Damn you Taylor Swift! Your song has been overplayed on the radio so much that it may now be stuck in my head on an endless loop and I can't get it out of my brain. Lucky for you it happens to mash up well with my life right now so I guess its not sooooo bad.
Yeah, its bad folks. So bad that here it is almost 11pm on a "school" night and I got myself out of my nice comfy bed to come here to post about how much I love my boy. I know, I am totally making MYSELF sick with all the ewwy gooey mushy stuff. It's a bit over the top and I wish someone would please just shut that Tracey chick up....for real! I mean how much more can I say it? And frankly I am only blogging here cuz the poor boy needs to get some sleep and not entertain his poor girlfriend who just wants to have long conversations about how much in love we are and why exactly does he love me? Enquiring minds wanna know! Ya know??
And before I make myself look too pathetic I am not exactly alone in these conversations. I won't speak for Chris but let's just say I have a willing hostage.
I do feel a bit guilty not highlighting this part of my life a bit more. I know I have talked about Chris these past few weeks but it has been with a clingy, desperate, life raft kinda energy and that is not what our relationship is about and not how it deserves to be showcased.
Let me step back for a second......
I have a dear friend who was a bit of a slacker back in the D. Let's just call him DJ, (mainly cuz that's his name). Now DJ had some toxic relationships during the time that I knew him and then we fell out of touch for a bit. When I caught back up to him I was shocked to learn that he was engaged! I asked him how he managed to lock one down and in his oh-so easy going manner he shook his head and smiled at me and told me words that have never left me since the day he uttered them to me....he said, "Tracey, I just never knew it could be so easy... Loving her is the easiest thing I have ever done." I have been searching for that kind of love ever since that day. I have told that story a million times and always with a pang because I really didn't know if it would ever happen for me.
I have spent so much of my life hiding in plain site. Being so overweight is hard to explain. It's hard to help someone understand how something (someone) so big can just disappear right in front of you. I have spent so much of my life near the action but on the fringe of life, being there but not participating. Close to the spotlight but never dead center. People would tend to see right past me even when I was standing right there. For my friends I was the witty wingman, ready to charm, flirt and help sort all the potentials but never did the boys see or -god forbid- want me.
Chris sees me and it may be for the first time in my life I am seeing me and letting myself be seen. My brilliant boy hit upon something last week and I have been mulling it over ever since.
He called me out as being shy.
At first I got defensive but the more I think about it the more I think he is right. I am shy because I have never really been out before. I have lost my protection, my "mask" that I used to hide in plain sight and to protect myself. And now, for the most part, that is gone and people are really seeing me and looking at me for the first time. I am getting random men calling me beautiful for the first time. I am getting all this attention for my accomplishments and as much as I am seeking it out to a degree I am also very uncomfortable with it. I am just not used to being so open. Ok.....what the hell am I doing blogging right? Isn't this being pretty open?? Yes, but I control this you see. You only see what I show you. However if we are in a room together then I can't hide and that's when I feel like pulling back. Chris was right and now he is being that gentle yet firm hand at the small of my back supporting me and making sure I don't run away just cuz I am a bit nervous from all this attention.
It's a pretty amazing thing to have someone you love really see you like that.
I want to talk about how pure and raw and wonderful it is to be in love and be in this first part of our relationship because I do know with all my heart that this is forever and he is my THE ONE and someday years and years from now we might not spend hours lying in bed staring at each other and telling each other in the greatest of detail how much we love each other - although I hope we will. And we might not send silly texts to each other all day just so the other knows we are thinking of them. And someday the future might not seem as bright and shiny and wide open as it feels now.
I want to archive this feeling and capture the endless love and passion I have for Chris and our future now so I can always look back and remind myself of how very luck I am to have found someone who made it so damn easy to be in love......