So love doesn't conquer all.
No this isn't going to be some sad posting about something wrong with Chris and I. Thank god I have a solid and wonderful man in my life who loves me. It still sounds so amazing to me to hear him murmur in my ears as he is nibbling on my neck how much he loves me. I am doing my best to accept his love and know how worthy I am, but between you and me I just don't know what he is seeing when he looks at me. I know it must be good cuz he gets this soft schmoopy look on his face and his eyes twinkle when he looks at me but when I try it- there is nothing that makes my eyes twinkle when I look in the mirror,trust me.
Which brings me to my point. While I thank all that is good in the world everyday for Chris's love it is not and hasn't been a magic wand that makes everything better. I guess this is important for me to say because it's kinda like all those weight loss secrets that they keep from you (like counting calories and exercise is how you lose weight.....seriously, they should TELL people this stuff). When you spend your whole life without that great love you start projecting all your hopes and dreams and fantasies into it.
The Prince Charming fantasy....that HE will come on his white horse and sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after.
That isn't exactly how it goes as it turns out...
Don't get me wrong. Chris is totally my prince and my soul mate and THE ONE. I have no doubts about that. None. And I do believe he is my happily ever after but what I have come to realize is that might take a combined effort. Prince Charming needs rescued as much as I do. We all do....(that comment isn't specific to Chris or any other "Prince" out there).
I guess I have spent so many years with my nose pressed to the window of this fantasy world where inside everyone was swirling around in the blissful dance at the ball. All dressed up and happy and safe in the bubble of their love. I think anyone who hasn't (yet) found that great love should kinda start prepping for the fact that no one can save them. Scratch that.....only THEY can save them.
The truth is I am still every bit the hot mess I was over 5 months ago- BC (before Chris). I still have weight issues ,which now that I am in the land of "normal" food I am struggling to find that balance for myself. And I am struggling. It is a slippery slope to work without a net. It's tough to find that fine line and when can I have the treat and when do I cut calories.
And a very unexpected side effect is I am trying to stick to a budget and what is economical is rarely what is healthy. Kinda sucks.
Oh yeah, and once I got out of the working out everyday no expectations train. Well....that isn't going well. I am lucky to force myself to workout 3times a week.
But its for me to figure that out. Chris loves me and will love me no matter what. Getting on the tread mill has nothing to do with him. Nor does my food choices (except when he cooks- damn him for being such a great cook!!) The choices I make and the reasons I make them are still mine. Yes I have love and am secure in that, but I still have the fear and panic in me that throws me off my path.
In fact now that I do have one huge corner of my life secure it is my fears who are trying like hell to take over the party. It is my demons, my bad BS (belief system) that feels threatened. This is the time in my life where they help me in my penchant for self sabotage.
I am doing what I can to get ahead of that and be super aware but sometimes I fail and fail huge. The good news and the lesson I have learned is that everyday is a chance to make a new choice. Can't do anything about the bad choices I have already made expect try to learn why and where they came from and do what I can to learn and make a different choice next time.
I still feel like something is missing. I used to attribute it to loneliness and "if only I had someone in my life who really loved me" that would go away and I would be whole. Well, I couldn't be more in love and I have a boy who can and will drop everything to tell me how much I am loved as often as I need to hear it. But that hasn't filled the hole....only I can do that. Only my love for MYSELF can do that.
So for anyone who does have their nose still pressed to the glass and wonders what it is like at the ball I am here to tell you that of course it is wonderful and fun. Of course it is.
You knew that already....but unless you can dance with yourself and be happy no Prince will ever be able to truly be able to make all your dreams come true.....be your own Prince Charming.