Tuesday, May 27, 2014

To quote a Queen...

We are just 15 days into my "unemployment" (I am officially employed until June 13th) and it's been really nice to just relax. Not having to get up at 5am means I can stay up past 9pm and because Momma is up Q has adjusted her schedule accordingly too. It really has been heaven to have cuddle time in the morning and just be with my family and yet...

I feel this sense of "something is missing". It's that "did I turn off the coffee pot" feeling- mild anxiety while talking yourself into the fact that everything is fine. That unshakable feeling that something is not right.

I don't have to set my alarm.
I don't have any meetings or conference calls.
I don't have to do anything right now cuz I can do it when Q naps.

I was just talking to my husband (while he is between HIS conference calls) and explaining my current head space to him. I was wondering even this morning if I really am a person who can live without a signature line in my email. Can I really truly be a stay at home momma? I really have no idea.

We were going to be putting Q in a toddler program for the summer to give Chris some work time and let Q get socialized but I am putting that on hold until fall so we can find our routine. I need to start doing some research and figure out what we can do as it starts getting HOT outside. I need to find out where all the cool moms go- literally!

So as I start getting the house organized (long overdue) and getting a Q on a new schedule and start finding some activities to keep us busy my inner dialog keeps asking me- can you do this? For reals?

I have to admit its scary to think of not earning a paycheck. I pretty much insisted Chris quit his gig and start his own business when he moved in 4 years ago and since it takes awhile to build a new biz I also accepted the role of steady income earner. To not have my own check seems surreal to say the least. It really has nothing to do with income to the house- I am confident Chris can more than cover my income with his new venture but its MY earnings that will be missing. It just feels weird.

I have been running with the other rats for so long- racing for the piece of cheese some bastard keeps moving I don't know if I can stop.

As I have been finding a new appreciation for Disney movies I will quote the very current and trendy Elsa....it is time to (gulp)

let it go......

Monday, May 26, 2014

All of Me- for you

I have been blessed with love.

Five years ago I met a man who changed every part of me. He is kind, gentle, loving and my true soul mate in every sense of the word. Tomorrow is our 3rd anniversary but we are celebrating tonight because tomorrow he has to apply nose to grindstone and focus on the prize- our future.

I know so many wonderful women who are looking for love and I can only begin to hope they have a chance to experience a love like I was so deeply blessed to find. I hate to over use that word but I really don't know another way to describe the gift of his love but as a blessing for surely it was sent to me by powers greater than those on this earth.

I said that his love has changed me and yet it seems ironic that while I am changed I am more myself today than I ever have been. It is only through this love that I have been able to become the wife I am (and continue to learn to be) and the mother to our beautiful and precious daughter. I can look in the mirror every morning so secure in the knowledge that I was meant to be his wife and her mother. Love did that to me.

Christopher George- I need you to know how wonderful life is because of you. I want to thank you for all the joy and even the heartache we have experienced together because it has colored the pages of our life. 

I want you to know how honored I am to have you as a friend and partner. I want to thank you for making me your wife and for the greatest gift of all- the gift of being a mother. I can safely say that Quinn would not be who she is without you (mini-me...or rather mini YOU)

I love spending everyday with you and simply can not wait for our future- but not so much that I don't drink in every moment of the present.

It's simple- I love you. Deeply, passionately, and without reservation. I trust you. I respect you and I even just plain like you!

Thank you for 5 years of adventures and 3 years of wedded bliss. It's been grand my love- more?!!

All of me,

Tracey Luann

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Perfect Job

For those who did not get the newsflash on Facebook this past Monday (May 12, 2014) I was officially laid off from my corporate job which I have had for the last 4 years and 10 months.

Technically I am still employed until June 13th as we have been given some time to find a new position within the company. On the 13th I will receive a severance package if I have not found a new internal position. Those are the cold, hard facts of the state of my world.

The question everyone so nicely has been asking is "how are you doing?" To answer there needs to be a little back story...

