The Negotiation Method

So I am getting back into the swing of working out and it is beyond frustrating how I have in my mind where I was physically when I jumped off the wagon and my body just won't do what it used to. I keep telling myself that it took a bit to get back OUT of shape so its ok that it takes a bit to get back INTO shape -but that doesn't help when I am trucking along and can only max out at a fraction of what I used to do. The fact that I am heavier (again) than when I got off the cookie diet make me mad, sad, frustrated, and is just damn pathetic.

Yes I know I can't change what I did yesterday, I can only go forward from here BUT......grrrrrrr!!!

So what finally kicked my ass and got me to at least begin getting back on track you ask? It was a dream.....I had this very vivid dream where me (the me I am now) came face to face with the future me (the me I will be when I hit my goal weight). I don't recall any details of the dream per se, I was just left with that mirror image and being both thrilled and excited about how good future me looked and how flat out disgusted I am with present me. I can't tell you or even begin to explain the amount of shame I feel for doing exactly what I said I wasn't going to do- ever.

I don't have a good excuse (not really) I just took my eye off the ball and it was easier to give up than to get back in the fight. I could list out a ton of really good and valid pseudo-reasons and you all would nod and sympathise and let me off the hook cuz that is what we do for people. For the most part we enable them mostly cuz we might need someone to let -us- off the hook someday and we would like the favor returned. It's only polite...

None of that changes the fact that I only fit in 3 pairs of pants. I guess the one good thing I did was get rid of all my "big" clothes cuz I can't afford to go shopping so that really does only leave one option cuz I am pretty sure jammies aren't in the corporate dress code (although some people in my building might argue- but that is a whole 'nother blog topic).

So I started working out last week by figuring out a work-around to a dvd problem. One of my "excuses" to not working out was I switched DVR's and the new one doesn't play well with my DVD player so I can't work out cuz I can't play my Biggest Loser DVD's- good excuse right??!! Oh and my home laptop crashed so I couldn't use it either- see?? IMPOSSIBLE to work out under those conditions!

Ok, so I finally conceeded that it was perfectly possible to bring my work laptop home and play them on it (until the magic dvd fairy comes to fix my dvd/dvr issue- why cant we all get along??) So that issue was solved and I got reacquainted with Bob Harper.

I tell ya, he looks so nice on tv...until he is kicking your ass and its only level 1! Geesh!! I have Jillian's dvd too but it is still safely in its plastic wrap. Oh yeah, I am scared of her, not gonna lie!

I want to get a good mix going so the next day I decided to do cardio and got back on the treadmill- Ol Bessy. Now Bessy obviously did not recognize me (can't blame her, it has been awhile) and not only did a teeny workout kick my ass I got a huge frickin blister for my trouble. Great!

So, back to Bob....a bit slower this time as muscles I don't even know the names of hurt now but I made it through (mainly cuz I could do it barefoot- blister still hurt-owwy!).

Next day, back to the treadmill.....now I doubled up on socks and layered 2 bandaids on the blister so it would be nice and protected right? WRONG-O! In less than 10 mins it was rubbing my foot raw.

Dilemma.....I want to kick this week off right and not half ass anything so I can't quit after just 10 mins. What to do? Only one choice....I kicked off my shoes and continued to workout in just my socks.

Ummmmmm, yeah, I do NOT recommend that. You may now examine the picture for the answer "why not"....and yes. I do consider myself a supreme dumb ass as even while I was doing it I knew I would regret it. I figured I would suffer later...and I did.

So now all my muscles hurt and it feel like I am walking on razor sharp rocks with every step. Awesome. Good thing the next day is Friday and I was forced to use the day as a "rest day". Chris and I did end up doing a bunch of errands so there was a fair bit of walking but nothing that would do any damage. Then Saturday I gave myself the gift of going to yoga and after a great class with lots of stretching I felt MUCH better and back on track. Sunday was Bob again and it wasn't so hard and I wasn't as sore after. Yay- progress!

Then today......we had a team lunch and I had a bit more to eat than I planned and had a total crash by the time I got home. I did NOT want to workout- at all. BUT I promised myself so after stalling as long as I could by talking to Chris I got off my ass and went to the gym. I had delusions of getting on the elliptical but 5 mins in I was over it. I just couldn't get in a zone. So I switched to Ol Bessy and started trotting along.

Now comes the Negotiation Method....

I can't be the only person who does this so tell me if this sounds familiar. I walk along and start to think about how long I plan to go for (30 mins plus 5 mins cool down). Then I start planning out the next 5 mins....I usually try to do a bit of interval training.....go for 5 increase speed for 30-60 seconds then go back to normal pace and repeat. So I start making myself deals....when you get to "x" we can increase for 30 seconds and if you do that we can knock off 5 mins at the end. Then I got for another 3 mins and start planning the next 5 mind deal. Then when I get to 15 mins I think, ok that is just half, well not really cuz it's really 35 mins not just 30 so 17 is more life half and I have been really good (which is a lie but I can talk myself into believing that) so how about we knock off at 20 mins? Then at 20 I think, well I have come this far I might as well finish what I said I was gonna do cuz its all down hill from here.....then "suddenly" I am done.

Ta-Daaaaaa!

Behold....the Negotitation Method. Feel free to use it as your own if you aren't already.

:)

Hiding

So where have I been and why have I been hiding from you? Well as always its not you I have been hiding from but myself. You see sitting here typing into this blank box is me facing myself and for the past few months I have not been able to do that. I wish I could blame it something like being so distracted by playing house with my boy that I haven't had time but that isn't true. Chris is my biggest fan and I know it has him pretty concerned that I have shut down this part of my life when it has meant so much to me the past few years.

