Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Not my Strong Suit

Ok I am going a little stir crazy- the good news is I have been (sorta kinda) promoted at my job from a contractor to full time. Yay (applause, applause)!! The bad news is that means all my authorizations to actually do my job needed to be redone and now I am going on day 8 of having no access to any systems.

:::deep sigh:::

Today my biggest accomplishment was to hit 80 followers on Twitter and to hit up Tyra Banks for some free swag (she offered).


In other news and blogging related news at that- I am on the verge of having my first guest blog posted and published. I think it will be posted Feb 4th but I will double check that. It is for Rapport Leadership International which as you faithful readers will know is the leadership training I went to that my former company sent me to. I am VERY excited and as a follow up to my blog I will be featured on one of their weekly Achiever's calls. Pretty cool stuff.

I also threw my hat in the ring for another guest spot (thanks Fran) and that will be announced in a few weeks. That is a little less likely to happen but you never know.

Sooooo dear readers, I will ask you to keep your eyes peeled and if you see any blogs out there (or other outlets) that might be interested in my story I'd love to know about it. Our collective eyes are better than just mine.

So what else is news? Not much really.....things are calm in job land for me. A first in a long long time and I am happy about that. Really the rest of my world and attention is being focused on my boy.

We just hit our 8 monthaversary and have so many plans for the next 8....we just need some good stuff for him to start happening. There is a series of dominoes that will topple once he gets secure but waiting and watching this first one wobble but not sink is KILLING ME. The words faith and patience have been thrown around so much I have bruises from getting hit in the head with them so many times.

Neither is my strong suit and yet there is nothing I can do here but wait.....bleech.

So that I guess is the theme of the month- patience. Letting things happen and unfold without me doing a damn thing. Grrrrrrr, how I hate that.

Until then....I am going shopping to see what else (other suit) might fit me better ;)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Un-Met Needs

So let me start by saying what a horrible girlfriend I am. Lord knows I never got the practice I should have got when I should have been getting it so poor Chris is stuck with what he has- a hot mess of a girlfriend (some of the time).

The short version of the story is that it is Chris's turn to have all kinds of crazy life stuff happening and while I should be stepping up and being strong for him instead I chose to fall apart and make life worse. In my (weak) defense it is something that has been slowly building up over time- not just one random occurrence that caused me to fall apart. But...fall apart I did and I shouldn't have. It was wrong and unfair and as much as I couldn't help it I am very very sorry that is happened the way that it did.

Now lucky for me I have a boy who can not only deal with and accept my craziness but he even leaps tall building in a single bound to make sure I have what I need from him- even when he doesn't have enough of him to go around. ***I will study this trick and do my best to perfect it. If I could bottle it I could solve the world's problems!

We had a long talk yesterday and with all the worlds events: Haiti, vets coming home and not finding jobs, the economy. It is easy to see that we have it pretty good. We can (mostly) pay our bills (kinda close-ish) on time and we both have jobs (hopefully he will soon have a better one) and we have each other. And I agree and I am utterly, totally and eternally grateful for all of that.....and yet, why was I so frustrated? Why so needy?

Maslow has a lovely chart of needs and how if one isn't met you can't move on to the rest and he said stuff a long time ago that people still listen to so he must be right. My question to myself is.....is it ok to want more when other people have so much less? And I think the answer is- yes.

I don't think I will ever be totally satisfied with life (sorry baby- consider this your warning) because I see more and I want more- all the time. Not just for me- although the lesson I learned very well over the last few years is to make sure your own safety is secure before you try to save anyone else. But yeah, I do want to help other people and the stronger I am (we are) the better I will be able to do that. I am driven by the "....but why??!!" question.

Yeah, sometimes (more than I would like) it comes from a whiny and selfish place but sometimes it is what helps me power through some pretty tough obstacles. The why question is a good one cuz every once in a while there is no answer (objection) and the green light is given and the whole world opens a brand new door that was sealed shut before.

And your needs are -your needs- and sometimes other things are more pressing and important but it doesn't make your needs any less important. They are and if they truly are real needs they absolutely need met for you to function. The un-met need is like pulling the batteries out of the energizer bunny. It just can't function.

I will in no way compare the need I was feeling to not having food or shelter or water but it was important to me and I am so lucky and yes- so very grateful to my love for meeting my needs.

Monday, January 11, 2010


Found some good tips I thought I would share real quick.... 5 Weight Loss Tips.

