Sunday, November 30, 2008

Make a different choice

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Make a different choice

Current mood: focused

Category: Life

Ok, self ass kicking time. I preach and preach to the people in my life about taking accountability and responsibility for their lives and their choices. Life doesn't just happen to you, you control the events of your life with the choices that you make everyday and each day is anopportunity to make a difference choice. If you don't like what happened today then make a different choice tomorrow!

I have let myself slip into a dark place. As my sister told me last night- you don't need to read a blog to know where my head is at. I have been guilty of letting a few people really effect some personal choices and decisons I have made so it's high time that I am remind myself that -I- am in charge of my life. As much as I wish I could, I have not yet mastered the ability to make the kids play MY reindeer games (like the seasonal reference?? thought so...) but be warned- shit's gonna go down differently once I master the Jedi Mind trick!! (And I just watched Star Wars (the OG) last night so watch out!!)

So.....time to do what I can with what I have. I need to be a bit more selfish and realize that as I keep myself healthy and strong that will benefit everyone around me. I can't lift anyone up if I am sinking in the water myself. The first rule of emergency rescue is always secure your own safety first. That is what I need to do now. I will secure my own safety lines (wow, can you tell I watched Whale Wars today?) and make sure the first person I save- is myself.

I don't plan on being perfect and I'll probably stumble in the next few weeks but I am going to keep coming back to the line in the sand I am drawing right now and remember that TODAY I am making different choices that will set me up as best I can for tomorrow and beyond. I can, I will and I must succeed!

Friday, November 28, 2008

A letter for Bubba

Friday, November 28, 2008

A letter for Bubba

Current mood: sad

Category: Life

Dear Troy-

I have been writing this to you in my head for the past few weeks. That must be why you keep popping into my dreams. The dreams are always the same. So many people milling around and I somehow get you alone for one last chance to talk you out of it. One last moment to do what I can to change things and stop you. It never works and I wake up everyday feeling like I have failed you. One of my friends asked me if there is anything that could have changed things and I think we all know its a moot point. So many questions people ask me about you are pointless. "Why" is still the big one....people have this out of control need to have "x" as the reason and be able to put it all in a little cubbyhole so it makes sense and the world can be right again. I am getting tired of fighting the battle of trying to explain that the reason they are looking for is for them and doesn't matter one little bit to you or the people who love you. None of us will ever know what was going on in your head or heart and in the end- it does not matter at all.

I have been trying to focus on the good memories, really been making an effort but the holidays are looming like the biggest, darkest of clouds coming over the horizon and there is no escape. I will not be going home and while that does ease some tension and won't stress me financially it does mean that I will be here alone dealing with my own pain. I have tried to hard to be strong for the family and I don't think I have done enough- I know I haven't. I can use the excuse of distance but that doesn't matter. And certainly if someone doesn't want to be helped they won't be. I just wanted to badly to be the one who eased the pain of others and in many ways I think this past year has really put the spotlight on some fatal flaws and rifts in the family. I want to fix them all, I really do but at what expense? I want to talk about and really mend some of the issues that go back for years but if the other party doesn't want to look into that mirror and face that their actions hurt many people, what can you do? It's the nature of loving someone that they can hurt you the deepest and I am on my knees trying to fix or mend or at least be honest for the first time about the hurting but I am the bad guy then. Your way of dealing was just to unplug and "don't play". Somedays I think that is a great idea but then, that didn't work out so well for you did it?

I feel so lost most of the time. I wish I could call you at least once a day and tell you how wrong you were and explain what a hole you have left in everyone's life. How did you ever think that leaving us would help? It's been almost a year and I think everyone is still stuck. Everyone is hurting and at this point, I don't know what its going to take to get back on track. You can't really say get over it can you? I don't know how to get over losing you and I don't ever want to. I still don't know that I feel you with me but I have been assured many times that you are. I hope so, its a nice feeling thinking that I do have someone out there on my side, rooting for me and proud of me. I swear I am trying Troy and if you know what else I can be doing please find a way to let me know. You are missing so much and it hurts everytime something happens that I know would make you laugh or make you proud.

I don't know how to get through the next couple of weeks and I would rather abolish the holidays and never even aknowledge them ever again but I don't think the world will cooperate with me on that. So much is still broken and I can't fix it and that makes me crazy. It is so frustrating.

All I can say is I love you, I love you, I love you a million times and hope it reaches you and some of that peace that I hope you have found finds it's way into the hearts of everyone who loves you. That would be my holiday wish for everyone. Just one moment of perfect peace.
I love you and will hold you in my heart forever- you are my big brother and I hope you are there, protecting me and my heart and all the family the best way you can.