The truth is I feel like I have failed myself, failed you all and I just couldn't face it. Those of you who saw me when I was back for Kim's wedding could see I have gained a fair chunk of weight back. I have justified it at every step telling myself "still, not as bad as it was" which is true and I keep telling myself gaining weight doesn't take away from the fact that I lost 200 so I should still be proud but.....it is killing me. It hurts me to look in the mirror and see the belly back. I worked so hard and it was all too easy to let it creep back. I know I can get back to where I was and Chris and I have talked about it a lot. He has a few lbs he'd like to shed as well but its hard to get back to that disciplined place I was last year.

So I get more upset with everyday because I did exactly what I said I wouldn't. I swore I would be one of those people who lost the weight an never looked back. Well my backside is the one looking at me now and its laughing, well.....you get it.

Anyways so that it the truth, the whole truth and I am sticking to it. Where do I go from here is the question.......

Stay tuned.

Family

Funny what it took to bring me back to my blog. It was my brothers death that first prompted me to post here and then after I had gone dark for months as soon as my niece was in danger it was the first thing I came back to as a means to connect.

The update is good- the bastard is caught. Here is the recap for those who did not get the whole story. My 17 year old niece Sierra was starting her first day of her senior year on Thursday morning. She drove to school, parked in the student parking lot then crossed the street in the crosswalk to go into the school. One of those first day of the rest of your life moments when BAM! Out of nowhere a black Nissan truck going approx 30-35 miles an hour hit Sierra head on. She flew 10-15 feet in the air and landed 30 feet away from where she was hit. As she lay there the driver of the truck stopped, got out, walked over and asked if she was OK and if she needed an ambulance. She replied she was NOT ok and did need an ambulance and he then asked one of the students in the quickly forming crowd to dial 911 as he got in his truck and took off.

Sierra was then taken by ambulance to the hospital (after she was put on a back board and had C collar put on the stabilize her neck). She had some road rash, a goose egg on the top of her head and her knee has probable ligament damage and is in a brace. We will have to wait until the swelling goes down to see what the story there will be. In other words....the kid is a walking miracle. She was texting me later in the day and asked me if I thought it was Troy or my Grandma who caught her while she was flying through the air. I originally said both but my sister Toni did make a good point that Troy was never up before 1st period so it must have been Grandma.

The manhunt began with the Boone PD releasing the description of the truck and driver. I did what I could to pass on the info via Facebook and used some connections I had to get local TV stations (in Iowa) to cover the accident. Thankfully my friends came through for me and I am so grateful and thankful to everyone who reposted and looked for the bastard. I had friends telling me they were peeking into garages to try and find this jerk. I did not recommend that but it was appreciated none the less. Big thanks to WHO, KCCI and ABC who all did on camera interviews with Sierra and posted the description. Not that I doubted the police were doing everything they could but I learned quickly that 60% of all hit and runs never get solved plus Sierra is going to be OK so there is less urgency. So to have that much attention might have helped motivate the authorities just a bit more.

So Saturday am a report came through that the vehicle was spotted in Des Moines and the DSM PD had arrested him. Well that turned out to be a hoax however during that same period the vehicle was spotted in Boone. There was a female driving and when pulled over she told the cops that he boyfriend often drove the truck. The police went to his house and in a few minutes he confessed. As it turns out there are also warrants for his arrest in 2 other states so it looks like he is going away for a good stretch.

So to say it was an emotionally crazy week is a bit of an understatement. And it had been a touch week before that so yesterday I melted down hard core. Then today I find out a good friend of mine lost his brother last week and somehow it all came together for me.

Family......its all about family.

Chris and I have been in our little new roommate honeymoon phase and that has been great. It has been pure bliss having him with me here. I wake up every morning so overwhelmed with love for this man and we are building our life together. We are also building our extended family of friends and contacts and fuzzy critters. And then there is the family I was born to that is embracing Chris as he gets to know them. I love them all and am so blessed to have them all in my life.

Love.....family.......that's all I need.

News piece(s) on Sierra's accident

See the news story that ran last night on WOI-TV in Iowa on my niece:

http://www.woi-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=13016251


Boone Teen Hit by Truck, Walks Away with Minor Injuries

A Boone teen could have lost her life on the first day of school, but instead walked away with just minor injuries, after a truck plowed into her.
17-year old Sierra Owen doesn't remember the impact that sent her flying 30-feet backwards. She had started walking toward the entrance of Boone High School on one cross-walk, and then ended up in the middle of another.
As Sierra lay on the ground, the man who hit her, got out of the truck, and asked the teen if she was alright.

"I remember seeing him,"Owen said. "I didn't know it was him at the time, this guy just came up and I thought, I've never seen you before, and then he just disappeared, and then I was told that he was the driver and I was like, what a jerk."

Then as quickly as they had appeared, the driver and the truck, were gone. Leaving a bruised and battered Sierra behind.

"(I have) a big bump on my head...they think I may have torn a ligament in my knee...some cuts on my back, my back is pretty scrapped up...some road rash, but other than that, nothings broken, which I'm really surprised and thankful for."

Sierra and her family hope that the person responsible will be caught, and are disappointed that he didn't stick around the scene, after plowing into a student on the first day of senior year.

"It's all about taking accountability of your actions," Sierra said. "As my mom has told me, many, many times."


