Saturday, June 6, 2009

Sitting on the Sidelines

So this whole relationship/dating stuff never gets any easier does it? I mean....I feel like I have been out of the game for awhile, and the last time I played I had a whole different agenda. Less happily ever after and more search and destroy back then.

I have to start by saying how lucky I feel. I know how rare it is to run across someone you just feel glad to know. Period. In any context. And the fact that he is open enough to my life and situation to be cool with me including him in this blog is just awesome. Who does that? Who starts seeing someone and gives them permission to throw out the details of your relationship to the world (at least -my- world). The answer is he does and I am really grateful.

And not to worry, there are plenty of private details that are just between us :)

But this actually isn't about him, its about me.

Like how confusing for me to feel so content and relaxed while at the same moment being scared and flat out panicked. I have been thinking about it alot. Why do I have this urge to rush things. Why was I so fucking driven to go from first date to picking out china patterns in the first week? Why do I feel like I have to "close this deal" or he will disappear forever? Why can't I just relax and breath and let things grow and go where they are meant to go? Cuz I gotta tell ya, that ain't gonna happen if it is left in my hands.

I think it goes back to the same well as everything else. I can sugar coat it and dance around it and throw out some colorful analogies (I do love my analogies) but honestly I am mostly afraid that "he" (the universal he- not Chris specifically) is embarrassed by me. And I am afraid of that because I am still embarrassed about myself.

I have spent so long on the sidelines watching couples together. How they touch each other, how they hold hands, how they kiss, how they look at each other. I watch not from some weird voyeuristic place but from a place of profound, aching longing. I have wanted what they have for so long it physically hurts my heart. I would spend so much time denying that fact but the truth was always there and I couldn't escape it. Especially when it was right in line in front of me watching as she would slip her fingers into his back pocket and lean over to kiss his neck. And he reaches up to push her hair back behind her ear as he smiled this smile that just colored her all over with his love.

God I want that -and I want people to see that and know I am the person who is getting that kind of affection bestowed upon me.

But as I have watched scenes like that unfold a hundred times before me I have also wondered about the judgements people have. The whole what is HE doing with HER? He can do sooo much better than that. Gawd, if she can find someone anyone can! Has anyone ever thought that about me? Would they now if they saw me out with someone?

I think it would just be so cool to walk into a crowded room or a party on the arm of a guy who can't wait to show me off and is proud of me. I don't know that I have ever felt that. I have felt the opposite so many times though. Real or perceived I have just felt more often than not that when guy has taken me out he has been embarrassed. Maybe it was too many times sitting at the back tables. Or too many dates where we just stayed in and never went into public at all. Or maybe it was the being out but no touching once we were outside my bedroom. Which is another reason why I probably focused to much on sex. It was the one place I was certain to get touched.

I don't know how many kisses by a beautiful fountain it will take to make that feeling go away or how many adventure we have before I can relax and not feel like I have to milk every ounce of joy out of each moment because I am scared to death that it is going to be the last moment I have. That is actually my latest work in progress. To really focus on being in the moment and not be thinking 10 moves ahead including how to keep him from leaving cuz I just can't shake the fear that when he leaves I will never see or hear from him again...especially when we have not locked down plans for next time we get together. It's scary to let him go. Very scary.

The one thing scarier then never having love in my life is to have it and let it slip away. I just look forward to that moment where I just know. Where I know to the core of my soul that I am safe, and respected and loved and that "he" (the universal he) is proud of me.

In every way.... and I am proud of me too!

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