Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dark Room

Scene: dark room, pitch black except for a table with a mirror on it in a circle of light.

Direction: girl walks into room, looks around suspiciously then walks over to the table and takes a seat in the chair sitting in front of it. Looks into the mirror and looks at what is her own reflection but wearing a dark suit and Sarah Palin-like glasses

Ummmm, hi?

Hello Tracey. What brings you here?

I dunno, just kinda wandered in. Who are you?

Well isn't it obvious- I am you. The wiser, more rational part of you.

Oh, rock on. Where have you been all my life?

Don't get cute with me. I don't think you are clever. I have already heard all your jokes, doesn't impress me.

Damn. That hurts. Ok- I'll bite. Why am I here?

Well, I have been looking over your progress and I can't help noticing you are a bit of track.


Would you like to tell me what's going on?

Don't you know?

Of course, I am you but I think it would helpful for you to tell me.

Well I was doing good, in a groove until July and then....


Then I took a break and decided I could let go and not be so careful and....errrrr

That hasn't worked out so well for you has it?

No, not really. I have gained about 25 pounds.


Ok 30.....bitch

Calling me names isn't really gonna help now is it?

Kinda it does...

Ok then call me every name in the book but you are still going in the wrong direction.

I know.

And I think I recall you saying you weren't going to be one of those yo-yo dieters. That you were gonna take it off and keep it off.


So? What now. You are where you are. Can't change that. So let's talk about why you can't seem to get back on track.

It's just a lack of motivation. I have the right schedule so time isn't an issue.

Ok, good. So what is stopping you?


No lie to me dumb ass, as if I wouldn't know you were lying.

Shut up, it was just an expression.

I know.

(sigh) As I was saying...honestly I am going back to my self sabatoging ways. I am feeling exactly the same way about food that I always have. That it is my treat- that I can reward myself with it and that I deserve it. Just like a junkie with a needle over my arm I tell myself I can handle it when the truth is I can't. I can't do a moderatly good diet and when I slip a bit I slide all the way down. I start off a day being "good" then I will slip a bit and then the day is a loss. And then I figure the week is a loss and why work out if I have already "been bad" and then the cycle begins.

Hmmmm, why do you think you are talking about "good" and "bad". Are those the only 2 options?

Pretty much....

Why is that? Why is it good or bad can't it just be a choice? A choice you made and a choice you make differently next time?

I guess... Am I this annoying when I talk to other people?



Ok....so let's take good and bad off the table. Lemme go all Jillian Michaels on you and ask you the simple question. Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to be happy.

Bullshit, you are in love and are happier than you have ever been but you are still overweight? Why?

Because I feel I need to punish myself...

For what?

For not being good enough.

Ahhhhh, there is that "good" word. Good enough for who?


We covered this...

Yes, honestly I am not now nor have I ever been good enough for my mother. My mother doesn't accept me for who I am and she recently announced that she doesn't want to be in the same town as me. There I said it.

Damn- you sure did. How do you feel?


Of what?

Scared she is going to see this and hate me. Scared my family will reject me. Scared I will lose them all forever and I will be alone.

That is alot of fear to carry around with you.


So now what? What are you going to do to get past this?

Well I guess this is a first step.

Yes it is....a pretty big one I'd say.

Then I guess I will wait and see what the fall out is.

Ok, and what are you going to do in the meantime.

I will take smaller steps, meaning I will go back to basics and not look at weeks or months but start building a string of small steps to start rebuilding back to where I was.

How about you not worry about where you were and just be where you are and go from there.

Ok, fair enough. Are we done?

Got somewhere else to be?

Well SYTYCD is on....

Oh for fuck sake, if your life isn't as important as a reality dance show go ahead...

Ok- thanks

(dashes out of the room)

Holiday Spirit

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I wish everyone a day of happiness with family and friends and all things warm and comforting. That's what it is all about right? Being with people you love. The people who know and love you best and that you can totally relax and be yourself with. I wish that for you and I wish I had that for me this year.

Don't get me wrong- I am very excited to be spending my first major Holiday with my new family. I have the wine and I am looking forward to spending time with Chris and getting to spend some more time getting to know his mother. Nervous? Sure but it will be great and I am excited about it.

It's just not -my- family and as great as it will be it won't be the same Holiday I grew up with and the truth is that kind of Holiday will never happen again now that we have lost my Grandma.

In my family my Grandma was truly the heart of the family. The one and only thing she ever really wanted was to have her whole family together for the Holidays. She would cook for days and days. That weird green bean casserole. The pink fluff gunk with odd bits of chewy things that no one ever quite identified. There was always the one dish that didn't exactly come together as planned.

