. Don't get me wrong some amazingly wonderful things have been happening in my life not the least of which is I married the man of my dreams. If that is the only thing I had to report it would be amazing and mind blowing and a lifetime dream come true.

For those of my "friends" on Facebook- you pretty much are up to speed with the pictures and the schmoopiness of all the wedded bliss but this space is for something else- at least today it is. Today this space calls to me to ask the question "Hey Tracey- where did you go?"

Pretty powerful question actually.

I am not sure of the answer.

I feel a bit lost to tell the truth. Somewhere in the last little bit I have lost "ME". I let go of "me" and have kinda of drifted.

It was a conscious choice and very deliberate. I told myself all kinds of reason and excuses for doing it. I needed to focus on helping Chris grow his business. I needed to plan the wedding. I needed to take a break from all the ups and downs and drama that my life had been.....

None of that is the real answer.

The truth is I have been hiding and I feel like I have been losing myself.

I guess part of what is underscoring this right now is going through the process of changing to my married name.

Again- let me be crystal clear. I am happy and thrilled to take Chris's last name as my own. I am very proud of him and excited to be his wife and start creating a new family under the Cayer name. There was never a question of doubt that this was the right choice for me and it is a good thing.

That doesn't mean it's not a little sad for me as well......

It really feels like I am shedding a skin and on the verge of becoming a new person. Tracey Herrick is disappearing....with each account I update I feel she is slipping away a bit more and that is kinda sad. I went through a lot with her and she was always there for me. So as I shed one skin and start looking in the mirror at the new person that is emerging it worries me that I don't know who she is or what she is about.

I don't know what she wants from life, what her passions and dreams are and how she is going to get there.

She is standing there- all blinking and brand new and I am not sure what to do with her.

I guess I will have to take her for a test drive, maybe go out for coffee and talk a bit.

I hope she likes me......

The Engagement

On March 19th Christopher George Cayer asked Tracey Luann Herrick to be his bride and she said yes.....

Many of you are aware that this whole wedding thing has been in the works for some time so the proposal was not exactly news of the century. However that does not mean that it wasn't one of the most wonderful, special and romantic days of my life.

To back up a bit I have to explain why we waited to make "the big announcement" when it was a foregone conclusion. Chris and I have made a habit of doing things in our own way and this sometimes conflicts with his traditional nature. I was always fine with plowing ahead and planning the wedding, getting the rings whenever and filling in the blanks as we went. The boy had other ideas.....

For me, to be engaged all that needed to happen was a certain question be asked. For the boy- he couldn't ask the question until he had a ring in hand to present as a symbol of said commitment. This created a bit of a stand off and my own quirk was I didn't feel I could call myself engaged if I had never been asked "the question" so we decided to keep the wedding quiet and really only tell the close family and friends who we were inviting about it. We are only having about 35 people total so this was a short list.

We had actually picked out rings a few months ago once we started to plan the wedding so when we were ready for the big step we went to check them out and in true girly fashion I totally changed my mind and picked out something completely different than I had before.

Saturday morning we did our normal errands then Chris disappeared to do "boy stuff" and I was told to be ready at 5:30. I was all gussied up when Chris burst through the door with a dozen roses in hand as he hopped in the shower to get himself ready to roll. As we started out Chris started asking me questions about our life together and my best memories which I soon found out was the theme for the night- memory lane.

Our first date was at a place in the Biltmore Fashion Square Mall (a pretty high end mall for the non AZ folks) called True Food. We didn't go there but in some ways even more fitting we went to a very nice restaurant in the same locale called Christopher's. Chris said he wanted to make sure the branding was consistent (little marketing humor). We had a wonderful meal and chatted about our memories all through dinner.

After that vour next destination was the sight of another of our first dates and the place where we took what you all know now is our engagement photos- the Double Tree Resort in Scottsdale. It was the night of the SuperMoon and it was bright and beautiful as we strolled the grounds and took in the peace and beauty there. We ended up at their dock where we took a turn in the gondola boats they have and was serenaded by an Italian opera singer. The only imperfection was the couple we were doubled up with chatted through the whole song. (sigh)

We left the resort and headed to our final destination- the courtyard of the Borgata. This location was where Chris took me on my first ever picnic date and we have often gone back there to enjoy the fountain, the purple twinkle lights on the tress and listen to the music they have playing there. He picked this location because he felt it was when he truly won my heart. He brought some goodies with him which included wine (including new glasses), a chocolate fondue set, strawberries, blackberries, marshmallows and bananas. We started our dessert course and Chris told me I was the love of his life and as he dropped to one knee asked me if I would do him the honor of marrying him. I was beaming and hugged and held him close. Then I kissed him and looked into his eyes and it wasn't until I was a spark of concern I realized I hadn't said yes yet! I quickly said yes and as relief washed across his face we kissed and toasted and floated on a little cloud al the way to our home.

So after the wait for the ring and for the boy do ask the question in his way I do have to admit I am glad we did it the way we did. We planned when we were suppsed to, we got engaged when we were supposed to and we will be getting married in the way that is right for us.

I can't wait for the happily ever after part with the man I love.....