I Passed the Test

So I need to go back to last week and give a bit more detail to a post I made on my fan page (what post? what fan page? hmmmm....please check the far right column for more info thankyouveerymuch)

What I posted was a kudos to myself for passing a big life test. I am going to tell my little tale and it involves 2 boys I care for very much but as much as it involves them it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with them...kinda. You'll see.....(and yes, they both know the other side of the story, duh not that silly of a girl).

So I have this wonderful friend. He has been a part of my life for over a decade now. He is smart, driven, powerful, articulate, incredibly sexy and basically everything I wanted in a guy. I deeply admire (nearly) everything about him (he does have some flaws- dammit) and he has been such a very special friend to me I can't even say or explain. He is just as big a fan of me by the way and our conversations are frequently a mutual admiration club meeting. I have gotten so much from his friendship over the years and because he has always lived in CA.....and I, did not. There was none of the pesky reality to get in the way of my fantasy of him. I have spent years thinking in the back of my mind that he was the one for me. I have put him on a pedestal and compared so many men in my life to him its pathetic, seriously pathetic. And when I wasn't with anyone (which has been the greater part of the last decade- sad but true) it was okay because I was getting emotional intimacy from him. Yet another reason why sex was so easy to give away- I didn't need those men for intimacy I had my friend.

Yeah, he was a wonderful excuse not to get serious about anyone and a great cover for why I was alone. I used him in a way I had no right to but I couldn't have cared less. I never really let myself go to the place where I truly fell in love with him but I have been on the brink for years and that was helped mightily when we met last year. Oh yeah...did I mention that all this time I had never actually been in the same room with him ever? Details....

So we met last year and our meeting totally met both our expectations.It was sizzling hot and we had soooo much fun. It was beyond great and my head was in the clouds over him for months afterwards. Now he is a very good friend and he continually does his best to steer me away from loveland. At the end of the day we both knew one thing was true- he could never ever give me what I needed. Do I love him? Yes, I do. Totally and unconditionally. He has been my friend and been there for me so many times I can't even count. He has earned my love and trust and respect a thousand times over....but he is never going to be a man I could be in love with.

Ok.....cut to fabulous boy in my life.

The one who shows up at my house and covers my face with kisses. The one who cooks for me and makes me lunches. The one who leaves cute comments for me and thinks about me even when I don't think he is.....the one who is real and here for me.

So, where does this test come in?

My friend called me last week and wanted to arrange a weekend together.

Now please remember that this really has nothing to do with either of these men....this is all about me.

He called and told me he was going to be in town and wanted to spend another fun filled weekend with me. This is my dream man. This is the man who I always suspected I would never be able to say no to. This is the man who I always knew would be my Achilles Heel and if I was ever to cheat it would be with him. And here he was...popping up from out of the blue promising me everything I ever wanted from him and god doesn't his timing SUCK???!!!

Expect he wasn't, he couldn't and never could or would.....all he was offering was sex and it suddenly wasn't the stuff of my fantasies but something that could threaten my reality. And for the first time in my life the fantasy wasn't worth it.

Now please feel free to give Chris all the credit in the world for being a great guy and being someone real in my life but it wasn't really about him.

I was ready to let my friend go. I was ready to release him from being my fantasy dream man. He was my magic feather who made me feel sexy and desirable when no one else thought I was sexy or wanted me. Over the last few months (yes, even before Chris came into my life) I have been unpacking some of my baggage. I have had a tendency over the years to collect ex's. I had a cell phone full of men, and by that I mean 2 or 3 (now mostly all married) who I could call and they would fall all over me to tell me how hot I was and how much they wanted me.....as long as their significant other was yelling at them or they were on a business trip. I was their 2 minute "safe" fantasy that they could hang up and not feel guilty -while I would hang up and feel even more alone. But that 2 minutes was worth it to feel that desire even for that long....or short depending on how you look at it. They were my surrogate boyfriends and I love them for what they gave me....but I have been slowing letting them go.

I have slowly set them adrift and have let them float off to where ever it is that they need to go. I just don't need them anymore.

Now again....this really has nothing to do with Chris. Yes, he is wonderful and real and I am so grateful to be building something wonderful with him but the truth is...I was ready for him. I was ready for the real man.

I was ready to let go of the fantasy and start living my life. These past few years have been more then just a diet my friends. I think I am finally growing up.

So my ultimate test.....the fantasy above all others that I feared I could never let go of....I did.