There was always a race for the star dishes....turkey and ham. Sitting down next to the butter if you wanted a hope of ever getting your buns buttered. And the holy grail- the mashed potatoes. This was the most heavily mocked side for who had the biggest mound and yet I think it was out of jealousy for not getting there first. We would eat early- about 1pm which was great cuz it left the whole day open for eating, grazing the leftovers after dinner and then a good amount of time before the pies got broke out. Now Grandma loved her pie and we would have: pumpkin, apple, cherry, lemonade (special request for Toni and Debbie), and mincemeat. To this day I hope I never ever learn what a mince is and why we want its meat in a pie.

The best part of the day was never the food though (sorry Grandma) it was a chance to flop down in a dog pile of family and in a food coma just chat and laugh and tease with my family. Now more often than not I was the butt of this teasing but yes, I can even now look back on that with some nostalgia. What I wouldn't give to hear Troy teasing me for some random thing. What I wouldn't give to feel my Grandma patting my thigh as she told me to be a good girl (this isn't a little girl memory btw- if I saw her right this second she would say the same thing.)

Just sitting here now I can see my mother's house and smell all the Thanksgiving smells. The oven cranking meant it was the one time of the day that the house was even close to warm. Mom was famous for keeping her house and temperature "ice box". I miss it and I miss being home.

But as I said.....it's not gonna happen anymore. My mom was never a fan of being the hostess so she is happy to give up that task and the family is drifting apart. The kids are growing up and have other places to be and of course I am out of state.

Soooooo I will have an enjoy my Holiday and start some new traditions with the newest members of my family and it will be imperfectly perfect and we will start our own new traditions. And in my head I will hit the replay button and bring some of the spirit of those past days into my heart and that will be enough.

I love and miss you Troy and Grandma, you will always be here in my heart.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I know I am bad- I promised myself I would blog this weekend but I got busy with the boy and then yesterday was all about chillaxing. Sorry! Or as all the Canadians in my life would say (and suddenly there are a lot of them sore-ee!!)

I guess I have been reluctant to sit down and put pen to paper (so to speak) because there is one last big can of worms in my life to crack open and it is the only thing that is on my mind. I can't sleep because of it and I think about it pretty much every minute of everyday. It's the last wall to break down and the last hurdle to leap over but the bitch of it is that it is totally and utterly out of my control.

I really don't even know now as I write this if I dare "go public". My faithful readers (love ya) know what a delicate balance I have created here in sharing MY life but not dragging anyone else into it-or at least minimizing the collateral damage as much as possible. When I have written about people in my life it has been with their advanced permission and blessing (for the most part). If I dare to crack open this can.....it will cross that line. It is by far the most painful thing in my life and I don't know that I can move on without dealing with it and for better or worse this sacred space has been my tool for dealing with the deep dark creepy crawly scary memories and experiences that have held me back. I have become quite convinced that I have gone as far as I can in my health crusade and what is holding me back from crossing the finish line of where I want and need to be is this issue.

To say I am scared is the understatement of the century. I know how words hurt. Even ones you believe in and believe to be true. Even truth can be a rock that shatters. Shatters people, shatters lives, shatters families and all the relationships you hold dear. And you can never know where its gonna stop. Just because I feel the need to tell my version of the truth, that's not to say that there isn't another perfectly valid version and it's not fair that because I am holding the mike and I have the stage that the other version, whatever it is, true or not, gets told. And once cracked the glass will never be whole again. And let's face it, if this one gets out of the bag it won't be a crack it will be a full on tsunami of damage. The kind that people never heal from.

So yeah....I am reluctant to "go there" even though I honestly feel that if I don't the cost may be my soul. Or at least my piece of mind. And given that I am on the verge of shedding this old skin (literally once I get my surgery) and becoming the person I was meant to be- I don't know if I can hold on to this chunk of my life, my history, and still move forward. My future is precious to me and it is RIGHT THERE, Chris is standing before me with his hand extended. He will love and protect me for the rest of my life (and me him) and we are gonna have a family and live fantastically fabulous lives.......but not if I still am holding on to this.

I know its time to toss the ballast overboard so we can really sail. It's time to let go and give my heart the peace I need. I need to love and forgive and let go......am I ready?

That is the question....stay tuned for the answer.

(Oh, or give me a call if YOU figure it out!!)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Forgive and be Grateful

So the yoga studio has a theme every month and not a big surprise, this month's theme is gratitude. What with the Holiday that is all about giving thanks upon us that seems more than appropriate but as we went into meditation about being grateful for the things we have (as opposed to wanting the things we don't) I got stuck. We were supposed to be giving thanks to ourselves for all the things we do for ourselves and for other people but for me I found myself not able to even go there.

Instead what I went to was the need to focus on forgiveness. For me there can be no gratitude until there is forgiveness and I have been trying very hard to dig and really get to the cause of why I am struggling so much with maintaining my weight. I just find my impulse control going out the window. For no damn reason at all last night I grabbed a donut when I got gas last night. Totally canceled out the joy of the fat free cappuccino I was "treating" myself too. I got into the car and inhaled the damn thing before it even processed that I had bought it in the first place and I felt that same panic/rush I have felt so many times in my life. All I can figure out is that I am punishing myself.

