Monday, June 29, 2009

I Passed the Test

So I need to go back to last week and give a bit more detail to a post I made on my fan page (what post? what fan page? hmmmm....please check the far right column for more info thankyouveerymuch)

What I posted was a kudos to myself for passing a big life test. I am going to tell my little tale and it involves 2 boys I care for very much but as much as it involves them it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with them...kinda. You'll see.....(and yes, they both know the other side of the story, duh not that silly of a girl).

So I have this wonderful friend. He has been a part of my life for over a decade now. He is smart, driven, powerful, articulate, incredibly sexy and basically everything I wanted in a guy. I deeply admire (nearly) everything about him (he does have some flaws- dammit) and he has been such a very special friend to me I can't even say or explain. He is just as big a fan of me by the way and our conversations are frequently a mutual admiration club meeting. I have gotten so much from his friendship over the years and because he has always lived in CA.....and I, did not. There was none of the pesky reality to get in the way of my fantasy of him. I have spent years thinking in the back of my mind that he was the one for me. I have put him on a pedestal and compared so many men in my life to him its pathetic, seriously pathetic. And when I wasn't with anyone (which has been the greater part of the last decade- sad but true) it was okay because I was getting emotional intimacy from him. Yet another reason why sex was so easy to give away- I didn't need those men for intimacy I had my friend.

Yeah, he was a wonderful excuse not to get serious about anyone and a great cover for why I was alone. I used him in a way I had no right to but I couldn't have cared less. I never really let myself go to the place where I truly fell in love with him but I have been on the brink for years and that was helped mightily when we met last year. Oh yeah...did I mention that all this time I had never actually been in the same room with him ever? Details....

So we met last year and our meeting totally met both our expectations.It was sizzling hot and we had soooo much fun. It was beyond great and my head was in the clouds over him for months afterwards. Now he is a very good friend and he continually does his best to steer me away from loveland. At the end of the day we both knew one thing was true- he could never ever give me what I needed. Do I love him? Yes, I do. Totally and unconditionally. He has been my friend and been there for me so many times I can't even count. He has earned my love and trust and respect a thousand times over....but he is never going to be a man I could be in love with.

Ok.....cut to fabulous boy in my life.

The one who shows up at my house and covers my face with kisses. The one who cooks for me and makes me lunches. The one who leaves cute comments for me and thinks about me even when I don't think he is.....the one who is real and here for me.

So, where does this test come in?

My friend called me last week and wanted to arrange a weekend together.

Now please remember that this really has nothing to do with either of these men....this is all about me.

He called and told me he was going to be in town and wanted to spend another fun filled weekend with me. This is my dream man. This is the man who I always suspected I would never be able to say no to. This is the man who I always knew would be my Achilles Heel and if I was ever to cheat it would be with him. And here he was...popping up from out of the blue promising me everything I ever wanted from him and god doesn't his timing SUCK???!!!
Expect he wasn't, he couldn't and never could or would.....all he was offering was sex and it suddenly wasn't the stuff of my fantasies but something that could threaten my reality. And for the first time in my life the fantasy wasn't worth it.

Now please feel free to give Chris all the credit in the world for being a great guy and being someone real in my life but it wasn't really about him.

I was ready to let my friend go. I was ready to release him from being my fantasy dream man. He was my magic feather who made me feel sexy and desirable when no one else thought I was sexy or wanted me. Over the last few months (yes, even before Chris came into my life) I have been unpacking some of my baggage. I have had a tendency over the years to collect ex's. I had a cell phone full of men, and by that I mean 2 or 3 (now mostly all married) who I could call and they would fall all over me to tell me how hot I was and how much they wanted long as their significant other was yelling at them or they were on a business trip. I was their 2 minute "safe" fantasy that they could hang up and not feel guilty -while I would hang up and feel even more alone. But that 2 minutes was worth it to feel that desire even for that long....or short depending on how you look at it. They were my surrogate boyfriends and I love them for what they gave me....but I have been slowing letting them go.

I have slowly set them adrift and have let them float off to where ever it is that they need to go. I just don't need them anymore.

Now again....this really has nothing to do with Chris. Yes, he is wonderful and real and I am so grateful to be building something wonderful with him but the truth is...I was ready for him. I was ready for the real man.

I was ready to let go of the fantasy and start living my life. These past few years have been more then just a diet my friends. I think I am finally growing up.

So my ultimate test.....the fantasy above all others that I feared I could never let go of....I did.
Now don't think I am so rock solid I didn't totally freak out and reconsider calling my friend back. A decade's worth of lust isn't so easy to let go of I don't care who you are! But then my boy came over and his hugs were real and his kisses were real and he took my hand and wiped my cheeks as I cried over sharing this story with him.

And that is all I really need......I passed the test.


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