I had forgotten how easy yet so so difficult it can be. The highs and lows, the exploring and getting to know this new entity in your life. It's strange and exciting all at the same time.
This blog is first and foremost a tool I have been using to examine my own life. To put it into a business example this blog is me"whiteboarding" my own journey. I look for patterns (like that fact I can't seem to string more than a couple of good days together in a row without the ride hitting a few bumps) or places that might be a bit more than meets the eye (grab a shovel people, we are digging in right here).
The biggest journey I have taken in this space isn't the weight loss or living through the grief of losing my brother and most recently my grandma. And no....it isn't even my fabulously fucked up love life.
No....the biggest journey has been (and will continue to be) finding myself and .....(god help me for quoting a Whitney Houston song) learning to love myself. Yes Whitney, that IS indeed the greatest love. Hmmmmm, were you expecting me to be going another direction with this post? Sorry not there yet. Perhaps on the path and wandering in a general direction that may or may not lead there but no, too early to call that race kids. Stay tuned though?
Here is some good news- some of you may recall a blog I posted called "I'm looking at the man in the Mirror" (Aug 08 archives- worth a read or re read, go look. I can wait). It basically was a run down of the points I hated about myself as I looked in the mirror. Well lord knows I still have quite the list of things that I do not like about myself (another days blog) but I have to say the mirror has become a less hostile place these days which is pretty damn huge in my life.
I can breeze by the mirror and catch a glimpse of a person who isn't so bad.
Ok, not the strongest affirmation or validation in the world but if you have been following this particular bouncing ball for long you know that is leaps and bounds beyond where I started and pretty remarkable progress. It's not that I was ever a self hater (even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary) and in the past I would have argued that it wasn't a self confidence issue- but the more I think about these things the more I might have to go back and reassess. Why does it matter to go back and tear apart and CSI my past now?
As much as it seems the past doesn't matter- it does. The past is where all the data is to figure out the "why" of how my life got like it got and until I get a grasp on the "why" of where I got, I really have no hope of making those permanent changes that will mean this isn't just the top of the roller coaster hill that is the first in a series of loop-de-loo's but that this is almost the end of this ride and I can soon hop off it and go on to a bigger and much better ride!
It's the hardest thing I have ever had to try to do. I am not even close to there but I am trying. I wish it was easy as working out (wtf....did I just say working out is easy? damn...someone go back a year and tell -that- Tracey I said that and watch her tell you to fuck off!!). But if there was a way I could strengthen my self love muscle I would do it (and don't go to the dark side with that comment, yeah I mean you!! keep it clean, this is a family show). It's tough is all I am saying....its tough to really like and love yourself because let's face it, you know how damaged you are. You know how broken and battered and how many pieces you are in on the inside and god knows that crappy patch job you did will only last so long and what happens when it all falls apart. You know how many times you have hurt other people (whether you meant to or not) and how you have the capacity to hurt even more given time. You know the deep the darkness is and where all the bodies are buried and what the secrets are that you hope no one ever finds out about......
When you think of all those things it hard to find yourself lovable or worthy of love.
"The bad stuff is easier to believe.....you ever notice that?" Julia Roberts circa Pretty Woman
And there's there wonderful quote I have on my wall by Marianna Williamson (or Gandhi depending on who you care to believe, regardless....):
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I know I have done a lot of good stuff. Some might even call this blog one of the best things I have done as I have shared so much with so many and perhaps.....maybe....even inspired a few folks along the way and what in life is more important than helping people become more than they could be on their own? Most of us need a hand, that's all.....I can see greatness and beauty in everyone around me to a person. I see bright shiny wonderful souls all around me. Why then is it such a leap to believe that I might be one of them??
It's tough but maybe I can see just a glimmer of my own beauty and light. I couldn't inspire others if I didn't have beauty inside me right? Just as you all have inspired me by the beautiful and wonderful things you do to support me and the other people in your lives.
So maybe there is hope for me to fall head over heels in love.....with myself!