Your sis,


And because it means so much to me (and I hope you like it too)

From The Little Prince:"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Let them run free

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Let them run free

Current mood: exhausted

Category: Life

So it's finally happened....I knew it was a risk when I started this blog that at some point someone might get upset with what I write and now it has come to pass. This is sacred space to me where I can come and pour out the toxic thoughts that have literally posioned and killed people I love. This is where I can -in a safe place- give voice to those dark thoughts and release them so I can move on and maybe get some support along the way. What you read here tends to be my extremes, that is what drives me to write and to detox so yeah, if all you knew of me was this blog you might worry about my mental health and attitude and...whatever else. The truth is that 80% of the time I am fine but its that 20% that talks here. I guess that is where I give you guys some credit to realize this and know that there is plenty of OK stuff, there is some good stuff and yeah...there is plenty of bad.

Again, I appreciate the support and concern but please know that I am, will and do ask for help when I need it and if I post something here it may be a reaction to a specific event and part of me processing it and getting over it -is to post. It may not be how I feel an hour, day or week later but it was my honest emotion and reaction at the time. This is my inner chatter and where my dark thoughts (and some fun silly ones too) can run free. I am sharing it with you hopefully not to be judged by it but to give you some insight into my journey and what I struggle with on a daily basis. I own and take responsibility for everything I write here. I have chosen to do it to be 100% transparent about everything I am going through but if you have questions or concerns it is up to you to ask me about it directly. God knows I am not shy!!

So now because of all this drama my head hurts and I just want to crawl into bed. No need to send medics, just try to understand me.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It’s like they know

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It’s like they know

Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It’s like they know Current mood: disappointed Category: Life

My Horoscope for today (Cancer)

You have probably grown tired of being a caretaker to your boss, your peers, your friends and even your family. Don't waste energy being hard on yourself, for too much self-criticism can lead to despair without a healthy perspective. But it's a tricky balance, for obsessive-compulsive behavior could transform a whimsical thought into a manifesto. If at all possible, steal away for some well-deserved rest and relaxation.

This, in a nut shell, sums up my week so far.....why do I have to be the one to chase everyone down to get them to take advantage of great opportunities that I created for them? I want to help and I want to help great things happen for the people I love but when I don't even get the respect of a phone call (hell, even a text) then why should I even bother? If I am worthy of such little consideration and repsect then I frickin give up. Communication....closeness.....respect. I don't feel it. So screw em.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Yes we can

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Yes we can

Current mood: contemplative

Category: Life

Wow- it would be nearly impossible for anyone to put into words the emotions of a night like tonight. I don't care who you voted for or who you are, there is no denying that something in the world shifted today. Back in the day I was a psych/soc major which bascially means the people fascinate the shit outta me and watching cultural events like this are mind boggling. This is another "do you remember where you were when...." moment and we should all be grateful for the chance to have experienced a living slice of history unroll before us.

Tonight, for me anyways, it was hard to not think of 9/11 and how time just utterly stopped and the whole world just froze. It might seem wrong to compare such a happy event as tonight's election to that horrible day but it was perhaps the first time in my life a few things became clear. It was the first time I felt a real bond to my country, it was the first time I felt connected to every other American in the world and most importantly it was the first time I began to think about and know I had a duty to sacrifice for my country and my way of life.

Obama touched on those tonight so in a really beautiful way it brought back the best of that horrible moment in out history for me because it was mostly certainly one of the building blocks that will make up the tale of our generation. I had never before thought about the freedom I enjoy and how I was able to live the life I had ,just as I am sure kids of today don't give it a thought, but these freedoms were fought and paid for by the blood of people who died for this country. When the towers fell that was the first time I knew that my generation had to pay a price for freedom as well- that it wasn't just about stories from a history book. Everyone has to sacrifice and serve to earn the right to enjoy the things we take most for granted. As bad as the economic situation is (and its gonna get worse before it gets better) going through this time -and more importantly fighting our way out of it -and being better off for having fought and won the battle- is our price to pay. We have to bleed for our rights and freedoms the same as anyone who gets shipped off to Iraq.

Tonight we all felt a cool breeze blow by and it holds the promise of something new, something better, something we all hope we can accomplish but are to scared to reach out for... but it's there. We can grab it. We can CREATE something new because we wear the ruby slippers and we can do anything. Tonight we know that we aren't alone, we are all united and we do have to give back, and serve, and sacrifice. It is worth it. There is a price to pay but there are riches beyond our dreams to behold. It can happen and if we all do what we can(and there is no choice, it is our price to pay) we can create a new and better world so the next generation can have bigger dreams and create their own new world.

