Saturday, August 30, 2008

Don’t fear change

Friday, April 25, 2008

Don’t fear change
Category: Life

Change has been on my mind a lot lately- you have been witness to some of them as I archive this process for all to share with me. I don't know what drives me to change- it certainly is not a family trait. I am the only one in my family who does not still live in Iowa. Pretty much everyone put their feet on a path and have been walking it pretty steadily ever since and have not changed much since. I have always been a bit more restless than that. I have lived in 3 states (so far) I have had 4 jobs in the last year (not entirely my fault) and now I am embarking on the biggest change of all right now.

Then there is the big change that shook everyone in my life's world, the death of my brother. My whole family is still struggling with the change that has caused. It has changed all of us and the ripple effect of his passing is still being felt. I have greatly improved my relationship with my father and cousins (love you guys!) but I am barely speaking to my mother all as a result of the change we have gone through. And I know the kids are struggling so hard....I want so much to sweep in and give all this advice but I know they have to walk their own path and be their own creators of the change they want. I hope all my family comes to understand that we create the good we experience and good will come of this. I have used this tragedy to kick myself in the ass as hard as I possibly can. No more excuses, no more hiding. My brother and I shared our greatest fear- to be alone. He chose his way to deal with his fear and I chose to keep myself so far away from love (and its handy counterpart- rejection) that I threw myself into work (taa-daaa, Professional Barbie to the rescue) and abused my body so much that no one would want me. My weight has been a nice "keep away" sign that I strapped on and have hid behind ever since. It's actually pretty scary to think of the end result of all this....what the hell am I gonna hide behind once the weight is gone? And as far as the kids being afraid of who they are now that this has happend to them...I can only hope my example and support shows them there is a good path that they can walk from here. Not an easy one....but one that will lead them somewhere good, somewhere my brother would be proud of.

Ok...I have kept you waiting long enough. I have lost a total of 23lbs now! I will admit that cravings have been popping up so I have been having "mental meals" where I just remember having whatever it is I am craving. It helps....a little. BUT after I have that thought my inner warrior is right there with a big ol "you KNOW its not worth it" and he is right. I wouldn't trade a single pound for anything. I will earn every inch that melts off and I am sticking to it.

Change is good....

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