Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Finding my voice

Om - Divine Guidance Oracle Cards

The meaning of this card is two-fold. Firstly, it is calling for more time in meditation and prayer. Energetically you are needing some time alone with yourself, in your inner-space. Through meditation you are able to connect more deeply with your highe...r-self and your guides. Energetically, this is vital for you. Secondly, this card calls you to focus on the power of your voice to facilitate the opening of your throat chakra. This vocal expression, whether through chant, prayer or even singing, is important for you right now.

So this is from a FB app I pulled today....one of my friends had it on her page and I clicked on it on a whim (isn't how they all getcha?)

I have to say this is pretty much spot on for where I am in my head right now. After the last blog (did you read it? yeah- neither did anyone else) I sat down with Chris and told him what I posted (he hadn't read it either- told ya you weren't alone). Now the irony is that his business is really taking off (yay!) and one of the biggest things he is doing is what he calls "Business Modeling" where he sits down with someone and basically crawls into their gray matter and helps to guide them to where their path is in life then he helps them roadmap how to get there. Pretty handy eh?

Expect the issue is that I need to find out who I am as a separate entity from my husband so although I am blessed with the world greatest resource I can't use him because that would defeat the whole purpose of me finding out who Tracey Cayer is separate from Chris.

So back to the car d reading- the second bit about finding my voice is pretty key for me right now. I spend a lot of time at Chris's office and am often asked my opinions about stuff but I find myself holding back because that is not my world and not my place to really assert myself. It's so funny that I spent so much time and effort when we were first dating to bring Chris into my world and get him connected with all the movers and shakers I knew that now that he has his own relationshipsand a solid network all on his own it is me who is feeling left out and out of place. Now because of anything he (or anyone else) has done but because I have not made a home for myself inside my own skin.

I really feel like I have been on this single minded destination for so long- I was the point person for most of the wedding planning so for the last 8 months or so that has been my all consuming thought. It is awesome to not have to think about flowers or favors or any of that stuff anymore and I don't miss being in that hyper planning mode at all!

Now its time to shift gears and my energy back to me. Chris is well on his way to building his empire. I have done all I can to help him put a solid foundation down to keep it solid and stable.....now me.

What do I want to do? Where am I going next as a woman? As a wife?

So the first part of the card sounds like a good plan for now. Time to get into my own head and heart and see what is there for me....

Monday, June 20, 2011

The new Tracey

:::tap, tap:::::::

is this thing on?

does anyone care anymore?

Are you still out there?

I wouldn't blame you if you had moved on. I have been hiding out- mostly from myself. Don't get me wrong some amazingly wonderful things have been happening in my life not the least of which is I married the man of my dreams. If that is the only thing I had to report it would be amazing and mind blowing and a lifetime dream come true.

For those of my "friends" on Facebook- you pretty much are up to speed with the pictures and the schmoopiness of all the wedded bliss but this space is for something else- at least today it is. Today this space calls to me to ask the question "Hey Tracey- where did you go?"

Pretty powerful question actually.

I am not sure of the answer.

I feel a bit lost to tell the truth. Somewhere in the last little bit I have lost "ME". I let go of "me" and have kinda of drifted.

It was a conscious choice and very deliberate. I told myself all kinds of reason and excuses for doing it. I needed to focus on helping Chris grow his business. I needed to plan the wedding. I needed to take a break from all the ups and downs and drama that my life had been.....

None of that is the real answer.

The truth is I have been hiding and I feel like I have been losing myself.

I guess part of what is underscoring this right now is going through the process of changing to my married name.

Again- let me be crystal clear. I am happy and thrilled to take Chris's last name as my own. I am very proud of him and excited to be his wife and start creating a new family under the Cayer name. There was never a question of doubt that this was the right choice for me and it is a good thing.

That doesn't mean it's not a little sad for me as well......

It really feels like I am shedding a skin and on the verge of becoming a new person. Tracey Herrick is disappearing....with each account I update I feel she is slipping away a bit more and that is kinda sad. I went through a lot with her and she was always there for me. So as I shed one skin and start looking in the mirror at the new person that is emerging it worries me that I don't know who she is or what she is about.

I don't know what she wants from life, what her passions and dreams are and how she is going to get there.

She is standing there- all blinking and brand new and I am not sure what to do with her.

I guess I will have to take her for a test drive, maybe go out for coffee and talk a bit.

I hope she likes me......