Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Bored bored bored......I am fricking bored. My house is clean, dishes done. I will be working out with Michael tonight so I can't work out yet and I am fucking broke so that limits any outside activity.


Solitude always brings out the worst in me... time out here and there is great but leave me alone, adrift and bad things happen. Like right now I am cranky and pissy as hell. Couldn't tell you exactly why. I am seeing (3 times now- new world record!!) a great guy who doesn't seem ready to bolt on me at a given moment. (The GPS tracker I slipped into his shoes when he came over last night should help should that change.) He is really into me personally and even wants to partner with me professionally- which I always hoped for in a "potential" someone....he is even playing along with the blog here (reading and commenting) and I really really like kissing him a bunch.

I am going back to my old job....downside is the money sucks (but its more than nothing) and I will pretty much be working alone BUT its got a ton of freedom for me to do what I do. Its the next best thing to working for myself which I hope is in the not too distant future.

I had my best blogging month ever- and you guys seem to be enjoying it. (yes? no?) I had 800 views last month and I will soon have passed the number of entries I made in 09 over all of 08! Guess I have a lot more to say this year....

So why am I this moody bitch today? No, I am asking....anyone got a clue?

Damn, me neither.

In regards to my current romantic situation I am so excited about seeing where this goes and what can happen. It has been so so long since I have met someone I could see any kind of future with-up to and including just the next date. It is thrilling to me to have Chris tell me about trips and plans he is thinking of for us in the near future (implying that he not only is going to be around but thinks about it when we aren't together?? wtf?? wow....). This could end up being a very busy summer in a very good way. But I gotta say I am scared.....I can't keep that little voice in the back of my head quite. The one that is sneering at me asking me what am I gonna do to fuck this one up? I have a long history of self sabatage and one would hope that eventually you get over it but what if you don't? All I can do is be really aware of what I say and do and watch those random impulses I get (tricky those things are cuz sometimes they are very good but sometimes.....bad, very very bad)

I guess I really hope I will get some help in the not fucking it up part. I hope Chris will be the kind of guy who can call bullshit on me when he sees me going in a bad direction. Of course he is gonna have to get to know me better to get a good baseline of what is "acceptable" craziness by Tracey standards. He was talking about how he can see how close I am to realizing my full potential and he has a knack for bringing that out in people. I hope that is true and I hope that I can give him something he needs as well. I want to be there for him as much as he is talking about being there for me.....it'd be nice to get there together.

Arrrghhhh. I need to just chill out and find a project to get into. I will be going back to work Thursday.....was Monday, then Friday now Thursday...I am sure by the end of the day it will be come in tomorrow. So I should just fucking chill out right? Enjoy the break, bask in the new relationship and great sex.....right??

Ok, I'll try.....but no promises.

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