And here is the KCCI story (no interview- just story)

http://www.kcci.com/r/24698706/detail.html



BOONE, Iowa -- Boone police are asking for the public's help to find a black Nissan truck involved in a hit-and-run crash on Thursday.

Officers said the driver, a man in his early 30s, hit 17-year-old Sierra Owen Thursday morning as she was crossing the street to go to school.

Owen's mother told KCCI the driver stopped and asked if she was OK and then told another student to call 911 before driving off.

Owen has several bumps and bruises and a possible knee injury.

The driver is described as having dark hair and a goatee.

Sierra struck by Hit and Run Driver

Please repost and spread this description- my niece Sierra Owen was struck by a hit and run driver this am.

Click on this link for the news story or read it here:

Breaking: Police search for hit and run driver
by Greg Eckstrom
Published: Thursday, August 19, 2010 2:11 PM CDT
Police are searching for a vehicle that was involved in a hit and run accident in front of Boone High School at 7:44 a.m. Thursday morning.

According to emergency radio communication, the victim was a white female, 17 years of age, and was conscious, alert and breathing following the accident.

Police are asking the public to remain on the lookout for a black, early- to mid-90s Nissan pickup truck with a short bed box and a single cab. The vehicle is in very good condition, with the exception of damage to the front driver’s side bumper, which may be hanging down.

The vehicle was possibly driven by a white male in his early 30s with a muscular build, short, dark hair and a dark goatee.

Anyone who recognizes this vehicle or may know the driver is asked to call 911.

Thanks to my hometown friends and family who are spreading the word so we can catch this guy!

My Boy's Blog

While I get my arse in gear check out Chris's blog.....I'll be back soon. I promise

And, and...then the BEAR jumped out

Ok, so it's not my fault- I SWEAR. You see there was a plane....and, and it crashed. Nonono, there was a flood and then a big wave came and..... OK no, what REALLY happened was a black hole opened up and the whole universe got sucked into it.

(sigh)

So yes my lovelies I am so so so sorry I have not blogged recently but frankly I blame the boy. The boy who has been recently upgraded from boyfriend to roomie!! Yes for those non FB readers Chris has officially moved in with me! It has been 3 weeks and the settling process is nearly complete. I think we are down to 4 boxes left to unpack and that is mostly books and office stuff.

Now I have never lived with a bf and I have not had a roommate for over 10 years so I have been a bit nervous to see how it would all shake out but all in all I have to say that its been pretty great. I will go into much more detail over the weekend since I now am able to a) get into my office and b) function in the office. I just wanted to post something before a search party was sent out to find me.

The truth is I am doing well and have never been happier in my life.....but don't you worry, there will always be drama to entertain us all. More on that later. ;)

It only looks easy

So you all know how much yoga has brought to me (thank you Desert Song!!) I keep telling people go for the exercise ands stay for the spiritual journey.

It really has brought me a lot of peace and helped me focus during some rough times in my life. Now the Universe does like it's challenges and continues to lob its curve balls at me so I read something in a yoga journal I get that really hit home for me so I am really putting some energy into it to see what happens.

I can't recall the exact quote but the flavor I got from it was to stop fighting everything that happens and focus more on moving with the flow of life. Letting it wash over you and through you instead of being pelted by life like a fire hose turned on full force.

Now as I am a person who has put in my fair share of miles swimming up steam this seems like a fine idea. I am working on moving with life. I swear I am. I am working so hard at it.

Oh....

Guess what?......

It is just as much work as swimming upstream.

(damn)

Chris just tonight was explaining the concept of how it actually takes more control to stay steady in a strong current than to swim against it sometimes.

Great.

....figgers

(deep sigh)

Still I think it is a theory worth exploring. If nothing else it mixes things up and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results so at the very least I can hope for different results with a different approach.

Still....it's not nearly as easy as it sounds.

Special People

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to reflect and honor my Grandmother with my first blog of April. It was just a year ago that we lost her and I miss her so much. I remember when I first made the decision to move to Arizona and one of my big concerns was being so far away from my Grandma when we had no idea how much time she had left. I didn't get back to see her as much as I would have liked but I made the most of the time I was able to get home I know she appreciated every moment I spent with her. Nothing was more important to my Grandma than family.

I wish so much Grandma could have met Chris and be able to see with her own eyes how happy and in love I am.I know she was always so worried about me being alone and not having anyone to take care of her "Tacey Lanny" I know she would be so relieved to know that not only am I being looked after and taken care of but I am being loved more deeply than I could have ever dreamt I would be. I am sure Grandma would have some strong words for Chris and the strongest of them all would be "thank you for taking care of my littlest grand-daughter".

It almost seems fitting then that Chris's birthday is just after my Grandma's. His birthday was on Easter this year and while he had to work (boo!) I did my best to make the most of the time we did have together. I went shopping and bought my first dress since I dropped the weight (then picked it up, then put it down then....). I hate how my legs looks but I realized my poor boy had never seen me in a dress so it was part of my present to him. It is purple and black and didn't look to bad after I got it on if I do say so myself. Then cuz I got the dress I had to get the gear to go with it so I went to Vickie's (you know where I mean) and stocked up and then I got the hair and nails done. By the time my boy got home I had flowers, candles and a put together girl waiting for him. I let him pick what he wanted to do but really wanted to go out for a drink (and it was past 10pm- OMG!!) so we did and had a lovely evening. Then the next morning we did birthday gifts, then Easter baskets and then had brunch and a new place that might become a new fave hangout (The Florist Cafe- check it out Phx peeps!). It was nice and while I wanted more time with my birthday boy I am hoping it was as special a day for him as it was for me.