They are all pretty good- especially the one about drinking water. The more water I drink the better I feel.

Do you have any tips/recommends? What's working for you??

Friday, January 8, 2010

Say Ahhhhhhhhhh

So killing some time before I head off to the doctor. Yes its the girly doctor visit- the one all us chicks look forward too so so much. But like so much in life its one of those things that have to be done.

I had a mammogram done a year ago as a baseline before I hit 40 which I am very glad I did now that insurance may not cover it. I have many friends who have lost someone to breast cancer and I want to keep my ta-ta's healthy. They aren't much but they are mine! (Unlike the other 95% of my family I was not gifted in the breastular region- double D's as far as the eye can see but no where near me).

So this is also part of the re-newed health plan and making sure I am not dropping the ball on anything that is within my control. I went to the dentist for a (late) cleaning and I guess half my teeth are on the verge of developing cavities which really pissed me off because for the most part I gave up soda which I thought was the big culprit. Alas, my choppers still aren't great so I have (for the first time ever) been diligent about flossing every night and I have used a mouthwash rinse- recommended by my dentist in some shady under the table deal with the mouthwash people I am sure.

Next on the list is to get my blood check for my thyroid issue and see how that is- and also get my cholesterol checked. That was pretty good last year so we will see what a few months being "off the wagon" did to me.

I also have to get new lymphodema gear. The compression stockings I have to wear are shot. They aren't so much compression stockings anymore as just knee socks. And my bandages are all stretched out and losing their squeeze-y ness. That is one issue I do NOT want to come back. That was probably the hardest part of getting my health rolling in the right direction was getting that under control. I still can't believe I waited so long to get it treated. By the time I did my entire leg was basically one open, oozing sore.I am tempted to get the pictures from the doctor but I don't know if I could stand to look at them- it was that gross.

I also need to get my ass back to yoga class. I have been low on funds so I haven't been able to get a new package but I need it so much. Life just gets a bit easier when you take that time to treat yourself and do the stretches and meditate- even if your meditation is just sitting quietly. It all helps.

So yeah, operation "get mind, body, spirit in check" is well underway. What are YOU doing to get healthy?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

For my love

So I asked what your fave Tracey moment was and Chris answered (in the comments section- woot!) the Trapper Keeper one....I must admit that I didn't recall what that meant either so I went back and re-read it and then kept reading. It is so nice to have that reminder of how it felt when we first met. Recalling those butterflies (which I still get) and that woozy feeling he gave me (and still does).

I have not written as much about him probably because he is becoming a fixture, something that is always there and I fear that is just a hop away from taking him for granted which I vow to never do. I think I tell him enough but reading those entries reminded me how nice it is to go back and recall exactly when and how strongly I felt so let me say it again for him and for me to remember later (and the rest of you can read along).

I love you so much. You are the love of my life and my soul mate and all those other schmoopy things that we say (but not enough). Life has reared its (sometimes) ugly head and thrown us some challenges and distractions but that can't be an excuse to not honor each other and celebrate US everyday. I am so grateful to you for everything you bring to my life and I love you more today than I ever have. You still make me giddy and I swoon when you say sweet things to me. You bring me such peace and I can only say thank you even though no words seem strong enough to let you know how I feel.

I will always be here for you. I will be your rock when you need someone to lean on and I will listen and be your best friend- as you are mine.

You will never have to be alone again because my heart is now and will always be with you- forever.

I can't wait to spend our lives together and I am so so so glad I found you.

You are my love and I am your girl.....always.

I love you baby.

Tracey Luann xoxoxo

Looking Back Looking Ahead

Wow- so I was just looking at the number of blogs I posted last year- 121. I can't decide if that feels like a lot or not very many. And 79 from the year before. This is going into my third year of blogging? We have come a long way together haven't we my friends? I know what's happened in my life (and so do you....if you'd like to refresh your memory visit the archives and I will wait here for ya) but I wonder what has changed in your life? I have gotten a few emails here and there over my blogging life thanking me for sharing and just letting me know someone out there is listening.

