Saturday, August 30, 2008

Here I go again on my own

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Here I go again on my own

Current mood: infuriated
Category: Life

I am so mad and frustrated right now. As I mentioned I have been having issues with the compression garments (stockings) I have been wearing during the day. I am not sure why they hurt me but they do and it has been getting worse and worse to the point where I was literally screaming the whole drive home Friday. Needless to say this has been making me unproductive at work and generally a cranky beast. They have also rubbed sore (a la blisters) into the back on my ankles and with lymphodema you have to be careful with infection so I have been worried about that.

I called the clinic I went to for therapy last week to ask about when I should get my varicose veins treated and mentioned tha pain I was having then. Keri (who I worked with before) told me to keep them updated on it and we will see what we need to do. So yesterday I call and there is a new therapist and she bascially said I am not a patient anymore so I am back at the bottom of the list and need to go and get another referral and start the whole process all over again. I am alreay frustrated and feel like all the hard work I have been doing is for nothing and not only am I not making progress but I am worse off than I was a few weeks ago. I just feel like I am totally on my own and there is no one who cares and will be there for me and provide help and guidance (medically speaking). It just sucks how you are trully on your own and if you don't get educated and take charge of your own issues you will be floating in limbo forever with no assistance. I just wonder where the compassion and caring that I know is out there in the medical field is? I know my family has a ton of compassionate people (nurses and paramedics and home health care workers- oh my!). Why is it when you are the one who needs help you find all the doors shut and locked?

I just want to scream I am so mad. I just feel like this is a never ending struggle and the more I do to get ahead the more I stay in the same place. I don't know how to get over this wall. Not that there haven't been fleeting "good" moments where for a bit I have felt better (the dreaded question) and lighter and more attractive. But now I am back to penguin legs and my pretty new shoes got stuck back in the closet. Good thing I didn't throw the flip flops out after all.
I am just so tired of fighting and struggling and swimming, it sucks and I am doing the best I can and it doesn't seem to matter. I really don't know what else I could be doing to help myself and yet it seems to do no good.

Make no mistake kids, you can only ever ever count on yourself. For better or worse my failures and success are 100% mine cuz not a damn person can help (or will) help me.

***note: my coworker was trying to cheer me up by complimenting my hair don't today....apparently the no washed, pulled back in a ponytail "dirtbag chic" look is "in" this season. Good to know.

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