April is a special month and I was so happy to be able to honor and celebrate the 2 most special and important people in the whole world to me.

Room in my heart

Staying up late to write a post.....and by late I mean past 9pm. (sigh) What has my life become?? I am now a person who gets up at dark o'clock. Ugh. I now work 6am-3pm since I am working the EST time zone. Getting up that early blows but I am getting used to getting off at 3pm and still having tome during the day to get stuff done so....makes it a bit more bearable.

Well the BIG news is I can officially announce the newest addition to my family. My niece Holli gave birth to my grand nephew Cashten Mikel. He is beautiful and mother and son are doing well. I am so excited to come home and meet him in June. Love you Holli and love Cashten too!!

I want to give a really good reason for not writing as much this month as I had planned and the new schedule seems like a really good excuse but the truth is I have once again just been getting in my own way. I wish there was some kind of warning life could give us- like the arms that come down at railroad crossing that stop us when we are about to get into our own way. But life isn't that simple.

The hell of it is you hurt yourself when you do it but you hurt the people around you as well. It kills me to think of how much I have been hurting Chris because of my own stupid insecurities and by inner demons. I just have this need to push ahead and want more even than I have even though I know there are very good, sound, rational reasons for waiting and letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

It is my new challenge in life to relax, breathe and accept what the moment has to offer and to not let myself get upset or frustrated by what I don't have (yet).....especially when what I do have is so amazing and wonderful and more then I ever dreamed I would have in the first place.

So Chris- this is my public and heartfelt apology to you for letting you think for a second that you are anything less then my dream come true and thank you for all you have given me and how happy you make me everyday.

I wish it was as simple as boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. I mean, on the broadest possible scale I suppose that is what happens but damn it sure does leave out a LOT of details doesn't it?

I watched a really great movie this weekend called Feast of Love (Netflicks- check it out) and there was a scene where one of the characters was talking about a very sad tragedy and he said"Wow- god must really hate us. I mean, he must despise us to give us so much pain..." and the other character said "No, I don't think it works like that. I think God gives us all this pain because he also gave us such big hearts to be able to absorb all the pain. We couldn't handle so much pain unless we had big hearts too..."

The master appears when the student is ready and I think that is the message I was meant to get from the universe right now. Yes there is alot lot of pain in my life (and yours) but we wouldn't have gotten this pain unless we had the room in our hearts to wrap it up and make it better- and make ourselves stronger for having absorbed it.

That's all.....

What's longer than a quickie?

I know,I know I posted a "quickie" with a promise of a longer blog to follow and then I slack. Bad Tracey! Bad!!

Things have been super crazy the past few weeks....I know, when are they not in my world eh? (* please note the Canadian influence- can't avoid it, I am becoming one of them!! eep!!)

So work has been INSANE. Our role has changed and I have a new territory which is in the EST. Which means I now have to work 7- 4 and might have to go to 6-3 if we don't hit our number. Now those of you who know me know how much I am NOT a morning person so getting up at O'dark o'clock is NOT my idea of an ideal schedule. And yes I get to leave "earlier" in the day but considering I am wiped out by 4pm and go to bed at 9pm now It's still not much of a gain. (Btw- remember when you saw your parents go to bed early and thinking how lame they were and how they couldn't hang? sorry mom and dad-I get it now!)

And to make things even better Chris had a schedule change at the same time and he is working 2-10pm and his "weekends" are Monday and Tuesday. He came over and stayed Tuesday (yay for sleepovers!) but I was done by 9pm and he didn't come to bed until 11pm. Oh yeah, we are a hot and wild couple.

So that sucks.....trying very hard to not bitch about it cuz its not gonna change any time soon but the level of suckiness is very frustrating to say the least.

And this schedule changes hit at the exact time I started back on the Cookie Diet so it really knocked my body out of its routine which is why I was vulnerable to getting sick. I had a really nasty stomach flu that started Friday, got serious on Sunday night (been a loooong time since I spent the night on the bathroom floor, ahhh college memories) and lasted Tuesday (tried to go to work, they took one look at me and sent me home- great, glad I look that good) and finally shook itself loose yesterday (I credit my boy making me a yummy dinner as the cure- and getting boytime of course).

Diet update you ask? Honestly I am not tracking the number so much as my goal is to get back to where I was in July but if I do add up the lbs it is 15 lbs so far. I still have about 25ish to go before I am back to where I was when I went off course and then once I hit that I have another 40 to go.

Getting back into the routine is pretty easy actually and they switched up the cookies so they taste better than I remember (bonus). I must admit it is still very hard to date and diet. Chris is so great and supportive and I don't want to limit where we go when we do go out (he shouldn't have to suffer) but even the smart choices are more than ideal. Finding those good choices is still a work in progress and the lifelong challenge I have to look forward to.

So yeah....that is really what has been up the last few weeks. I know some of you have noticed less Facebooking than was my norm and this is why. Stupid work getting in the way of FB updates. Geesh, the nerve!

Oh...in case anyone hasn't heard I AM coming home in June (weekend of the 12th) for my OG BFF Kim's wedding and VERY much hope to have a boy with me. There are just too many variables for him to commit right now but I will be there for sure and he is about 70% positive. I am looking forward to coming home during some nice weather. (Snow in April last year?? I'm looking at you!!) I will also be able to meet my Grand NEPHEW who is almost here. Miss Holli Ann is less than week away from being a mommy!! (sooner if she gets her way!) so that will be awesome.

