Saturday, August 30, 2008

Caution- wandering mind ahead!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Caution- wandering mind ahead!
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

I am bored....boredboredboredboredbored. So I have been wandering around my condo doing bullshit stuff and letting my mind wander. Welcome to my inner thoughts....

Am I ready for romance? There is someone who I am very interested in right now romantically- which is a good thing. The thought of getting involved with someone has opened up a lot of thoughts and feeling that I have not sorted through in a long time. Really since I moved to AZ I have not dated a ton, there was always a perfectly good excuse to put off dating or putting myself out there in any way. I was very social and outgoing in college- so much so that my nickname was "the butterfly" in social butterfly. I remember my bf Janet used to get so mad at me when we'd go out that I would flit around here and there and she could never find me. Ahhhh, good times. Then when I moved to Chicago I was really on my own for the first time. I had moved there sight unseen and did not know a soul there. It was then that I did the online dating thing hard core and dated a lot, no really A LOT. It was fun and depressing all at the same time. I was so into dating and the thrill of chasing down the next guy I didn't really settle down with any one guy. There were 2 guys who I did have a deeper relationship with and they each lasted a few months each but then I moved on (for various reasons). So now that I am presented with the thought of "getting out there" again I find that I don't have any of my old "game". I used to be able to slip into "seduction" mode so easily but now I just feel akward and clumsy like I have never dated before. I would hate to screw up a potential relationship just because I am a dork but the part of me who has kept me from going out the past few years is really holding me back. I also question if this is the right time to start a new relationship when I am going through so many changes- grieving for my brother, going through this diet process. I feel like I am doing an entire re-write on the definition of who "I" am is so would it be fair to be with someone when I am not 100% solid in my own head? I hate even putting it out there that I am not that strong, independent woman who knows who she is and what she wants. When I was dating I did feel very powerful and secure in who I was and I know that was the key to the attraction and chemistry I had with the people I went out with but I really am not in that place right now. On the other hand I know if anyone would want to be with me now, as is, they would be someone I could be with for the long haul. Not that I am a total mess but if you can hang with me now, you would be amazed at who I am when I get back on solid ground. I would like the sister keeps talking about her husband as being her "soft place to land". I just think that is such a lovely thing. I would to have that someone I could just sink into and know its all going to be ok. All I know is I am open to seeing what happens and I do hope for the best.

On another note I have been thinking about obsticles and how true it is that you are the only person who can hold you back for doing everything you want. It's one of those things you hear a thousand times and it just slides off your back until you hear (or think it) and just the right time and BAM! It whacks you between the eyes. I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of a fog, or funk, or whatever you call it when you just get stuck. I know how hard it is to move when the weight of the world holds you down and I especially know how easy it is to just climb into bed and hide from life. When you are in that place its like you are underwater and you can hear and see thing but it is all muffled and fuzzy and you just can't break free. I don't know the secret of how to get out from under that fog, all I know is you just have to keep marching on and keep doing the best you can until the clouds break and you can breathe again. I feel like the clouds have broke for me a bit, although I am still having days where I can't even do my job because I just have no desire to do anything but stare out the window. But, I take my own advice and keep marching on and that is why I have been thinking about how you can get in your own way. The only person who is keeping me from doing what I want and having everything I am capable of having is myself. That is true now and was always true....kinda like Dorothy and her ruby slippers. She had to go on that long ass journey just to figure out she coulda clicked her heels anytime to have gotten her ass home. I guess we all have journeys we need to take before we can admit that the only person fucking up our lives this whole time was ourselves. In one of my earlier blogs I have the piece "Time" posted...some of you know where that was from...and the quote from that which always hit me was "your life is a reflection of your mind." That just hit me because I don't think my life reflects all that is in my mind and I feel like it is my mission to live up to my own minds potential.

I just have to get out of my own way....

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