Saturday, August 30, 2008

Set in Stone

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Set in Stone

Current mood: drained
Category: Life

As I write this my family is at the cemetary setting my brother's headstone on his grave. I can picture them all there in my mind and I hope they all know I am there with them in my heart. I have been thinking about Troy all weekend and I have discovered there just is no floor to how much grief a person can feel. I want him back so much. There is still so much he needs to do and see. I went to the bookstore to distract myself and I saw a George Carlin book. Troy was a big fan and he would have been so upset to hear he passed away. I would have called him and talked to him about that. I probably would have bought the book and sent it to him with a little note- sticky note of course. I googled his name and found an entry he had submitted on a metal detecting site. He talked about his jar of "cool stuff" and I can see the jar sitting on his counter between the kitchen and dining room. His house that his family never went back to and I will never walk into again.

When there is an earthquake for days after you can feel aftershocks as the earth readjusts. I guess this weekend and Troy's birthday are an aftershock for me, and I assume the rest of my family. I just feel so hollow and empty inside. I want to talk to someone but I don't know what to say (this is the classic Herrick trait I have mentioned before btw....proof that I am a Herrick and know of what I speak!). I can't even work up the energy to be mad because I know it won't do any good. I have this list of coulda's and shoulda's and why's that keep rolling through my head and the answer my mind gives to each one is the same....doesn't matter. Nothing will ever change the fact that Troy is gone. Ever.

I keep clinging to that Little Prince quote- I hope someone else loves that as much as I do. I think it is so perfect- but here is the part I keep repeating. "And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me." That is how I feel. I am glad Troy is my brother and my friend and I do and will always want to laugh with him. That is the part I miss the most. I just wish the phone would ring and it would be one of his random phone calls. I want to go over to his house and watch 80's videos and see who can sing the loudest (and worst). I want to be able to tell him what is going onin my life and have him tell me he is proud of me and happy I am his sister. I want him to come out and visit me and just hang out in my world.

THH 7/13

The truth of the heart
far apart
you will always be near
in every tear.
I walk on
not so strong
but every step
is a lesson learned
about the heart
and how you made your mark
on lives
you never knew.
Every day I honor you
and will miss you
until the next day we meet.
I love you.

Your adoring sister. xoxo

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