I first took my "current" position right as Chris and I started dating. It was my firm belief and goal that he needed to quit his gig and start his own business and it made sense after years and years of head hunting and being paid only commission that we have at least one stable income while he launched his biz. He has done very well with Reyactive LLC and it has been slowing building for the past few years. Meanwhile I kept trudging along in the corp salt mine. Now to be very clear- I am and have always expressed my very pure gratitude for my job. It has been there to help us get married and to have a Quinn but my heart was never ever in it. It is and always was a J O B. I didn't bring it home at night and it was not how I identified myself- which frankly was a first for me and something I really struggled with during my days there.

I honestly felt a pang every time I saw one of those "live your passion" memes because while I have plenty of dreams and passions there was something I was doing for my family that was far more critical for us- its called putting a roof over our head and feeding us. I get the higher calling- I really do but for all you who preach the "life is too short to not follow your dream" please remember that someone can work just a "job" and still be living their dream- security for their family. Just a little food for thought the next time you get a little judge-y.

So back to the corp world- while a big huge company can provide the illusion of security I have been through a grinder or two so I never ever let myself get to comfortable. I always have had an eye open and a Plan B. My particular dept has been on the short list far too many times and finally it got cut. While we were getting the news I have to say my first emotion was relief. When you are constantly fearing and waiting for  the other shoe to drop its kind of a relief when it does. It's like "OK- that's done....now what?"

So no shock and awe here other than just than a 2 minute panic attack on the way home. Our call was at 9am so when I walked in the door at 10 my husband was shocked but not really. Ironically I was supposed to be leaving Tuesday to go on a business trip which would have been my first night away from Quinn. Man plans- God laughs I guess.

Anyways- so all that is really to say I am OK with what has happened. I do have some financial runway to make adjustments and the real truth is we have been working to get me home since I got pregnant. If you pay attention to my husbands posts at all you know he is launching something BIG- so big that we were already prepping that I would be able to quit by August so really all corp USA did was steal my thunder!

I have been thrown a few leads but I have to say I did get one offer I could not turn down. My new employer has made it clear that the budget is tight and there is little advancement opportunities but it does come with some perks that are pretty amazing- unlimited huggles and cuddles and nuzzles! I am going to try my hand at being a full time momma!

I have a whole other blog post about my emotions on this but for now I can announce how happy and thrilled I am to be with my baby girl from her first smile in the morning to her last sigh as she falls asleep.

I will also be stepping up and working more with Chris on our business so more on that as well!

All in all I am blessed beyond belief and thanks to all who have offered support and good wishes! I am worried, scared, excited, happy......I could go on but you get it!

Damn- I am gonna have to get a Pinterest account now aren't I?? :::forehead slap::::

Monday, May 5, 2014

Mean Mommies

As a new mom I am still figuring out  this whole mommy world. It really is like entering a foreign country where you don't speak the language but got plopped right down in the middle of this new land so now you have to sink or swim.

Most days it feel more like sinking.

I am pretty savvy with doing research so while I was expecting I got all the baby classes scheduled, researched the best products, interviewed multiple pediatricians and read every blog and post I could find to arm myself with knowledge on how to be the best mommy I could be. My situation was a little different because I wasn't having my child when all of my peers were so I didn't have a community of "mommy friends" I could tap into who were ready with hand-me-down onesies and tips on which was the best breast pump to get. I had to go it alone.

So Q is now 18 months old and I feel like we have done pretty well just us. Chris and I do our best everyday and we are blessed with a pretty easy going kid but at some point we do need to let her interact with the world and get her socialized.

We have gone out to the parks, children's museums, kid themed restaurants and Q does great with other kids. She even got her first kiss from a 2 year old Lothario named Jaden while waiting at a restaurant looking at a fountain. He snuck the first one in but when he came back for more Q put up her hand to block him. (#proudmommymoment)

The one thing I did not expect in all this child rearing stuff are a group of  women I have come to call in my head the "mean mommies". Now I have no interest in mom shaming and I do my best to not judge other parents because I am far too busy with my own shoes than to walk a mile in theirs. Still I feel this is an earned name because as I step into "their" playground turf holding the hand of my beloved child- watching to see where her eyes go and see which directions she wanders (slide? wow! ladder thingy? yay! sand? nommy!!) I see them in their tight little pack with their collective brood who is running about the playground marking their territory. I swear when they see us coming they step even closer together sending a big ol- why are YOU here vibe to us?