Now don't think I am so rock solid I didn't totally freak out and reconsider calling my friend back. A decade's worth of lust isn't so easy to let go of I don't care who you are! But then my boy came over and his hugs were real and his kisses were real and he took my hand and wiped my cheeks as I cried over sharing this story with him.

And that is all I really need......I passed the test.

Whew!

Pop Goes the World

The man, the myth, the music.....the legend. Say say say what you will about him (sorry, couldn't resist) but the truth is the man made an impact on the world that no one else will ever make in our lifetime.

He never rushed into the twin towers, he is not a hero....at least not in that sense. He never cured cancer or saved a life....or did he? No matter how you think of and remember him there is just flat out no denying that the man was magical. Maybe not to you, if he wasn't your cup of tea that is fair. No one appeals to everyone universally but frankly....Michael Jackson was as close as we may ever come to that.

See... the thing is no matter what your opinion of him is that fact is you HAVE an opinion. And to have an opinion that means you experienced something about him. Could be the good stuff....there is plenty of that to pick from. Might be some of the bad....there is some of that too (the guy was human-despite what some fans believe). And when something happens like Michael Jackson passing away it brings the world to its knees.

Just for a moment-

for one second everyone has a shared experience and for that moment.....we are one.

(please thank me later for not saying we ARE the world....)

That is what struck me as I listened to what quickly became "all Michael all the time" radio is the 24 hours following his death. That no matter who you are, no matter where you are in the world you could stop someone and say "wow, did you hear Michael Jackson died?" and have a shared experience. That....is cool.

Not cool that he died of course but there is just something massively powerful about moments and events like this. Not that it is on the same level (except in some ways it is..) it reminded me of 9/11. The specific image that came to mind is the headline of one of the European papers thet day after the attacks that read simply...."Today, we are all Americans". Watching all the reaction to Michael's death I could not help but think "Today, Michael brought the world together" and I have to think that is something he would be very proud and excited about.

As I think of his music and look forward to the days ahead when we can let go of the minutia of what happened when and they stop playing 911 calls and we can just remember the music and the man who created it....I hope Michael knows and understands that he will be missed and he will be celebrated and for one moment he brought the world together....and I thank him for that.

Peace be with you Michael.....rest now.

Hometown Girl

First off let me apologize to my readers.....you will be pleased to know I have already written "I will not go so long between blogs eve ever again" 1000 times on my chalkboard (oh yeah, I went old school- that is how dedicated to you all I am!)

I have to admit something to you....I am sooooo excited to come home for my birthday party. Its gonna be a blast to see all my hometown friends and of course my family. We are gonna play in the park and have some kick ass karaoke (but from now on it will be called Tonioke- you'll understand why later). We will laugh and I am going to treat myself to some long overdue treats such as the following items....

I will consume for the first time on over a year and a half some if not all the following items:

a diet pepsi (used to drink 4-6 cans and was totally addicted)

a piece of birthday cuz......let ME eat cake!

a cheeseburger (it may be turkey but I LIKE turkey better.....but cheese, oh how I have missed you my friend)

an adult beverage (oh yeah bitches, it is ON...I figure 2 sips should put me under the table)

one of my sister's deviled eggs (only my sister's will do- accept no substitute!)

and other items I may add at my discretion....cuz its MY DAY!!!!

So that's all cool and good and exciting and not what I need to admit to you.....

What I need to admit is.....I am scared. I am so nervous about this trip. Excited? Yes,very excited. I have been thinking about it and planning this since January (please consider that fact as you consider your rsvp....no pressure). And the truth is I am so scared I won't live up to your standards. I hope to see a ton of my peers/classmates and let's face it...we may very well have grown up but when we are all together it will be 1986 all over again and nothing will matter more to me that what you guys think? Am I pretty enough? Am I cool enough? Have I done enough with my life to impress you? And for those of you who have been reading along all this time and supporting me.....what if I don't live up to my own hype? What is my transformation isn't dramatic enough and not what you expected? I don't want to let anyone down and as much as I know I will get a ton of love there will be that part of me that weighs and measures every glance wondering what you are really thinking......cuz we all know I never was -nor never will be- one of the cool kids. I was always cool with the cool kids but I never quite master balancing at the top of the popularity pyramid that was Boone High.

So hometown.....I come back to you humbled, proud and very very scared. I love you all and I hope this time you love me back!

Be gentle!!

Tonight's word.....

So what is on Tracey's mind tonight? Hmmmmm well isn't that always a great question??

Gratitude

That is tonight's word...

