Saturday, August 30, 2008

Dream a birthday dream- For Troy

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Dream a birthday dream- For Troy

Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

I was born on July 10th 1970. Troy was about to turn 5 years old but because of complications with my birth our mother had to stay in the hospital for a few extra days. Instead of getting a 5th birthday party Troy got a brand new baby sister (not his first choice I assure you) and ever after our birthdays have been linked.

Growing up we always would have the "combo" birthday party on the Sunday closest to our birthdays, we would have the shared party and share the cake. There was one spectacular year where we each got our own cake in the shape of a teddy bear. It is legendary in my little girl mind and I still treasure the picture of the 2 of us holding our very own cakes- mine was way cooler of course. It was such a big deal I still think about it this time every year.

It is no wonder then that I was dreading this weekend. I will admit that I was expecting my own birthday to be difficult but, as it turns out, it was very nice. I heard from –almost- every member of my family and had a very nice dinner with some of my closest friends who understood I didn't want a big thing, just a casual evening- which is exactly what we had. I also got one very touching gift, my new coworker Anna went out and got me a Willow figurine that was titled "big brother, little sister". It has the brother sitting on the ground and the little sister sitting on a box beside him, her head on his shoulder. It was so nice and special and I was very touched. It was this figure that I think was the catalyst for my dream…

In my dream it was night time and there was a lot of activity in "the house" (I have never seen this house before but in my dream I knew it was the family home). There were a ton of family running around as if preparing for a party or something but it wasn't people I knew (I just knew they were somehow my family). I went into what I knew was the tv room and Troy was there getting ready. He saw me and asked me to sit with him while he got ready. I sat and talked to him and as we talked he told me he decided that this was the day he was going to "do it" and I knew what he meant. I was so relieved because I thought this was my shot. This was my chance to change his mind and make it all not true. He started to put on a polyester light blue tie and I told him he can't pull that look off and he just laughed and said "hey, I clean up good!" but he took it off and put on his regular jeans and t-shirt. Then he sat down on the floor in front of me and I put my head on his shoulder and started to cry into his sleeve as I tried one last time to get him to change his mind. He held my hands and looked at me and said "…but Tracey, you know I already did it." I sat up and realized he was right and then he stood up and helped me up, gave me a hug and walked out of the room and I knew that was the last moment I'd ever have with him…

What do you do when your heart won't let go? I will always have this bond with my brother and I will always have him with me on my birthday and his. This was always our link and bond and I am glad to have it be my own special time for he and I to share. Forever…I love you Troy. Happy Birthday.

Xoxo, your little sis

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