Ok....that's the news for now. I'll get to something deep and thoughtful later but I thought I'd better post before Fran filed a missing Tracey report!

Later kiddies.....

Quickie

What better way to start off a morning that with a quickie? Blog I mean....geesh, you people!

So much is going on I just wanted to jot down a quick note to promise that details will be coming soon. Things at work are incredibly busy (which is great) so that is taking up a bunch of time. I will catch up soon so hang in there until I do...

So my weekend of giving back and volunteering for Rapport was amazing (as Rapport experience always are). As I said I will go into more detail later but I wanted to share my biggest take-away. (I am sharing this with the permission of the person who said it) One of the students said that moving forward after this class he is going to "be more aware of the eternity of his "decisions."

I thought that was awesome and something none of us do enough of- really consider how whatever decisions we make cause ripples that reach out further than we can ever know.

Kinda gives me chills....

And my second update is I did indeed start the Cookie Diet Monday as planned. The cookies actually taste better then I remember and I am getting back into the groove. I am not working out this week (aside from my usual little walk-abouts on my lunch break) while my body adjusts to the diet BUT I have lost 4 lbs in the first 2 days. Last time I did the diet I was hitting about 20lbs a month. I am not hung up on the numbers I just want to keep at it until I hit my goal.

More details on all later I just wanted to get this quickie update out.

::::lights a cigarette::::

Ahhhh, was it good for you too?

The Polls are Closed

Thank you for playing and for your votes in "what should Tracey do next..." You gave me some great feedback (some private, some public) and I thank you ALL for your thoughts and words. I listened and took it all in....and then made up my own damn mind and did what I wanted just like I always do. hahaha...

Ok so the decision has been made.....I am going back on the Cookie Diet (which if you buy 4 weeks by 2/28 you can get $50 off with the coupon code Twitter50 btw...)

First off I am very excited and happy with this decision. It may not be the decision you would have made but that was true when I first did it (and lost 150lbs) and the bottom line is I got results and you can't argue with that. And yes it is a band-aid. It is NOT a long term solution and once I hit my goal weight I will have to come up with a plan that I can work to keep the results I gained and have a healthy long term maintenance based lifestyle.

I think it is just such a weight off (so to speak- har har) to just have made a decision and not just keep struggling to do something I clearly still don't know how to do so well. This will get me back on track, get me some results and give me time to get some education and figure out how to make this lifestyle change stick.

So where I am at now is the cookies are ordered and en route and I will start again on Monday. So needless to say this is kind of a g'bye tour for my sweet tooth for awhile. So glad I got in one more office cake day before getting back on the wagon...MMMMmmmm cake.

I am not at all worried about the cookie diet itself. I have done it before so there are no big worries there and in a lot of ways it will be a relief to going back to being hard core strict. Choices are hard and making the right choices are even harder. And our culture is NOT set up to be health friendly let me tell you.

My plan is to do it for 90-120 days then assess where I am. Last time I did it I averaged 20 lbs a month weight loss and I want to get to a goal weight of 160lbs (80lbs total).

We shall see how it goes...

Now....I put this to YOU. Wanna play along?

I will post my starting weight on Monday (March 1st) and update weekly. I will throw out the offer that if anyone else out there wants to play the home version with me you can post your goals and results in the comments section and we can do this together! I know posting things like your weight aren't fun but its the accountability part that really drives you- trust me.

And I don't care what your plan is- I have never and will never knock any one's choices. Be it surgery, exercise only, special diets.....all our bodies have such vastly different chemistry and results vary so much that if YOU find something that works then GO FOR IT...with my blessings and supports.

And for those who haven't heard yet I WILL be coming home (to Iowa) for Kim's wedding in June (12th) so I WILL be at my GOAL WEIGHT by then!!

Time to finish this damn thing....who is with me??!!

Not fixed yet....

Not in my most cuddly mood today. I am actually pretty freaking upset with the world in general. It sucks cuz earlier this week I was feeling pretty peaceful and calm. I was thinking things are in a good groove and it will be nice to coast all easy breezy for awhile.

But not feeling the love today...

I am just so mad at not being able to stay where I had got down to with my weight. I am so mad that even though I am trying (I know, powerless word) to get back into a routine and get back to healthier eating habits life seems to get in the way. And I know I don't have even a teeny portion of the challenges other people have so its making me think I have no other options than to go back to the cookie diet.

I am just so disappointed in myself that the pants I had thrown in a bag bound for Goodwill are now back in my rotation because the pants I have are starting to get way too tight. I never wanted to go back up the scale and yet here I am.

I keep watching The Biggest Loser (really miss it with the Olympics on) and they preach getting to the emotion- figuring out what got you there to begin with...and for some reason I can't see it. I can see my lack of impulse control and the need to punish myself with food but I can't see why...and I guess until I do I will keep struggling.

In the meantime I really want to smash all the mirrors in my house. It just hurts to look.....

Kevin Smith- I feel ya man

Ok so it's pretty rare I have a real, relevant experience to something in the news but I do so here is my recap and tie in.

Most of you know Kevin Smith- if you don't know the man you know his movies. Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back....(leaving out Jersey Girl out of respect- not HIS fault). Well I follw him on Twitter and he is awesome and his tweets for national attention when he went off about his experience about getting kicked off a Southwest Airline flight for being "of Size" as their policy calls fat people.

Here is his rant on his website Smodcast (90 min podcast) and to be fair here is the Southwest reply . Here is the story on MSNBC.

