Note to self......ex boyfriends will never never never give you the answers you are looking for so don't ever expect them to fix a relationship that has been dead for over a decade and a half. And as much pleasure it might seem to give you to torture them and grill them about what exactly was so fucked up about you that they didn't want you....you will still be left in the same place emotionally because there is no time machine to go back and fix things better left in the past and CSI'ing the remains will not help you navigate the waters of a brand new relationship because there is a whole new set of variables now.
Please, can someone be in charge of reminding me about that often? God knows my ex's would be ever so pleased.
So my task for the evening has failed utterly....that task being to really really try to figure out what my most high risk behaviors are that lead to me self sabatoging all good things that come into my life. Odd that my task failed as is seemed to work out so well for John Cusak in the movie High Fidelity (the book also rocks btw- Nick Hornby rules).
So here is my short list of Things to do to not fuck things up....
be super busy every moment of every day so you won't have time to be thinking (ie- dwelling) about stupid things (like...I wonder if he will just magically knock on my door just cuz I am thinking about him)
leave your phone turned off or in the other room so you do not look at it obsessively willing it to ring with the power of your mind
plan lots of things because the second you do he will want to make plans for the time and date that you just booked
do not express every thought that pops into your head and for damn sure do NOT blog about it
don't be yourself....be yourself lite, the kinder and gentler version of you
take your meds
go with the out of sight out of mind philosophy- if he isn't here he doesn't really exist
begin drinking....fuck the diet
talk to friends who are a much bigger hot mess than you are so you feel totally balanced and normal in comparrison
talk to ex bf's to figure out where it all went wrong ....what's wrong with you people?? that was a test! and no one even tried to stop me. You all suck!!!
spend money like you have it, fuck the fact you are making less money for the same job you did 2 months ago
spend free time watching YouPorn to study up for the next "at bat" you get
keep up with the "gardening" if you weed it, they will come....
oh....and this one is really really important
critical in fact....
you may want to write this down....
do NONE of the above because you are clearly on crack and just need to RELAX......grrrrrrrr
sometimes it is exhausting being me.....