There is no denying that times are hard. I am working 3x's as hard as I ever have and I am currently making half of what I did just 6 months ago. But you know what? I am grateful. I am passionate about my job and am so lucky that I have found a profession that fits my core values and I can live what I feel is most important everyday. For those of you who have never heard/read/been quoted my mantra it is this...by the master himself Zig Ziglar: "You can get everything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want." Is there anything more important than that? If there is I'd love to know.

Recruiting enables me to create a win-win-win scenario between my clients, candidates and me. It takes a partnership and when it works it always feels a little magical to me. So do I dread making those 200+ cold calls I have to pound out before I get even a sniff of a job order I can work on? Oh yeah....but its worth it and I don't want to do anything else.

I have been fired 4 times in my career now and most of the time (frankly) I can trace it back to my big frickin mouth and speaking my mind but you know what? I am grateful for each of those occasions because it pushed me out of my comfort zone and I learned the value of my own voice and that I am happy to sacrifice a paycheck over not saying what I feel is right and true. Fuck em if they can't handle it. As I have mentioned before the company I am with now believes in me and supports me and I can literally tell my boss anything and I get heard and respected. Its wrong there is no line on my W2 where I can pencil that in but it is priceless to me. And the rest? Well sales is high risk/high reward and if I am the recruiter I say I am I can, will and must create the income I need to do the things I want to do and live the life I deserve to lead.

My family...

They aren't perfect. We are a band of broken and busted misfits. We are loud and crazy and have deep deep closets that you just don't want to open and I am grateful for each and every one of them. Each has written a chapter in my story and I would not be me without the content they have given me. Good, bad and lots and lots of in-between. I am soooo excited to get home it 2 weeks and hang with my motley crew. I love them love them love them.

My body...

Is farrrrrr from perfect but it is perfectly mine and I am grateful for it. Yeah, you'll have to remind me I said this later but for today I celebrate it because it got me this far dammit. It had every reason to revolt long ago but the good vessel that it is it carried me until I was ready to stand up and carry it for awhile. Of course carrying it is kind of like holding a pot of spaghetti without the pot....things tend to ooze everywhere but whatev.....this to shall be healed in time.

My friends....

What a spectacular group of hot messes I have to love and who love me back.Each one beautiful and fabulously flawed in ways that make me proud to know them. I am so lucky to have such a dynamic group....I feel like I could spread them all out on the floor all around me and bask all day in the fabulous light they bathe me in. Lucky me.....truly and honestly.

My boy....

What can I say.... I have been blessed with having someone new in my life who likes me. Who gets me. Who wants to be with me and talk about silly things and important things and things that will happen in the future and why not help each other build that life so we can play even more and talk about even more silly and serious things? It is like watching a bubble float on the air. It seems easy and carefree but it is taking all the effort of the wind to keep it aloft and the trees are protecting it and the sun is shining on it just right. It is new and shiny (and who doesn't know by now how much I adore new and shiny??) and fragile and strong and solid and transparent. It is refreshing and I feel like I deserve this. I have earned this and it is mine for the taking as long as I remember that it needs to be earned everyday and like the bubble that it is it can never be gripped too tightly or boxed or caged because it will burst into a thousand droplets. It just needs to be allowed to float free and happy and go where it is supposed to and all I need to do is enjoy how pretty it is and trust that the wind will do its thing to help keep it aloft for a long long time to come.....

My life....

It is fucked up and a mess but it is what I have created and ergo it is perfect. If its not I have only myself to blame and I am the only one who can fix it. It is the progression of so many tears and scrapes and challenges and victories and set backs and comebacks and .......it goes on and on and the cool thing is that at the end I will get to write my favorite lines at the end of my own story.....and she lived happily (gratefully) ever after.....cuz I will.

So take stock and count you blessings, even if they do not seem so, cuz this is the only life we got kids. Let's make it count.

Holli and Nolan's Dad

It's hard to not think about my brother today. It's hard to not think about my niece and nephew and how they have to go through each day for the rest of their life without their father. I know my brother and I know he wasn't the perfect father (who is??)but I do know deeply he loved his kids.

Troy was the funny dad. He sang songs badly, he made awful jokes. He was silly and crazy and could have you rolling. He was so proud of Nolan following his footsteps and becoming a hunter. he loved deer hunting (poor Bambi) and Nolan loves it just as much. Nolan got his first buck this year but Troy wasn't there to see it. Just another of the long list of moments he will miss in their lives.