I challenge everyone to really reflect on what you can do beyond tonight to make a lasting change. Recycle, give to Goodwill, start a food drive for your local foodbanks, adopt a pet, mentor a child....whatever you have it in you to do. It's not -if- you can. It's your duty to do it. If it hurts (time, etc) well, others found time to make sacrifices you were able to benefit from right? Look deep into the mirror then make a list of all the things you -will- do and start doing them. Not just for today but make them a part of your life and start living a life of serving others. The more people we lift up the more people will be there to lift us when we stumble, as we all do from time to time. We could all do worse than to teach each other and take others examples to do more for others. What would the world look like if we all lead a more self-less life?

In the words of our new President....yes we can.

Sen. Barack Obama's Acceptance Speech

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled ¿ Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he's fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation's next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics ¿ you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to ¿ it belongs to you.
I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington ¿ it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.
It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth.

This is your victory.

I know you didn't do this just to win an election and I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime ¿ two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America ¿ I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you ¿ we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years ¿ block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek ¿ it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.
So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers ¿ in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.
Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House ¿ a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, "We are not enemies, but friends¿though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection." And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn ¿ I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world ¿ our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down ¿ we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security ¿ we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright ¿ tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America ¿ that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.
This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing ¿ Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons ¿ because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America ¿ the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.
When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves ¿ if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time ¿ to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth ¿ that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Ungrateful Bitch

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Ungrateful Bitch

Current mood: frustrated

Category: Life

Hi, my name is Tracey and I am an ungrateful bitch. It's true...I have been getting so much support and encouragement and love coming my way and I don't really accept it. I try. I really do. I try to be grateful and smile and just say thank you. That's what I should do and frankly, I think that's all any of you guys want in return. But I have this need to be as real as I can and I (sometimes wrongly) assume that when people make a comment or ask a question they want a real answer. Most of the time they don't though and when I try to explain or address their comments with more than a "thanks so much" or "great!" I get a reaction that makes me feel like I am a total ungrateful bitch.

Sorry...dunno what I can do about that.

The truth is that this isn't as easy as it looks. I don't think I have made it look particuarly easy but I guess to some people (the casual observer) this has been a succinct and smooth process. This has been, without a single doubt, the hardest year of my life if every way. I wouldn't wish this year on my worst enemy and it's not over fact, I fully expect it to carry over into next year. I keep telling people about my different "situations" and they seem to want an end date. When it will be "over". God, if you find out will you tell me? I'd LOVE to know. I have no clue, no one does and that makes this all so much more frustrating.

Let me break it down...

My legs (someone asked for an update). There is no change. I still wrap them up in the 5 layers of bandages every night. I try to have them wrapped by 8pm so I can get a full 8 hours of compression before I get up and peel them off when I get up everyday at 6am. I still wear the compression stockings everyday. First I slip on the little wax paper shoe (its called a "donning aid", cute sounding eh?) then I put on my bright orange (yes Wendy I think of you know when I put them on knowing its your favorite color) rubber gloves then once in place I use body adhesive to keep them from rolling down. When I get home from work I use my compression pump for 30-60mins (although my therapist did say I could skip a day now and then, that it shouldn't run my life- yeah, right). And that is my routine...everyday. Oh, sorry, on Saturdays I get a little break when I wash both the banadage and stockings. Whee! When people ask when I "get to stop wearing that thing"...I don't have an answer. This is chronic, that means it won't go away. It is possible that as my weight loss continues that will take some pressure off and I might get to a point where I don't need to use the bandages at night but at this point...I have no clue. It just is what is and and it will last until "..."

