Saturday, July 19, 2008
Beam Me up Scotty
Current mood: vexed
Category: Life
I was a psych major BID (back in the day) so I know a fair bit about "norms". A "norm" is your comfort zone, what you are used to, what is status quo for you. Now norms can change with given situations or over a periods of time. It has always been amazing to me the capacity people have to readjust their norms and redefine what "normal" and "comfortable" is to them. Where am I going with this you might ask....not really sure but I think it applies in my life a few different ways right now.
First- therapy update....had my second session on thursday. It was still weird but as I have already accepted it is a part of "how things are now" it was a bit more routine. I got there, stripped to my skivvies and hopped on the bed/gurney thingy. Although I must say it was a different room and then bed was more like a weight bench then a bed, I felt like I was going to flip off it at any moment. Yeah, you try to "rellllaaaaxxxx and brreeaaaatthhhhh" when you feel your ass cheeks sliding off the side of the bench! There was a different therapist doing the upper massage part and I kinda think she wasn't really paying attention. My first clue was when she did a behind the back move when she was working my neck and pits. Then I heard something new....a beep, beep, beeping noise. After a few minutes of that I stopped willing my ass to not flip off the bench long enough to ask what that beeping was. Turns out it was a laser treatment. The area of my legs that have been holding the fluid the longest have gotten hard and the laser is used to break up the hardness and get the tissue soft. I guess very very few clinics have this technology so its a good thing. I wanted to look and see what she was doing exactly but its hard to look at your leg when someone is elbow deep in your pits doing a deep massage.
The wrapping is.....ok. I mean, don't get me wrong it sucks. It is July and hot and humid and its 5 fricking layers, not fun. When I want to shower it is a 2 hour process to unwrap my legs and roll them up (to keep them tight and stretchy) then I shower and dry my hair, then I re-wrap them so unless I get up at 4 am (NOT gonna happen) then I have to do it all at night. All 5 layers....I am bent over so much rolling and wrapping I must admit I got a little dizzy the first few times. And I really really hate having to shower at night. I am a very good sleeper and my hair shows it in the morning. I am NOT one of those rise out of bed and looking sparkling fresh kinda girls. As far as the therapy itself there are def. results so far. They said I have lost the equivalent of 1.5 2 liter bottles of fluid from my legs so far. Now where that fluid has gone is the question....over time I should, err, excrete it in some fashion. For now they are not wrapping up to the groin but I have to spend at least an hour massaging my thighs and tummy to keep the fluid from building up there and encourage it to find other ways out. It basically feels like I am constantly feeling myself up....where is a boyfriend when you really need one (that reminds me, I need new batteries)!
And now there is a new "norm" for me in having the bandages on. It is a part of what I do now. I'd love to sit and bitch and whine about it but it doesn't much matter, it is just what I have to do now and is my new normal. I am still very concerned about the "what comes next part". I have no idea what I am going to have to do for long term maintenance. I don't know if I'll ever be able to wear cute shoes or even a skirt ever again and how do I keep them from just filling up all over again once I stop therapy?? As I was out doing errands I caught so many people staring at my legs. I hate it but I can't say I wouldn't do the same. It is what it is.....
I am feeling very very restless today and can't really say why. I feel like there is something more I should be doing although I don't know what that would be. I have been obsessing about my mother which I am tempted to write more about but it is such a deep dark well that I wouldn't know where to dive in and begin. Another day perhaps...
Things at worked have improved. My friend Meegan moved on and looks like she will be getting a new gig soon. We are keeping in touch and I hope to get together with her soon. My VP was in town this week because we have 2 new people starting. They are both very professional and good at the biz and they are both on the sassy side which I approve of! I also made a placement which made my boss very happy and now he will be off my ass for awhile. With the addtion of the new peeps I am now my own division so it is good that for its first month my division is profitable. Yay me.