When I write its "dear diary" time. I usually have a subject in mind but once I pull up a clean blog I just let my thoughts fly. What you see here is first draft stuff all the way baby. I never go back and edit and only do a quick spell check (that may explain alot right there eh?). I have said it before- this is my cheap counseling. If my blog was a place it would be a farm or a ranch (que the Iowa girl jokes) but these thoughts are like wild animals that once I let them loose they quiet down and are free to roam quietly. So this is a selfish place for me when I sit down to write but it helps to know that I am giving something too. Some of you have let me know that they have taken away some good stuff from what I have shared and for that I am so grateful. I really am. Knowing that I have caused even the smallest ripple in the universe is very satisfying and humbling all at the same time.

I'd still like to know what your favorite "Tracey moment" is (since we are all itching to use the comments section now right??). Post them below or let me know and I can do a top ten recap.

I know the one where I talk about looking in the mirror is my cousin Amy's favorite- what's yours?

So I'll bet you are all wondering how the Holidays went for me? (sigh) Mixed bag I am afraid. Holidays are always gonna be rough and anyone who has lost anyone around the Holidays can tell you its just a double whammy (thinking of you Rachel! many loving thoughts are with you). So they just aren't gonna be great. I can say there were some lovely moments and that is what I am gonna try like hell to hold on to.

There is so much going on- I know, when isn't there? It's all good stuff and is going to bring BIG GOOD change but this is that pitch black part of the tunnel- the one you get to riiiiight before you turn a corner and see a golden beacon of light (which you pray like a mo fo is NOT a train??!)

I can confirm that there is going to be great relationship based news in the near future- several steps will be taken this year however then when kinda depends on the above tunnel situation. Chris and I are going on 8 months of our relationship and we have already been through so so so much. I can say that I love him more everyday and I am so proud of the man he is. I see him as my partner, my future husband, the father of my children. He is amazing and its is mind blowing as we continue our path together we have more and more in common. We share some pretty amazing traits and have had similar things happen in our past that make for some interesting situations. Not all of them good but they all made us who we are.

I wish I could say life is perfect. That I found my Prince after my long sad battle (with my own demons) and now he is going to whisk me off and then next time you hear from me it will be on a postcard from "Happily Ever After" town. Yeah.....not so much. I wish Chris was perfect, I wish I was. I wish I hadn't gained the pounds I lost. I wish I had more money. I wish we had more time. I wish I could fix things that are well beyond my reach. But it isn't and I can't and it still can suck- a lot.

Life is just a big ball of suck sometimes. BUT.....I do have love. And I have knowledge. I know what I can do and I WILL do it.

Pity party over, time to saddle up and (save a horse) and ride (a cowboy) into the future.

Tally Ho!!

2010- A year of changes

So my lovelies....the first blog of the new year. It's going be just a quickie but with a big request. Your participation. I am not sure why I have never had a "must leave a comment" kinda audience and I want you to know I LOVE comments. I'd love to hear your thoughts/opinions/questions/suggestions. In other words, once again I am turning to my tribe for HELP.

I also have BIG MAJOR plans for this blog soonish so I am also calling on everyone who reads this to TELL A FRIEND. Please pass on the link to anyone who you think might be interested/inspired by my story. I know its an odd thing blogging. You have to be narcissistic enough to write about yourself but then you are so insecure you feel like no one actually cares. So show me you care about me and each other. Make the comments section your new home and get to know each other. I promise everyone reading this has a story that would break your heart and I want to give you a gentle place where you heart can heal and get stronger.

Ok....so that's the housekeeping business. You all with me?? Good!

Now me- like I said this is the short version so the update for today is HEALTH. Yes I am back on the bandwagon after gaining 30 lost pounds back. Somehow they found their way home. Drat it all. So I am once again counting calories and getting back to exercising. I am looking for more diverse tools for this round and I thought you might like it if I shared? Yes? No? Let me know....y'anno, in the COMMENTS section? New habits take time to build....start by leaving a comment today just to see how it feels.

Ok so the TOOLS....and please feel free to suggest some. I am sure we would all love some tips. I found this website (thx Amy) the Hungry Girl website is awesome! All kinds of good info and I can't wait to try her omelet in a mug! I have also stocked up on fitness dvd's I got the Biggest Loser's Power Yoga (level one kicked my ass and I have been doing yoga for a year!) and the Boot Camp (tonight's adventure- stay tuned for my review).

Other than that I turn to you guys to give me some tips. Help!! My goal is to get to 175 and see how that looks then hopefully take it down to 160.

So that's the news for now. Look for some FUN announcements in the near future to break up all that drama that seems to keep finding me.