And Holli, well I know he was proud just to have had a part in creating such a beautiful girl. He was her escort for a beauty pageant she was in and I will never forget that beaming look of pride he had on his face as he walked her across the stage. He just glowed looking at her, bursting with pride. He loved going to her games and cheering her on. In fact it was Troy who picked her name. He always said he was gonna have a little girl and she was going to be names Holli Ann. How many kids can say that were destined to belong to their parents like that?

I can't imagine going through each day without my dad and I wish like hell I could take that away from them. I wish there was one thing I could do that could even come close to dropping a stone to fill that chasm. I promised when he died that I would be there for them twice as much and love them ten thousand times as much. Check on the love part but I feel like I am failing them is the being there department. I don't know how to be there and they are teenagers and trying to hard to find their own way. Its so hard to know how much to step in and how much to hang back and let them come to me. I know they both know I am here for them. I just hope they actually feel it in their hearts everyday.

We buried Troy this day last year. I flew home for the burial and then his headstone was set on his birthday so when I come home next month it will be the first time I saw the completed grave.

Its pretty where he is buried. Its woodsy and quiet and I hope he has found peace there. And I hope when his kids go there to see him it brings them peace and they know that he hasn't really left them and he is with them everyday.

I love you soooo much Holli and Nolan. You are very loved and I am thinking of you today and everyday....

My 2 Dads

This being Father's Day it is only fitting I post a small tribute to the OG men in my life. I can truly say I got lucky in this department (although I would not have admitted this in my teen years you can be sure). The road has been rocky with both but now as a almost whole grown up type person I can see and treasure and love these men for who they are and what they helped shaped my life to be.

Larry....

Larry is my stepdad but I am now to the point where I refer to both my step parents as just parents. Larry is a pure and wonderful soul. He is the guy who taught me to drive a car (my mother drove with me once and that was enough for her, after that it was all up to Larry). He is goofy and can ramble on and on about the topics he is fired up about. He is such a giving person. He would literally give anyone the shirt off his back to anyone who needs it.

As I mentioned I had a rocky relationship with him at one time (that time being my teen years). My parents divorced when I was very young and he came into my life and I couldn't really understand what his job was or why he was there. He was very patient with me but trying to replace a parent is always a losing task and not that he ever did. He was just there and tried to love me as best he could- or as much as I would let him.

I can honestly say no one in my life moved me like Larry has.....no really. He moved me from state to state 2 times (Iowa to Chicago the Chicago to Phoenix) and the stories I can tell about those trips are a whole series of blogs that can be told another day.

I guess today what I want Larry to know is I do love and appreciate him. He was more of a father to me than I deserved and he is a very special man in my life and always will be.

Ron.....

My Dad...the giver of life. My Dad is great. He is fanastically intelligent and well informed. I am my fathers daughter in more ways than just looks. There is just no denying how far this apple fell from the family tree. From my father I got passion, curiosity, creativity, imagination. He helped me know that my world expanded beyond what I could see around me. He also gave me my soul. No one I knoow feels as deeply as he does.My Dad is one big open heart and I love him so much for showing mehow to be open.

My Dad has been on the fringes of my life for so long not because of lack of love but because a stubborn daughter combined with a father who isn't the best at communicating isn't a great mix. I deeply regret the time I spent being to stubborn to make those movesthat could have made him a bigger part of my life and I am so proud of us both for being much much better at our own issues on the topic.

What I want my father to know is how much I love him and what a great dad he really has been to me. Not through grand deeds or anything else other than the depth of love he has for me. If I didn't have any other person in the whole world who loved me his love could sustain and nurture me for the rest of my days, thank you Daddy for always loving me.

To both these men- thank you for what you gave me and I hope I can be the daughter you both deserve because I don't know how I got so lucky in having you both in ly life.

I love you!! Happy Fathers Day!!!

The Fog rolls in

I wasn't sure I was going to get around to blogging this weekend. You see the fog rolled in and it made everything foggy and so very hard to see or think or do anything beyond sleeping and moving off the sofa.

My old friend depression decided to pop in for a weekend visit you see. I can't claim to be an expert on depression other than my experience (all to vivid experience) of living with it all around me. I have lost 2 family members to suicide and know of at least one other family member who has attempted it (I found them and thwarted their attempt). I am sure if I played true confessions with some other family members I would find more than a few more who have stepped out on that particular ledge a time or two (myself included) but for whatever reason did not step off (at least successfully- although its odd to tie the word success to suicide).