I am now down 66lbs. The girls at the clinic pulled out my "before" pic and were oooooohing over the change so far. I wish I could see it but the before pic still looks pretty current to me. I just bought the shirt I am wearing in it. I am on track to be down 100 by Sept. There is still a ways to go though and I don't think I'll be able to "enjoy" it until I get this lymphodema thing behind me and even then who know what my new "norm" will be....
xoxo- T
Beam Me up Scotty
Current mood: vexed
Category: Life
I was a psych major BID (back in the day) so I know a fair bit about "norms". A "norm" is your comfort zone, what you are used to, what is status quo for you. Now norms can change with given situations or over a periods of time. It has always been amazing to me the capacity people have to readjust their norms and redefine what "normal" and "comfortable" is to them. Where am I going with this you might ask....not really sure but I think it applies in my life a few different ways right now.
First- therapy update....had my second session on thursday. It was still weird but as I have already accepted it is a part of "how things are now" it was a bit more routine. I got there, stripped to my skivvies and hopped on the bed/gurney thingy. Although I must say it was a different room and then bed was more like a weight bench then a bed, I felt like I was going to flip off it at any moment. Yeah, you try to "rellllaaaaxxxx and brreeaaaatthhhhh" when you feel your ass cheeks sliding off the side of the bench! There was a different therapist doing the upper massage part and I kinda think she wasn't really paying attention. My first clue was when she did a behind the back move when she was working my neck and pits. Then I heard something new....a beep, beep, beeping noise. After a few minutes of that I stopped willing my ass to not flip off the bench long enough to ask what that beeping was. Turns out it was a laser treatment. The area of my legs that have been holding the fluid the longest have gotten hard and the laser is used to break up the hardness and get the tissue soft. I guess very very few clinics have this technology so its a good thing. I wanted to look and see what she was doing exactly but its hard to look at your leg when someone is elbow deep in your pits doing a deep massage.
The wrapping is.....ok. I mean, don't get me wrong it sucks. It is July and hot and humid and its 5 fricking layers, not fun. When I want to shower it is a 2 hour process to unwrap my legs and roll them up (to keep them tight and stretchy) then I shower and dry my hair, then I re-wrap them so unless I get up at 4 am (NOT gonna happen) then I have to do it all at night. All 5 layers....I am bent over so much rolling and wrapping I must admit I got a little dizzy the first few times. And I really really hate having to shower at night. I am a very good sleeper and my hair shows it in the morning. I am NOT one of those rise out of bed and looking sparkling fresh kinda girls. As far as the therapy itself there are def. results so far. They said I have lost the equivalent of 1.5 2 liter bottles of fluid from my legs so far. Now where that fluid has gone is the question....over time I should, err, excrete it in some fashion. For now they are not wrapping up to the groin but I have to spend at least an hour massaging my thighs and tummy to keep the fluid from building up there and encourage it to find other ways out. It basically feels like I am constantly feeling myself up....where is a boyfriend when you really need one (that reminds me, I need new batteries)!
And now there is a new "norm" for me in having the bandages on. It is a part of what I do now. I'd love to sit and bitch and whine about it but it doesn't much matter, it is just what I have to do now and is my new normal. I am still very concerned about the "what comes next part". I have no idea what I am going to have to do for long term maintenance. I don't know if I'll ever be able to wear cute shoes or even a skirt ever again and how do I keep them from just filling up all over again once I stop therapy?? As I was out doing errands I caught so many people staring at my legs. I hate it but I can't say I wouldn't do the same. It is what it is.....
I am feeling very very restless today and can't really say why. I feel like there is something more I should be doing although I don't know what that would be. I have been obsessing about my mother which I am tempted to write more about but it is such a deep dark well that I wouldn't know where to dive in and begin. Another day perhaps...
Things at worked have improved. My friend Meegan moved on and looks like she will be getting a new gig soon. We are keeping in touch and I hope to get together with her soon. My VP was in town this week because we have 2 new people starting. They are both very professional and good at the biz and they are both on the sassy side which I approve of! I also made a placement which made my boss very happy and now he will be off my ass for awhile. With the addtion of the new peeps I am now my own division so it is good that for its first month my division is profitable. Yay me.
I am now down 66lbs. The girls at the clinic pulled out my "before" pic and were oooooohing over the change so far. I wish I could see it but the before pic still looks pretty current to me. I just bought the shirt I am wearing in it. I am on track to be down 100 by Sept. There is still a ways to go though and I don't think I'll be able to "enjoy" it until I get this lymphodema thing behind me and even then who know what my new "norm" will be....
xoxo- T
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