And- what you are really interested in- this is my blog about the experience where I had a Southwest Airlines encounter.

Bottom line- it is a horrible, humiliating experience that calls you out for the thing you already hate and feel bad about.

I feel ya Kevin Smith- I feel ya.....

Update: It has really made me sad how people aren't seeing the forest for the trees with this whole situation. Or in this case- the person behind the weight issues.

For those who care here is Kevin's story and as it is similiar to my own. I believe him. There is no reason to go on an on about an issues like this UNLESS it is the one thing you can do to save the dignity that was already stripped of you.

Just makes me sad man, it really does.....

Crossroads

What to do...what to do.....

I am kinda at a crossroads and need to make a pretty big decision. As I have admitted I have fallen off the wagon a bit and need to re-start my program. I have been doing good with my exercise program. I have the Biggest Loser's Boot Camp and Power Yoga ($9 at Wal-Mart) plus the eliptical and my yoga class.

So right now here is my schedule with one day of rest in there (which varies depending on what night Chris is available so we can have a date night):

Boot Camp, Cardio, rest day, Boot Camp, Power Yoga, Boot Camp, Yoga Class (sat am)

So far so good... with that. I am at level 2 with the Boot Camp video- can't say I make it all the way through Level 2 (fricking pushups with a medicine ball) BUT I am getting there...

Now the big question.

I am strongly considering going back to the Cookie Diet.

Now a little recap for you all...the diet I started was called Smart for Life which was a partnership between these weight loss clinics (Smart for Life) and Dr. Siegel's cookie diet. That is where I lost the bulk of my weight. Now there was a lawsuit and the partnership ended (badly) and the clinic I was going to switched products (cookies) which made me very sick so that is when I quit the program and went solo.

So why am I considering going back to eating 6 little (not so much like cookies) cookies everyday?

Well in a word- results. I really want to hit my goal of 175 (ok, its really 160) and doing the diet for 3 months might get me there quickly (or at least a big jump start) BUT it is $60 a week for cookies so we are talking $720 for 90 days. Is loosing 60lbs worth that?

Maybe....

The other consideration is learning the right way to do it. After my gain I am worried I didn't really learn new habits (or didn't learn good enough) so when I come back off my weight will balloon up- again.

I do NOT want to start a yo-yo pattern so is it better to do it slower this time with the idea that the results will last longer?

It's a lot to think about....what are your thoughts? (comments always welcome)

My Guest Blog....

So I have talked about it for a little bit now (ok teased is more like it) but here is the link to my first ever guest blog. It is for the leadership training I went through and if you have been reading along at all you know I mention this training quite a bit. It is very literally the best thing that I ever did and gave me the tools that helped me change my life.

It's odd timing to be rethinking anf reliving that experience now when I am on the brink of breaking through another wall.

The conclusion to the story in the guest blog is- I failed again. I stopped living the lessons I learned and gained back 40 pounds of what I have lost. So now I stand before you (and mostly myself) and I am looking in the mirror and asking myself....what choices are you going to make today?

It only clicked last week that I have falledn back into some self destructive patterns. I have been punishing myself and sabatoging myself for not living up to a standard I had set for myself. I am not able to forgive myself for some of the choices I have made in the past.

I am working on it....I need to find a way to forgive myself. I need another moment like I had a Rapport to remind me how powerful I can be. Hopefully I can find it somewhere within myself.

So I come back to you all, on bended knees with my heart laid out before you and once again ask to be filled up with your love and energy and support. Help me on my journey cuz it's not over yet and I am not done fighting.

I need you, I need your help.

I am not alone.....

Not my Strong Suit

Ok I am going a little stir crazy- the good news is I have been (sorta kinda) promoted at my job from a contractor to full time. Yay (applause, applause)!! The bad news is that means all my authorizations to actually do my job needed to be redone and now I am going on day 8 of having no access to any systems.

:::deep sigh:::

Today my biggest accomplishment was to hit 80 followers on Twitter and to hit up Tyra Banks for some free swag (she offered).

Sad.....

In other news and blogging related news at that- I am on the verge of having my first guest blog posted and published. I think it will be posted Feb 4th but I will double check that. It is for Rapport Leadership International which as you faithful readers will know is the leadership training I went to that my former company sent me to. I am VERY excited and as a follow up to my blog I will be featured on one of their weekly Achiever's calls. Pretty cool stuff.

I also threw my hat in the ring for another guest spot (thanks Fran) and that will be announced in a few weeks. That is a little less likely to happen but you never know.

Sooooo dear readers, I will ask you to keep your eyes peeled and if you see any blogs out there (or other outlets) that might be interested in my story I'd love to know about it. Our collective eyes are better than just mine.

So what else is news? Not much really.....things are calm in job land for me. A first in a long long time and I am happy about that. Really the rest of my world and attention is being focused on my boy.

We just hit our 8 monthaversary and have so many plans for the next 8....we just need some good stuff for him to start happening. There is a series of dominoes that will topple once he gets secure but waiting and watching this first one wobble but not sink is KILLING ME. The words faith and patience have been thrown around so much I have bruises from getting hit in the head with them so many times.

Neither is my strong suit and yet there is nothing I can do here but wait.....bleech.

So that I guess is the theme of the month- patience. Letting things happen and unfold without me doing a damn thing. Grrrrrrr, how I hate that.

Until then....I am going shopping to see what else (other suit) might fit me better ;)

Un-Met Needs

So let me start by saying what a horrible girlfriend I am. Lord knows I never got the practice I should have got when I should have been getting it so poor Chris is stuck with what he has- a hot mess of a girlfriend (some of the time).

