Friday, October 30, 2009

Prince Charming

So love doesn't conquer all.

No this isn't going to be some sad posting about something wrong with Chris and I. Thank god I have a solid and wonderful man in my life who loves me. It still sounds so amazing to me to hear him murmur in my ears as he is nibbling on my neck how much he loves me. I am doing my best to accept his love and know how worthy I am, but between you and me I just don't know what he is seeing when he looks at me. I know it must be good cuz he gets this soft schmoopy look on his face and his eyes twinkle when he looks at me but when I try it- there is nothing that makes my eyes twinkle when I look in the mirror,trust me.

Which brings me to my point. While I thank all that is good in the world everyday for Chris's love it is not and hasn't been a magic wand that makes everything better. I guess this is important for me to say because it's kinda like all those weight loss secrets that they keep from you (like counting calories and exercise is how you lose weight.....seriously, they should TELL people this stuff). When you spend your whole life without that great love you start projecting all your hopes and dreams and fantasies into it.

The Prince Charming fantasy....that HE will come on his white horse and sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after.


That isn't exactly how it goes as it turns out...
Don't get me wrong. Chris is totally my prince and my soul mate and THE ONE. I have no doubts about that. None. And I do believe he is my happily ever after but what I have come to realize is that might take a combined effort. Prince Charming needs rescued as much as I do. We all do....(that comment isn't specific to Chris or any other "Prince" out there).

I guess I have spent so many years with my nose pressed to the window of this fantasy world where inside everyone was swirling around in the blissful dance at the ball. All dressed up and happy and safe in the bubble of their love. I think anyone who hasn't (yet) found that great love should kinda start prepping for the fact that no one can save them. Scratch that.....only THEY can save them.

The truth is I am still every bit the hot mess I was over 5 months ago- BC (before Chris). I still have weight issues ,which now that I am in the land of "normal" food I am struggling to find that balance for myself. And I am struggling. It is a slippery slope to work without a net. It's tough to find that fine line and when can I have the treat and when do I cut calories.

And a very unexpected side effect is I am trying to stick to a budget and what is economical is rarely what is healthy. Kinda sucks.

Oh yeah, and once I got out of the working out everyday no expectations train. Well....that isn't going well. I am lucky to force myself to workout 3times a week.

But its for me to figure that out. Chris loves me and will love me no matter what. Getting on the tread mill has nothing to do with him. Nor does my food choices (except when he cooks- damn him for being such a great cook!!) The choices I make and the reasons I make them are still mine. Yes I have love and am secure in that, but I still have the fear and panic in me that throws me off my path.

In fact now that I do have one huge corner of my life secure it is my fears who are trying like hell to take over the party. It is my demons, my bad BS (belief system) that feels threatened. This is the time in my life where they help me in my penchant for self sabotage.

I am doing what I can to get ahead of that and be super aware but sometimes I fail and fail huge. The good news and the lesson I have learned is that everyday is a chance to make a new choice. Can't do anything about the bad choices I have already made expect try to learn why and where they came from and do what I can to learn and make a different choice next time.

I still feel like something is missing. I used to attribute it to loneliness and "if only I had someone in my life who really loved me" that would go away and I would be whole. Well, I couldn't be more in love and I have a boy who can and will drop everything to tell me how much I am loved as often as I need to hear it. But that hasn't filled the hole....only I can do that. Only my love for MYSELF can do that.

So for anyone who does have their nose still pressed to the glass and wonders what it is like at the ball I am here to tell you that of course it is wonderful and fun. Of course it is.
You knew that already....but unless you can dance with yourself and be happy no Prince will ever be able to truly be able to make all your dreams come your own Prince Charming.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm just a Bill....

I believe the request went something like this..."post something, ANYTHING. Post, damn you post!!"