All I know is that for me, depression is always there. I have described it before as the ocean's undercurrent that is constantly threatening to pull me under. I spend the majority of my time swimming like hell to keep myself on top of the wave, riding it but fearing every second that if I slip even a little bit I will be sucked under and maybe this time....for good. It is exhausting and one can never tell what might set it off.

I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I think of myself as a strong person and I don't like the feeling of being out of control but when the cloak of depression creeps up on me its like I was slipped a drug. Sometimes I can catch the moment it slips over me and I can almost feel the cold needle piercing my flesh as the cold drug of depression begins flooding my body making the whole world fuzzy and turning my brain into worthless mush. If I am lucky during this time I can at least function on auto-pilot. Like yesterday I somehow managed to complete my basic tasks of the day such as laundry, doing dishes, a bit of cleaning ....but yoga had to be cut as a 14 hour nap was far more important. Even with that I still found myself a zombie at 9 and was passed out cold at 9:30pm. Damn, do I know how to rock a Saturday night or what?

So how does a strong person deal with such a disease? One that turns you into a cowering, whimpering emotional mess? And how do you keep the window to your soul open to a new person in your life without giving him the impression that you are some broken china doll who needs to be handled with kid gloves?

Well I used to hide.....hide deep in my corner and under my covers where no one could ever ever see me. If no one saw me then I could go on business as usual and only I knew how much the cauldron of my emotions are bubbling. But then I started doing this blogging thing and as scary as it is to share things with you (cuz then ohimgod you will know!!) it helps. When I write about things like this I don't have you guys in mind. This is me being selfish and writing to myself. Since I can't actually sit my broken little doll self down and chat with her at least here I think she gets to talk a little bit which is good because for the most part she doesn't have a voice. I keep her gagged and bound because if someone sees her they might not think I am as together as I need people to think I am.....there is that block again. Where else does this show up in my life? How about everywhere....

What set it off this time is trivial. Well, not exactly trivial but not anything that millions of people aren't dealing with everyday. Its just Friday was my day to not exactly handle it very well. I spent the whole day in tears (plus side of working alone- I can sob all day and no one asks me "what's wrong") and by the end of the day I was emotionally done. In fact I skipped out early and flew home as fast as I could to hide and frankly I have not left the house since. I do give myself snaps for resisting another urge that is hard wired into me. Chris and I had plans to do a dinner/movie night and I was sooooo excited. Now what my usual programming would scream at me to do when I feel the current pulling at me is to violently push everyone away so I can then be the perfect martyr and sit back all alone and lament about how nobody loves me. So the fact I did not cancel on Chris is huge- I was close though, can't lie. So he came over and it was good. I had made a "comfort pit" for myself. I threw every pillow in my house on the floor and pulled out all my special blankies....the one my mom made for me when I was 10. The one my niece made for me. And the Bubba blanket made from Troy's t-shirts with the border made from my sisters robe. I wore a nightshirt my grandma had bought for me when I was like 8 and I had my boy who kissed me and cuddled me and make it ok- for a little while.

His wonderful cooking (swoon) and holding me close while we watched one of my fave movies was perfect and just what I needed and the whole night kinda induced a haze that I was just totally wrapped up in. I never want him to leave but I have to admit I was so tired I literally could not keep my eyes open and after he left I am sure I was dead asleep before he even left my complex.

Here is my dilemma and it is totally mine because I know he, or you guys don't care....but how do I convince you all that I am ok even when I am not? After living with this for so long and especially this last 2 years I have become aware of the signs and danger zones.Part of me still wants to hide away just because when I have slipped- which I do and will continue to do in the future- it is so scary to talk to me. I know how dark and morose and just awful I sound and if it were me talking to someone I care about I would be panicked. I can't say I am ok during these "spells" but the truth is you can love and support me but ultimately you can't help. I can't be fixed or rescued and sometimes I am beyond your ability to even reach me. You couldn't, not with a boat or a plane or running as fast as you can. Sometimes I just need to drift and only I can start paddling back to shore and back to the people I know who are waiting there for me.

It's so huge I can even admit I have people on the shore, on dry land, who love me because that is what depression loves to steal away from you. The connections you have to others. The things that you live for and love in life are depression's greatest enemies. So you see? I have made such progress even knowing while I am in the fog that if I just walk long enough in a straight line that I will find you and then you can help me. You help by being there all along for me to find.

So its not ok...I won't go as far as to say that. Its cold and scary and I hate it but its another part of my life. I try to be honest here- as much as I have the ability to recognize the honesty of a situation myself. I would not be honest if I hid this from you and I would be cheating my broken doll self of her voice if I did not allow her to speak here.

