Monday, June 1, 2009

The Halloween Story

(continuing with the college years.....)

So Wendy was a hideous monster of a person and living with her was like walking through a mine field. You just never knew when this chick would blow up. Janet was/is a very cute petite girl and Wendy decided she was going to get down to her size so she went on a laxative diet and dropped a bunch of weight. What that meant was poor Janet's closet became fair game for Wendy. Asking not necessary....although if she had asked the answer would have been yes not the taking thing, not so cool. Not even my closet was immune though. I remember sitting down and noticing Wendy was wearing a familiar garment of clothing. I went to see if I could find my item of clothing that looked exactly like the one she was wearing and -shocker- it was not there! I came back in the living room and sat down and must have had a quizzical look on my face cuz she asked me what was wrong. I told her I couldn't find my white sports bra and she said mean this one as she grabbed her ample chest (stretched it out thank you very much). Ummm yeah- that one. I nodded and she got up and gave me a look like I was the stupidest bitch to ever fall off the apple cart.

She worked as a aid in a nursing home (I can only imagine how delightful she was with her patients) and I remember we had to be very careful to make sure whatever movie we were watching when she got home (we would watch movies allllll the time waiting for her then we would go out to the bars) and if it was the wrong movie (and there was no telling what "wrong" was on any given night) she would fly into a rage or pout or whatever random extreme emotion bubbled to the surface.

Ahhhhh good times.....

Eventually her man crazy ways were successful and she succeed in trapping a poor guy named Brad into being her love monkey. To this day I don't understand what a guy as nice as he was saw in her but she got her hooks in good and eventually moved in with him. Last I heard they moved to FL and god help us all but I think she procreated.....I can only hope the kid takes after its dad!

To say Janet and I were relived is such an understatement. We danced around singing "ding dong the witch is dead" and I swear the whole place seemed lighter and brighter the second she left. It was as if even the sun beams feared to come in with her around. And don't think I am kidding about the singing and dancing.....literally we had a "wendy is gone" happy dance. It was great.

With her gone this began a stream of random roommates- usually recruited by me.

I was drinking an awful lot at the time so I can't recall exactly the order.....I might need to confer with Janet to help place them all but they all made up what we called the "special guest role" in our wacky little sitcom.

Again, not sure of the true order but let's start with John.

Oh John......what can I say about him.

He was a total country bumpkin. From small town Iowa USA. He was from a town so small they came to my hometown (which is small by most standards) and called it "coming into town". I met him while I was going to community college (which I paid for entirely on tips from Pizza Hut thank you very much) and he was a total and utter dork. He was the male equivalent to a dumb blond and was just goofy in a harmless puppy dog kinda way. I have great affection for the freaks of the world and although his antics were annoying as hell he was a dear. Oh and he was gay....he was soooooo gay he practically had flames shooting from his finger tips and yet he claimed to be straight as a board. He often spoke of the one sexual experience he ever had.....a poor lass we dubbed "Katie the wonderfuck" because she was obviously sooooo good he never had to go back to the well again. He would tell the story of their "special moment"often (toooo often) and he talked about how he could just go and go and go (ummm, perhaps because pumping a chick wasn't what was gonna do it for you? just a guess....) is a short list of some of John's little adventures:

he accidentally shut our cat in the fridge for god know how long....all I know is I came home to a cat-sicle (she was fine, frosted whiskers but fine)

he never ever cleaned up his messes prompting Janet one in a fit of litter induced rage to take a pizza box he had left on the counter and drive it into his bedroom door with a butcher knife and a note warning him to pick his shit up or else !!

he took longer to get ready than we did (not gay?? puhleezzeeee)

he bumped into things, all the time like the guy could barely walk 10 feet without knocking something over

We did have some good times with him to be truthful....he was just so damn easy to mess with! You could tell him anything and he would totally believe it. It was a great game to come up with the most extreme things we could just to see how far we could go before we would lose him. The answer? Pretty damn far.....

During the week of Halloween we decided that we were going to watch scary movies every night of the week. Janet, John and I cuddled up on our couch and drove into the land of Freddy, Jason and Michael and all their buddies. The great things for me is Janet and John were both very jumpy and I was ruthless in my torture of them....poking and grabbing themas the scary music swelled making them jump out of their skins. I think one time John even peed a little.

So this went all week and one night I get home from work (the mall- retailsville, I was managing a video store at the time) and the whole house was dark and there were no cars. This was weird because we went as a group places and even if they took off someone's car would have still been there. And then I got to the stairs (which were their own horror show, the staircase was barely attached and completely dangerous- hey, we lived on the edge!) and the light was out.


Then I get to the door and there is a note tapped to the door saying that they had all gone out with my good friend Ms. Julie Wilkening. So great to have old friends blend with your new friends. So this is weird too because Janet would totally have called me to let me know the plan and she never would have left without me. Still, whatever....except when I walked in the door there were 3 versions of the same note on the table??

I walk in and the light in the living room is out but I walk right over to the fridge and grab a soda. Then I notice the cat didn't run out to see me. Hmmmm

:::bump, rustle, thud:::::

What's that?

I start to walk down the long hall from the living room to the bedrooms and see Janet's door is shut....which it never was but figured that was where the cat was so ok. Then I see a light in my bedroom.

I stop for a second.

Then the light swooshes around my room and the noises coming from it get louder.

What the hell?

.......and here is where it gets scary. I charge. Literally charge into my room to find a hooded figure crouched over my dresser going through my drawers. They had a flashlight and was digging away in my stuff.

Did I:

a. turn and running away?

b. faint in a huge pile of girly-ness?

c. go running in the room screaming like a banshee "get the fuck outta my house" and charge the figure with no weapon but my wrath?

the answer would be c.....and I gotta admit not the best of those options. You never know what you are gonna do in adrenaline charged situations and that is how I found out what my default setting was....

So I am screaming and going after this guy and as I lunge he stands up and....waitaminute....that's not a bad guy or Michael or even Jason come to kill's, it''s fucking JULIE!!!!!

She stood up and looked at me....a bit panicked I think at what I was about to do to her and flipped on the light.

At that moment my roomies Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum come bursting out of Janet's room hysterically laughing.


I was soooooooo pissed.

I was LIVID and they all knew it.

No one spoke to me, they just set about getting the car situation under control. Apparently they had all parked about a mile away at the QuickTrip (now Kum & Go- ugh). I later found out they had been playing this whole scene for days and days and got so freaked out planning it they were scaring themselves but they were determined to get me back for scaring them so much.

It was the one time they succeeded......well played friend. Well played.

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