The things I have punishing myself for is very long and I could fill pages and pages with the list. Things like not being there for my family, not being loved by my mother (cuz clearly that is my fault), not being strong enough, not being in a better financial situation, not doing what I know I should do, not making the right choices......blah blah blah. I could go on for days.

So what I thought about today is how do I forgive myself and I know it starts by letting go.

Sure......no problem. Let go. Easy

I am certain I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this issue but it's tough. It's hard to take accountability and ownership of your life while letting go of some of those things all at the same time. And if I am brutally honest I don't want to let some of those things go because I really believe I have done things that I do need to suffer and be punished for and I have to believe that this lack of impulse control that has been taking over and making these bad decisions for me is my BS acting the role of the Punisher. (cue the super villain)

So that was my moment today. I am hoping by forcing myself back into writing consistently this blog will do for me what it has done before and be that mirror and that guide that helps me work out and see what it really going on cuz right now I feel more than a little adrift and I don't want to get so far out that I can't see land and can never get back to where I was.

Help.....(she says to the universe)

Help me to see and understand and learn.....I will offer it up and let what is supposed to happen, happen.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Being a LOSER

So what is life like after one loses 200+ lbs? I just got done watching the Biggest Loser and ironically Tracey (not me, duh) went home tonight. I didn't really like her and kinda mad she has my name (even spelled the same way- weird) but it did get me thinking about the happy sparkly packages they show of everyone "after the show".

There are fat pant clips (feel free to revisit my rant about this topic), clips of sweaty people in gyms still working out consistently and totally loving life.

Is it real?

I am sure most of it is, most days. But here I am my very own Biggest Loser and its not all sparkly and shiny. I don't have my fat pants cuz I gave them all away as soon as I grew out of them and while I struggle to find that happy balance in "the real world" my new pants are starting to get a bit tight again. For me life is not easy peasy post weight loss. Not that I feel I am at the end of my weight loss journey but for a variety of reasons this summer totally threw me off my game and I haven't yet found my way back to a schedule and routine I can live with.

So for me, not so easy, and I think that is important for people to know. I knew going into this whole process that the back end part would be the real struggle and it is living up to what I expected. I feel like I have always been pretty realistic about what I can and can't do and what to expect. It is just another stretch of road that needs to be traveled.

I was at such a high level with my workouts back in July and when I go to workout now I get so pissed that I am not at that level anymore. I know I worked like a fiend to get where I was and I need to let me body slowly build back up but I find myself getting tired and frustrated and then I give up and don't workout the rest of the week.

It's a struggle....and I still find myself very conflicted with the whole world of "treats". I want to be a person who can have "A" cookie and that's it but if I have "A" cookie I find myself also grabbing a caramel latte to wash it down and then if I have already had that why not have a few other "treats" as long as I am "good" tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I already blew it yesterday so why not just wait and start over on that most coveted day of all dieters....c'mon, say it with me: The diet starts on MONDAY! (coughbullshitcough)

I know I can resist, I did it for a WHOLE YEAR....so why can I not keep it together right now? I am trying not to beat myself up about it but I live in mortal fear everyday of the scale creeping up the wrong direction. And let's face it, I can't go back to where I was. I can't afford the new pants!!

So yeah, in my opinion life after being a Loser is better, no question. It is also a whole new set of challenges and struggles and I haven't scene THAT show yet.....but I am a living Loser everyday.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tis the Season

I guess it is no surprise that family has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks. This is the time of year when families get closer and plans get made and who is bringing what and blah blah blah....all that good stuff.

The Holidays are bittersweet for me. Moving forward in my life there will always be the shadow of sadness covering them as we come upon the anniversary of losing my brother (New Year's Eve) and this year will be the first year without my Grandma.

My Grandma was all about the Holidays. She would bake and cook for days and the parade of hot pots and bowls and trays of goodies was endless when it came time to pack up all her stuff and bring it over to our house (my mom's house) for dinner. All she ever wanted was all her family together and twice a year she got it and I know they were the happiest moments of her life.

Living so far away I slowly drifted out of the Holiday routine going from barely decorating or celebrating the Holidays to these days, unless I go back to Iowa, I don't celebrate at all. It is just another day to me. That's not to say I haven't gotten plenty of invites to be a guest over the years and occasionally accepted them but its always a bit awkward to be the guest at someone else's family celebration. They never do things the way your family does which a) is just wrong and b)reminds you that you aren't with your family.

This year I will be with Chris and his mom and we will begin our new family celebration. It's going to be weird and an adjustment for us all. I already have been warned that they do Holidays big so I am revving my Holiday motor up.

Still.....it will be different and a little sad. But that's ok and I am sure we will find a way to honor everything that is important to us all about family, old and new.

The important thing is...we are all together in heart if not in body.