The short version of the story is that it is Chris's turn to have all kinds of crazy life stuff happening and while I should be stepping up and being strong for him instead I chose to fall apart and make life worse. In my (weak) defense it is something that has been slowly building up over time- not just one random occurrence that caused me to fall apart. But...fall apart I did and I shouldn't have. It was wrong and unfair and as much as I couldn't help it I am very very sorry that is happened the way that it did.

Now lucky for me I have a boy who can not only deal with and accept my craziness but he even leaps tall building in a single bound to make sure I have what I need from him- even when he doesn't have enough of him to go around. ***I will study this trick and do my best to perfect it. If I could bottle it I could solve the world's problems!

We had a long talk yesterday and with all the worlds events: Haiti, vets coming home and not finding jobs, the economy. It is easy to see that we have it pretty good. We can (mostly) pay our bills (kinda close-ish) on time and we both have jobs (hopefully he will soon have a better one) and we have each other. And I agree and I am utterly, totally and eternally grateful for all of that.....and yet, why was I so frustrated? Why so needy?

Maslow has a lovely chart of needs and how if one isn't met you can't move on to the rest and he said stuff a long time ago that people still listen to so he must be right. My question to myself is.....is it ok to want more when other people have so much less? And I think the answer is- yes.

I don't think I will ever be totally satisfied with life (sorry baby- consider this your warning) because I see more and I want more- all the time. Not just for me- although the lesson I learned very well over the last few years is to make sure your own safety is secure before you try to save anyone else. But yeah, I do want to help other people and the stronger I am (we are) the better I will be able to do that. I am driven by the "....but why??!!" question.

Yeah, sometimes (more than I would like) it comes from a whiny and selfish place but sometimes it is what helps me power through some pretty tough obstacles. The why question is a good one cuz every once in a while there is no answer (objection) and the green light is given and the whole world opens a brand new door that was sealed shut before.

And your needs are -your needs- and sometimes other things are more pressing and important but it doesn't make your needs any less important. They are and if they truly are real needs they absolutely need met for you to function. The un-met need is like pulling the batteries out of the energizer bunny. It just can't function.

I will in no way compare the need I was feeling to not having food or shelter or water but it was important to me and I am so lucky and yes- so very grateful to my love for meeting my needs.

Tips

Found some good tips I thought I would share real quick.... 5 Weight Loss Tips.

They are all pretty good- especially the one about drinking water. The more water I drink the better I feel.

Do you have any tips/recommends? What's working for you??

Say Ahhhhhhhhhh

So killing some time before I head off to the doctor. Yes its the girly doctor visit- the one all us chicks look forward too so so much. But like so much in life its one of those things that have to be done.

I had a mammogram done a year ago as a baseline before I hit 40 which I am very glad I did now that insurance may not cover it. I have many friends who have lost someone to breast cancer and I want to keep my ta-ta's healthy. They aren't much but they are mine! (Unlike the other 95% of my family I was not gifted in the breastular region- double D's as far as the eye can see but no where near me).

So this is also part of the re-newed health plan and making sure I am not dropping the ball on anything that is within my control. I went to the dentist for a (late) cleaning and I guess half my teeth are on the verge of developing cavities which really pissed me off because for the most part I gave up soda which I thought was the big culprit. Alas, my choppers still aren't great so I have (for the first time ever) been diligent about flossing every night and I have used a mouthwash rinse- recommended by my dentist in some shady under the table deal with the mouthwash people I am sure.

Next on the list is to get my blood check for my thyroid issue and see how that is- and also get my cholesterol checked. That was pretty good last year so we will see what a few months being "off the wagon" did to me.

I also have to get new lymphodema gear. The compression stockings I have to wear are shot. They aren't so much compression stockings anymore as just knee socks. And my bandages are all stretched out and losing their squeeze-y ness. That is one issue I do NOT want to come back. That was probably the hardest part of getting my health rolling in the right direction was getting that under control. I still can't believe I waited so long to get it treated. By the time I did my entire leg was basically one open, oozing sore.I am tempted to get the pictures from the doctor but I don't know if I could stand to look at them- it was that gross.

I also need to get my ass back to yoga class. I have been low on funds so I haven't been able to get a new package but I need it so much. Life just gets a bit easier when you take that time to treat yourself and do the stretches and meditate- even if your meditation is just sitting quietly. It all helps.

So yeah, operation "get mind, body, spirit in check" is well underway. What are YOU doing to get healthy?

For my love

So I asked what your fave Tracey moment was and Chris answered (in the comments section- woot!) the Trapper Keeper one....I must admit that I didn't recall what that meant either so I went back and re-read it and then kept reading. It is so nice to have that reminder of how it felt when we first met. Recalling those butterflies (which I still get) and that woozy feeling he gave me (and still does).

I have not written as much about him probably because he is becoming a fixture, something that is always there and I fear that is just a hop away from taking him for granted which I vow to never do. I think I tell him enough but reading those entries reminded me how nice it is to go back and recall exactly when and how strongly I felt so let me say it again for him and for me to remember later (and the rest of you can read along).

Chris-

I love you so much. You are the love of my life and my soul mate and all those other schmoopy things that we say (but not enough). Life has reared its (sometimes) ugly head and thrown us some challenges and distractions but that can't be an excuse to not honor each other and celebrate US everyday. I am so grateful to you for everything you bring to my life and I love you more today than I ever have. You still make me giddy and I swoon when you say sweet things to me. You bring me such peace and I can only say thank you even though no words seem strong enough to let you know how I feel.

