Thursday, June 11, 2009

Warning: May Cause Side Effects

New relationships are I am finally at long long last being reminded of.....there is tons of chemistry sizzling the air all around you. I swear I can feel Chris as soon as his car hits my condo gate by just the way the hairs on my arm stand on end in anticipation. The sweetness of those new kisses as you are still getting used to a new set of lips to taste. The way each touch is new and exciting and unexpected. Everything is a surprise and you can't wait to see what comes next...


They need to slap a warning label on new relationships...



So amongst all the wonderful get to know ya things that happen in the beginning of a relationship (the poor guy already sat through a viewing of my photo albums- nominations for Sainthood are being submitted) there is also the sharing of the bad stuff. Because as well all know the bad stuff sometimes is a bigger part of us than the sum total of all the good.

Last night Chris and I had a lovely evening....dinner at one of my fave restaurants, spectacular conversation (always a given) and then relaxing at my house. I wanted to explain a bit more about my blog....specifically why I call it Laughing Stars so I showed him the archived entry which started this whole thing. The entry was the goodbye letter I wrote to Troy.

As you may recall (or want to re-read) I quote the passage from the Little Prince at the end as a way of summing up my emotions about losing my brother:

"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"

I love this quote and it seemed the perfect title for my blog- and my life. I also showed him the blog about Troy's "Last Call" (which is archived in the Jan 09 batch).

He read them and of course was touched and wonderfully supportive but what I hadn't counted on was my reaction. Just reading that and reliving it through someone else's eyes just took me right back there. Standing on the steps of the church before the funeral, hugging my dad for the first time when I got to the hotel, my decision whether or not to view his body. I was there again and it hurt all over again. It seems that wound has not quite healed and if you flick at the edges it will still bleed.

It's important that he know and understand that about me- what that week did to me and how it started all this but it doesn't make it any less painful to talk about or share. Obviously I knew it would come up and we would get into it. I certainly want him to know and really understand the whole experience, including getting to know my brother. I want him to feel like he does know Troy since he will always be a part (a huge part) of my life.

I think it might be a bit more intense now as I am so close to coming home and one of my plans for the trip home is to visit Troy's grave for the first time. I was there for the burial but this will be the first time I see it with the headstone set. That was done on his birthday last year and I could not make it back for that too. So I guess I am already kinda wandering to "that place" mentally. I was also informed that we will be burying my Grandmother's ashes when I go home so once again my trip home will be more about the death in my family than a celebration which was -my- plan (see what happens when I try to plan things? I swear I don't make this shit up).

So yeah.....things are really good with Chris. I am feeling comfortable (kinda) and relaxing (sorta) and I see good things ahead for us (woo-hoo!!) but really......these side effects are a bitch!!

1 comment:

Chris George said...

Very well put, Tracey.