Who am I to deny a request like that so here I am posting away.Ok what I am really doing is totally avoiding the stack of bills I can't quite cover and ergo delaying the whole "which bill is can I play the check game with this week." The good news is I get paid weekly and bill pay has that handy feature which lets me know when the e-check will clear my account. Except when it doesn't and then throws my whole account off and I get dinged for $70 in overdraft fees that if I could afford those I wouldn't have had to play the check game in the first place. Grrrrr.

I truly hate doing this and while I love my job and am grateful to have it, it just barely covers my bills with little wiggle room. I am a girl who likes to wiggle so this is a problem. Not to mention I am a girl who has a very shiny future to plan and pay for so I need some more cash-ola coming my way. I'd love to say I could just cut my bills but the past year(s) have seen me cut to the bone. I am actually kinda over this whole owning a condo in the city scene but as now is not the time to sell and I do still need a place to live this is a problem. And until a certain row of dominoes which we shall call "my future plans" topples over is just the right direction.....well here we are.

It's not awful and for the most part I am getting by but I just hate that strapped feeling. Just 3-4 years ago I had so much free cash to do with what I wanted. Not that I blew thousands on crap, hundreds maybe but I have never lived an extravagent lifestyle so cutting out the extra's just doesn't leave much.

I know I am not alone here but when it's your pile of bills and your life it's hard to keep the big pic in mind.

I know enough bitching. Again, I am grateful for all that I have but like a true american I'd like just a wee bit more and if I didn't have to do or change a thing to get it that would be great....thanks!

Friday, October 23, 2009


Oh my little blog, how I have neglected you. It's not on purpose I assure you. I have had things pop into my head to post but nothing so compelling as to drag me over to the computer to sit my arse down and start to post. Even now there is no pressing message I wish to release to the world just free forming it.

I did want to send some love to my hometown crew. We lost a classmate and it has been a very sad week. I don't know that it has been discussed much but it feels to me like a new phase where we are just going to start losing more and more people "our age" and I can feel my own mortality knocking knock knocking on my door. For me of course it brings up thoughts of my brother and my family. That's the thing about death I learned during my time as a crisis counselor in college. The death of someone you know is never just about their passing, it also stirs the pot of every other loss you have ever experienced and you deal with those losses all over again as well.

So much love to my Boonies and especially to Jane and the kids in FL and rest well Blake.

And life keeps rocking even when bad stuff happens.

Life has slowed down to a much appreciated crawl for me in many respects. I really like my job, like my coworkers and am mostly making enough to cover my bills. There is still drama in my life but for the most part its not mine it is my families so I am doing my best to support from afar and I am looking about planning a spring trip to come home and hopefully bring my boy for the grand introductions to my Iowa life. Lord help him....

The holidays are looming and I am very much looking forward to spending them with my boy and his mother....aka my new family. :) I have no idea what to get my boy for Christmas and the Holidays are a big deal to him so no pressure! He has this unsaid rule that you shouldn't have to ask what a person wants if you really know them so I am going to have to start taking some copious notes!! Not to mention what to get his mom.....

As for Chris and I things are wonderful. We are now at the 5 month mark which doesn't sound nearly as impressive as almost 6 months....that almost sounds like a really real relationship. I have to admit I still can't believe what a wonderful guy like him is doing with me. He really does make me so happy and I just can't believe he loves me. And naturally I am head over heels for him in a big big way. It is so amazing to think and plan for our future....getting engaged, getting married, our first house, starting a family. Things I had stopped thinking were part of my plans or in my future but now....seem to be the path that I was on all along.

So kids, that is my world in a have YOU been? :)

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Just when you think its safe to get back it the water- KABAM! Something comes at you from left field. I have been keeping a low profile lately to do some internal inventory but mostly because I have been focused on some issues/problem that are affecting the people I love most in this world. As I have said before many times their issues are not mine to talk about or share here. I would never do that to them but if you know my family just please do reach out and send them some love and support. We could all use some...