Now Q is so little and she just wants to play so I feel she ducks this pretty easily but I get caught in it like a fly in a web. Any thoughts of going up and making some new mommy friends are quickly nixed. There is no welcoming, no warmth, no cooing at each others kids exchanging vitals. "how old?" "what's his/her name?" "how many teeth?" It's total mean girl lock down and no one else is allowed in.

I could almost convince myself it is just me if not for the poor dad I met at the park Friday. I was scoping out a new park that was a bit out of the way and seemed a bit more friendly and cozy than others we have been to so far. Aside from the MM's the only other people there was a dad and his 17 month old daughter. Poor guy was clearly out of his element trying to chase his girl, get her to drink from a fountain (no sippy cup?!! boy did he get a look for that!) and get all the sand out of her shoes.

Our 2 girls gravitated towards each other and began the process of checking each other out- holding hands, grabbing each others toys, his kid sticking her finger in Q's mouth (??!!- eh? Q didn't mind) so we introduced ourselves and the girls as they played. We talked a little and then Q grabbed a ball that one of the big kids had brought so I quickly asked the MMs if that was ok?

Even thought it was 90 degrees the look I got was worthy of Elsa it was so frosty. I looked back at my new dad friend and in one glance I knew he was thinking the same thing. He said he had been there an hour and they never spoke to him once.

Now I get it- clearly they are friends. Their kids go to the same school. They have a solid group of long term friends. They are involved in each other lives and I am just someone who grabbed my kid wandered into their world. But isn't this for the kids? Aren't we supposed to be setting an "everyone is welcome" environment? If they see you excluding someone how can you tell them not to do it themselves? In fact- they already are following your example as not one of the kids even glanced at Q. And when you are so busy talking ABOUT your kids to each other instead of interacting with them in the moment what are you teaching?

Sorry ladies but I pass. Give me the strays of the group. We will make out our group of misfit "Idon'tknowwhatIamdoingcanyoupleasehelp" parents. Our kids will get messy and crazy but they will welcome all the other kids and have fun.

 And I will be right there with them soaking up as much of these toddler days as I can!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Where the heart is

Who am I? Where should I be right now? What would really make me happy? At any time these questions are rolling through my head. Even more so since I became a mother! I am not gonna lie- as the days of my maternity leave came to an end I got more and more depressed and starting the week before I went back to work and lasting for the first 6 months I pretty much cried myself to sleep and was still crying as I left the house. I counted down every second and would literally run into the house to pick up my baby and cuddle her close. I felt with every fiber of my being that I was damaging her by not being there when she needed me the most. I had stopped breast feeding by the time I went back so it wasn't the food issue but I felt she just needed ME to be there with her. 

Truth be told I still tear up at least once a week as I kiss her forehead while creeping out the door.

Luckily we have been able to swing our schedules so while I am at work Chris can be the primary caregiver then we tag out when I get home so he can work on his business and on those days we need extra coverage we have a sitter who comes to our house. It has worked out as well as can be expected and despite my fears and worries Q is a very happy and well adjusted kid.

Still my soul literally screams that I should be home with her. 

I am very luck to have a solid job that has given us stability and any of you folks who have a brilliant entrepreneur in the family as I do know that as a business gets launched it sometimes takes a supplementary income to balance out those highs and lows. I am beyond grateful to have a job that provides for my family and we have been very grateful and yet I have to say it is more of a struggle than I imagined being a working momma.

It's not the hours, or the juggling or the multitasking even that bothers me. It really is just that stronger than steel bond I have with my daughter that pulls me to her and causes me physical pangs of longing when I am not with her. And let me be clear- never in a zillion years did I think I would have feelings like this. I had settled into the "motherhood is not for me" boat and was just fine. I had made peace with the fact that having a kid was not on my to do list and that was perfectly ok. 

And then a boy came along.....

And then a baby girl was born....

And my need to be with them is tangible and physical and so powerful it is overwhelming. 

I need to figure out who I am and what my passion is now but for now the title I really want is....Momma.