Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I am never gonna be normal

All this work....all this effort. Hours on the treadmill and elliptical, hundreds of squats. Hours of stretching and posing on my yoga mat. Never cheating once in over a year on my diet.....

It's never gonna give me the perfect body.

I know this. And I know YOU know this. And I know that you know that I know this....none of which changes how much that sucks.

Ok, I don't even need perfect. I'll shoot for not embarrassing.

I went through my closet today and put aside some more clothes that I just can't wear but this time it wasn't just because they are too small. Now I need clothes that have camouflage power.

I want to be proud of all I have accomplished I really do but its hard to feel good swishing around in a skirt when I can literally see the skin on my legs ripple just from a glamour girl spin. I really wish I was exaggerating about that- I am not, even a little. And you can forget a cute little cap sleeve. I need at least elbow length to cover the arm flaps. At least my thighs are pretty well covered most of the time. I obsess enough about them (flabby with a bonus side of varicose veins- sweet) without having to worry who might be taking a peek at them besides me.

It's such a fucking long road. And I have accepted that life has consequences both good and bad for all decisions you make and the consequence of letting yourself hit 418 lbs is you have baggage. Hanging off all times. It is a 24/7 reminder of what I did to myself. My own flesh and blood albatross.

And how bizarre is it to dream about a day when you can cut off your own skin? God that sounds gross! And not the I literally think about having a chunk off (ewwww) anyone in my family of medical freaks (anyone else grow up talking about blood clots while eating tomato soup for dinner?) can tell you I am not sick and wrong like that. In other ways, sure but not like that.

And you know what? Even when/if (cuz it might not- thats just reality) that happens I still won't be perfect. I will then be Frankenstein with big scars all over me. That is the trade off and I still won't look perfect.

I might look a little better naked though.

Fuck, I just don't know what else to do but keep walking the path I have laid out for myself but its hard. Some days more than others but its always there in my mind. I am always thinking about it.

Have my efforts been worth it then?

Of course they have....absolutely and without a doubt. It was worth it and it will keep being worth it- each inch (and at this point all progress in measured in inches not miles)I move closer to my goal proves it was worth it.



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