The weight loss...yeah, it is going well. Progress is being made. I am now down 130 pounds. That is good. If someone I didn't know (or someone I did) told me they lost that much I would be impressed and congratulate them. I try so hard to do just that but the truth for me is- I still have a long ways to go. And I have to say it's getting to the point where it's almost embarrasing to tell people the number because as that number gets bigger and I clearly still have more to go it just makes it more and more evident how much I have to lose and how obese I let myself get. I don't know how many people are doing the math at home but I have at least another 100 lbs to go. Yeah...I am getting there but I am literally just so in the middle of it that its hard to take those moments to accept the comments without a frown cross my face, cuz if I think of where I am it also reminds me of how far I have to go. And it's also that self aware thing I talked about before. I can be happy and celebrate buying a smaller size clothes but that just makes me hyper aware of my body and the saggy bits and wrinkly bits and I don't even know what I will look like when I do lose the weight (reality is that I will have a ton of loose skin that I will have to have surgery to remove to look "normal"). I have been burning the ship and getting rid of clothes as soon as they get too big (as much as I can) but then I have to face what sizes I was and there is still some deep shame in that. Something I never really admitted to by the way, the shame I have felt everyday for being a fat girl. That is so slow to fade. And when will I hit my goal? My plan is June but who knows. And even when I hit my goal weight will I feel "done" until I get tightened up (and I am here to say I do NOT have 30k to pay for plastic surgery). And even then will I feel like I have "arrived" until I maintain my new body for a couple of years. Most people who lose a ton of weight do gain it back. I for DAMN sure do NOT plan on being on of those people but I do think about it. So when will this be done...? "..." is the only answer I have.
Grief....I'll never get over losing my brother. Just last weekend I had a moment where I was like"wow, it doesn't hurt so much" and felt like maybe I had turned some kind of corner in the grieving process then it hit me like a brick wall the next day and I spent the day sobbing, everytime I turned around another memory broke me down and I know it will be that way forever. And my family...we are all broken and I am doing everything I can to help and support them all but I am not there and for the first time since I left Iowa I feel guilty about that choice and even more that given the chance I would not move back there anyways. That makes me an ungrateful bitch.

And I know some of you will want to tell me I am wrong and say nice things and while I thank you upfront for saying and thinking that I won't believe you because I am still just so in the mix of all that is going on. I am not capable of letting it in even though I need it around me so so much.

I wish it was over and I was happy and perfect and healed and whole and could then use my evil powers for good but that's not gonna happen, at least not until ...

Looking in all the wrong places

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Looking in all the wrong places

Current mood: thoughtful

Category: Life

Why do we always look for things in the wrong places first? Car keys, the remote, your sanity....and love. Why are we driven to find things or "stuff" or people to make us feel something? Our minds are amazingly rich and colorful and powerful and we have access to them all the time, yet when we want or need something we look everywhere, everywhere, but inside first.

I mention this because I have heard, seen or experienced this firsthand so many times this past few weeks. So many of us are emotional vampires. We have something missing inside us so we will find some other thing that we think will fill that void and suck the marrow out of it and hope it fills up all the empty places inside. The bitch of it is that is never does, at least for long, and that thing we leeched onto usually has some kind of godawful side effect that will come back and bite us sooner than later. The hangover, the caffenine crash, the bitter ache of a broken heart....and since no one wants to feel any of that we get right back into vampire mode and go hunting for "that thing" again.

This is the truth- we are never gonna find "that thing" from any place other than inside our own hearts and mind. That is (as I am found of saying) a "what is". It's a solid gold fact and no one, logically, can argue that point. That being said...I think this is THE most difficult thing in life to a) just learn and accept to be true and b) to ever achieve. I'd be a total hypocrit if I even pretended to tell you that even though I know happiness lies within me (I -am- wearing the ruby slippers and can go home whenever I want) I look everyday for something to come along and do it for me. If a boy loved me I would be happy. If I was a size 6 I would be happy. If my mother loved me like that way I need to her to love me I would be happy. If I had more money I would be happy.

Would I? Would I really? Or would I just find another empty place inside and start looking on the outside some more for a whole new "that thing" to fill up those new empty spots...
I don't know how we can release ourselves from the torture of that pursuit but if we could at least let it soak in- for just a second- that if we can get quiet enough... and listen to what our hearts are whispering...maybe, just maybe we can get to our "happy place". And once we know the way, maybe we can get there more and more often until we stay...happy in our own house inside our hearts.

You have meant so much to me

Saturday, November 01, 2008

You have meant so much to me

Current mood: calm

Category: Life

You have been the one I could count on for so long now I don't even know how to begin to say goodbye to you. I don't remember exactly when you came into my life I just know you have been there for me for as long as I can remember. You've been there for the good times but you were there for the everyday stuff too and you always did your best to make me look and feel as good as I possibly could. Others came before you and we both know that there will be others after you but I will always look back and remember you as the one who stood out. You never let me down. I know it's time to part ways and as I write this you are already gone but I could not say goodbye without honoring your place in my life and celebrating what you did for me. So many people knew you and saw you out with me but I am sure none of them knew or understood what a rocky journey we had together and how you were always there to quietly do your part to help me hold it together. I am happy to move on but this is a milestone I knew I had to mark and as I let you go once and for all please know I appreciate how long you were able to last when so many gave up and gave out on me. I can't bear to see you in the hands of another so I am sending you to a place where you can rest and become one with the earth. We both know its time and so, with that, I let go of you Black Pants (you get caps cuz while there are others you are THE pair that I always turned to). Thank you and goodbye....