I will always be here for you. I will be your rock when you need someone to lean on and I will listen and be your best friend- as you are mine.

You will never have to be alone again because my heart is now and will always be with you- forever.

I can't wait to spend our lives together and I am so so so glad I found you.

You are my love and I am your girl.....always.

I love you baby.

Tracey Luann xoxoxo

Looking Back Looking Ahead

Wow- so I was just looking at the number of blogs I posted last year- 121. I can't decide if that feels like a lot or not very many. And 79 from the year before. This is going into my third year of blogging? We have come a long way together haven't we my friends? I know what's happened in my life (and so do you....if you'd like to refresh your memory visit the archives and I will wait here for ya) but I wonder what has changed in your life? I have gotten a few emails here and there over my blogging life thanking me for sharing and just letting me know someone out there is listening.

When I write its "dear diary" time. I usually have a subject in mind but once I pull up a clean blog I just let my thoughts fly. What you see here is first draft stuff all the way baby. I never go back and edit and only do a quick spell check (that may explain alot right there eh?). I have said it before- this is my cheap counseling. If my blog was a place it would be a farm or a ranch (que the Iowa girl jokes) but these thoughts are like wild animals that once I let them loose they quiet down and are free to roam quietly. So this is a selfish place for me when I sit down to write but it helps to know that I am giving something too. Some of you have let me know that they have taken away some good stuff from what I have shared and for that I am so grateful. I really am. Knowing that I have caused even the smallest ripple in the universe is very satisfying and humbling all at the same time.

I'd still like to know what your favorite "Tracey moment" is (since we are all itching to use the comments section now right??). Post them below or let me know and I can do a top ten recap.

I know the one where I talk about looking in the mirror is my cousin Amy's favorite- what's yours?

So I'll bet you are all wondering how the Holidays went for me? (sigh) Mixed bag I am afraid. Holidays are always gonna be rough and anyone who has lost anyone around the Holidays can tell you its just a double whammy (thinking of you Rachel! many loving thoughts are with you). So they just aren't gonna be great. I can say there were some lovely moments and that is what I am gonna try like hell to hold on to.

There is so much going on- I know, when isn't there? It's all good stuff and is going to bring BIG GOOD change but this is that pitch black part of the tunnel- the one you get to riiiiight before you turn a corner and see a golden beacon of light (which you pray like a mo fo is NOT a train??!)

I can confirm that there is going to be great relationship based news in the near future- several steps will be taken this year however then when kinda depends on the above tunnel situation. Chris and I are going on 8 months of our relationship and we have already been through so so so much. I can say that I love him more everyday and I am so proud of the man he is. I see him as my partner, my future husband, the father of my children. He is amazing and its is mind blowing as we continue our path together we have more and more in common. We share some pretty amazing traits and have had similar things happen in our past that make for some interesting situations. Not all of them good but they all made us who we are.

I wish I could say life is perfect. That I found my Prince after my long sad battle (with my own demons) and now he is going to whisk me off and then next time you hear from me it will be on a postcard from "Happily Ever After" town. Yeah.....not so much. I wish Chris was perfect, I wish I was. I wish I hadn't gained the pounds I lost. I wish I had more money. I wish we had more time. I wish I could fix things that are well beyond my reach. But it isn't and I can't and it still can suck- a lot.

Life is just a big ball of suck sometimes. BUT.....I do have love. And I have knowledge. I know what I can do and I WILL do it.

Pity party over, time to saddle up and (save a horse) and ride (a cowboy) into the future.

Tally Ho!!

2010- A year of changes

So my lovelies....the first blog of the new year. It's going be just a quickie but with a big request. Your participation. I am not sure why I have never had a "must leave a comment" kinda audience and I want you to know I LOVE comments. I'd love to hear your thoughts/opinions/questions/suggestions. In other words, once again I am turning to my tribe for HELP.



I also have BIG MAJOR plans for this blog soonish so I am also calling on everyone who reads this to TELL A FRIEND. Please pass on the link to anyone who you think might be interested/inspired by my story. I know its an odd thing blogging. You have to be narcissistic enough to write about yourself but then you are so insecure you feel like no one actually cares. So show me you care about me and each other. Make the comments section your new home and get to know each other. I promise everyone reading this has a story that would break your heart and I want to give you a gentle place where you heart can heal and get stronger.



Ok....so that's the housekeeping business. You all with me?? Good!



Now me- like I said this is the short version so the update for today is HEALTH. Yes I am back on the bandwagon after gaining 30 lost pounds back. Somehow they found their way home. Drat it all. So I am once again counting calories and getting back to exercising. I am looking for more diverse tools for this round and I thought you might like it if I shared? Yes? No? Let me know....y'anno, in the COMMENTS section? New habits take time to build....start by leaving a comment today just to see how it feels.



Ok so the TOOLS....and please feel free to suggest some. I am sure we would all love some tips. I found this website (thx Amy) the Hungry Girl website is awesome! All kinds of good info and I can't wait to try her omelet in a mug! I have also stocked up on fitness dvd's I got the Biggest Loser's Power Yoga (level one kicked my ass and I have been doing yoga for a year!) and the Boot Camp (tonight's adventure- stay tuned for my review).

Other than that I turn to you guys to give me some tips. Help!! My goal is to get to 175 and see how that looks then hopefully take it down to 160.

So that's the news for now. Look for some FUN announcements in the near future to break up all that drama that seems to keep finding me.

:)