How this has affected me is...complicated. I wish I could say I was being the rock they could cling to or the soft place where they can land but I'm not. I can't help feel like I have failed them all in a big way. Chris and I have talked about it and because he is here with me and as much as he loves my family (as much as you can without meeting them) because he loves me he is most concerned about how I deal with their issues. How do I deal with it? Not well. I tend to take responsibility for not being there and not being able to fix them. Yes, I know I don't have that power and its not my job to fix them. I know that but it's still what I want with all my heart and soul to do. And I feel so guilty for not being there. I want to be able to drive over and sit down and hug and cry with them. I want to be able to yell and scream and kick their ass when they need it. But all I can do is call or text or scour facebook for little hints of how they are doing. It's so frustrating and it makes me heartsick.

It doesn't matter the specifics of what's going on. The details are just incidental to the bigger issues which is.....we are all scarred. (btw- even notice how close the words scarred and scared are? I don't think that is an accident)

I won't blame my brother's death for all of it because my gene pool is just predisposed to depression and all its fun little sick kicks already. That fact just turns up the volume on everything else. But it is certainly the tsunami that my family is still rebuilding will be 2 years on December 31st and it might as well have been yesterday some days. The hole and the void of losing Troy plus the loss of my grandmother thjis year. who I have come to see was and is the soul of our family, has thrown us all into a tailspin so devastating that we are all still spinning. I know any illusion that I have come to some kind of peace about it has been just that- an illusion. And the worst part is I have let it spill into other areas of my life.

I have let the fact that all this family drama has flared up as an excuse to not stay focused on my health and as a result I have not worked out consistently since the beginning of July. I have let go of personal relationships and when I am not with Chris I am content to sit in my condo alone and just hide. I thought I was taking a breather and letting myself catch up with where I am at emotionally but the truth is I am hiding. I am also getting into some pretty bad self sabotaging habits like getting "treats" for myself. I keep telling myself a cookie here are there won't hurt and yet all of the sudden it has become a rare day where I don't find myself "treating" then justifying the reasons. Then I tell myself its ok to have the cookie or latte if I work out when I get home but by that time I do I am so overwhelmed by the day I just collapse and hide.

And worst of all I have let this fear affect my relationship with Chris. Last week was a very sad week and we were both very hurt because I was totally blind to something that he needed from me but in my own bubble I couldn't see or understand. He is so protective and understanding it took a major blow up to make me understand. I hate being wrong and I was, very wrong and it killed me to be the cause of pain to the man I love with all my heart. I never want that to happen again. (Again, I am so sorry baby)

My scars are deep and they are everywhere I look. My whole body right now is a reminder of a life of pain and loneliness. Every inch of sagging and droopy skin reminds me of how long I have spent hating myself and getting in my own way and every time I go for that "treat" I am telling myself "you aren't worth it" and that is not what I want. Every glance in the mirror shows me sad and empty eyes full of pain.

I have said so many times here life is about choices and my bad bad BS (belief system) has been in control. I see that I have real potential to be happy and successful and so my BS is waging a war to sabotage me and I have been doing a darn good job of letting it.

The scars go deeper than that though. The physical scars are easy to deal with, someday I will get the surgery I need to tighten things up and lift them where they should be but the ones on my heart... those are tougher to heal. I may never get to a place where I am not afraid. I just feel like I have lost so much I am terrified every day that I will gain all the weight back, that I will lose Chris, that I will lose another family member, that I will never get out of my own way once and for all. It goes on and on and its such a struggle. It's exhausting....

All I can do it just work on it and keep improving. Chris and I went to the zoo yesterday and did a ton of walking, granted it was after a breakfast of stuffed french toast and a cinnamon roll but we walked well over 10 miles. Then today I went back to the park and walked 7.5 miles . It's not losing 30 pounds but its something and rebuilding and getting back on track has to start somewhere and maybe the scars will never heal but that doesn't mean I have the right to stop trying....