Sunday, June 14, 2009

In Case you Missed it

Membership has its privileges and if you are a fan of mine on Facebook you already know this but to catch the rest of the world (my corner of it anyways).... I FINALLY after weeks of hovering right above the line dropped under the 200 pound mark for the first time in at least 2 decades!! As of last Friday I weigh 197.6 lbs!!

It is a huge milestone and I was determined to hit it before I came home for my birthday. I'd love love love to be under 190 now before the party but we will have to see....For now I will do my best to keep my promise to myself to celebrate the milestone victories. It's just not everyday that someone can tell you they have lost 220 lbs. I will resist the urge to look ahead and mention that I still have at least 40 pounds more to go (not to mention plastic surgery). Yes, I will totally resist that urge and just bask and take in the moment.

I took a picture of the scale not just to be cute (cuz, well I am just am cute dammit) but because I have focused and visualized that amount (at least the part where the first number is a 1) for sooooooo long. It is always hardest to push through those milestones. I remember how hard it was to get under the 300 pound mark. Ugh, crazy to think how recent that was.

So what is different? After 220 pounds how is my life different? This is a tricky question to answer actually because I want to hold true to the multiple rants I have fired off here in the past and do my best to not disparage or put down myself from a year ago, or hell at any point up until now. Was I broken? Of course....Was I making bad choices? Yes. Were the bad decisions I was making any more or less destructive than decisions other people make to ruin their lives? Nope but the difference is I was literally wearing my bad decisions for the whole world to see and judge....and still have the shell I have to cart around. My souvenir, my albatross.

Life is different doubt about it. My eating habits are 1000% better but don't think for a second I have risen above temptation. God the list of food I would chew off my right arm for is vast. It's bizarre to think its been over a year since I have had any fast food of any kind. Just yesterday I gave in to one to many "treats" and my body revolted almost right away (bleech). Which I guess is a good thing. I limit what I have so much that when I get to much of a good thing my body sends out the crossing guard and says do NOT pass! I will always struggle with finding those good for me things as opposed to the good things. Looking forward to AG (after goal) I hope to be able to sprinkle in those treats now and then and relax about it.

My physical life is obviously the most dramatic change. I keep getting reminded of little moments- moments where I would walk 2 blocks out of my way rather than try to tackle a staircase. Damn those stairs!! Or even sitting in a booth at a restaurant knowing I can't squeeze into it. Or checking the chairs I was going to be sitting in an hoping there were no arms so I wasn't wedged in. I could go on and have those moments gone is bizarre. To be able to do all those things effortlessly is amazing. Simple but huge for me.

Not even to mention the whole physical exercise routine. Yoga, weight training and cardio. Exercising so regularly that I had to be forced to add a day off into my schedule??!! A year ago that was so impossible. My first attempts at any exercise was just walking around my condo courtyard because I was terrified of going into the gym at my condo. Now- I am in there everyday pretty much without fail. I even pushed back my date with Chris because I didn't want to miss yoga if I didn't have to?? Exercise over a boy?? A cute boy at that!! Crazy....batshit crazy.

I have come such a long way. I have been getting to know myself on a whole new level. When I started this some of my family members expressed concern that I would be a different person after going through this. Have I changed? Of course....and I knew I would. Any journey you take changes you so it would have been insane to think I wouldn't change but what I promised myself and I believe I have held true to is I have not changed the fundamental person that I was and still am. I am still ME just a different version of me....its even up for debate if this is a better or worse version of me but I am a work in progress and always will be.

Ok....20 pounds times 2 to go!!!

1 comment:

jh said...

Such a thoughtful post. I feel so happy for you, especially in that you are being so aware and understanding about the changes in your life. Thanks for the inspiration.

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