What it is- is my life. God knows its not pretty and the road ahead has many many rough patches ahead and I'll be back here to this foggy wet place more times in my life than anyone would ever want but I have a pocket full of breadcrumbs and I will find my way out.....

A Quicky

Ok, I was informed in no uncertain terms that blogging needed to happen and soon so here ya go. I don't have a burning issue to discuss so we will be free forming this and you know how sometimes that can go south....we shall see what happens.

Work this week has been a grind but in a good way. I finally have gotten off my ass and started executing to my full potential. I switched markets to something a bit meatier (from sales to healthcare- recruiting that is for those of you who still have no idea what I do for a living, s'ok my sister still can't explain it either). I fought it for a long time but you know what? Fuck it, if it will make me money I am there. I have gotten a few bites so far which is cool and made about 500 cold calls in 4 days which is brutual but hey, its not like I have anyone to distract me. Ummm that being said feel free to text me during the day since I don't have any humans to talk to other than clients (and they aren't that much fun- at least until we get to the part where they pay me). So yeah, desperate times call for stepping up, sucking up and making it happen and if I am the sales person/recruiter I claim to be I am more than capable of creating my own destiny (and income) to get above this and get back to where I need to be financially....

I have good incentive to make big bucks to cuz Chris and I have lots and lots of adventures planned- we just need the income so we can start doing them but I have to say in the meantime I am so very much enjoying finding creative ways to enjoy each others time. Hey now- I didn't mean like that!! In case you haven't noticed I have been surprisingly sparse with the dirty details, not they aren't delicious and fun but frankly its MY shiny toy....mine mine mine and I don't feel like sharing!! Several friends have been asking about meeting him and I have to say while I love the idea and certainly want him to know my friends and vice versa I just have no desire to share right now. It's nice just being in the bubble of it all being new and exciting. So you will just have to enjoy what you get cuz I am keeping this one close.

Ok....I was gonna write more but due to my overwhelming popularity I am being IM'ed by 3 people on FB.

Hope this tides you over for now kids.....

In Case you Missed it

Membership has its privileges and if you are a fan of mine on Facebook you already know this but to catch the rest of the world (my corner of it anyways).... I FINALLY after weeks of hovering right above the line dropped under the 200 pound mark for the first time in at least 2 decades!! As of last Friday I weigh 197.6 lbs!!

It is a huge milestone and I was determined to hit it before I came home for my birthday. I'd love love love to be under 190 now before the party but we will have to see....For now I will do my best to keep my promise to myself to celebrate the milestone victories. It's just not everyday that someone can tell you they have lost 220 lbs. I will resist the urge to look ahead and mention that I still have at least 40 pounds more to go (not to mention plastic surgery). Yes, I will totally resist that urge and just bask and take in the moment.

I took a picture of the scale not just to be cute (cuz, well I am just am cute dammit) but because I have focused and visualized that amount (at least the part where the first number is a 1) for sooooooo long. It is always hardest to push through those milestones. I remember how hard it was to get under the 300 pound mark. Ugh, crazy to think how recent that was.

So what is different? After 220 pounds how is my life different? This is a tricky question to answer actually because I want to hold true to the multiple rants I have fired off here in the past and do my best to not disparage or put down myself from a year ago, or hell at any point up until now. Was I broken? Of course....Was I making bad choices? Yes. Were the bad decisions I was making any more or less destructive than decisions other people make to ruin their lives? Nope but the difference is I was literally wearing my bad decisions for the whole world to see and judge....and still have the shell I have to cart around. My souvenir, my albatross.

Life is different though....no doubt about it. My eating habits are 1000% better but don't think for a second I have risen above temptation. God the list of food I would chew off my right arm for is vast. It's bizarre to think its been over a year since I have had any fast food of any kind. Just yesterday I gave in to one to many "treats" and my body revolted almost right away (bleech). Which I guess is a good thing. I limit what I have so much that when I get to much of a good thing my body sends out the crossing guard and says do NOT pass! I will always struggle with finding those good for me things as opposed to the good things. Looking forward to AG (after goal) I hope to be able to sprinkle in those treats now and then and relax about it.

My physical life is obviously the most dramatic change. I keep getting reminded of little moments- moments where I would walk 2 blocks out of my way rather than try to tackle a staircase. Damn those stairs!! Or even sitting in a booth at a restaurant knowing I can't squeeze into it. Or checking the chairs I was going to be sitting in an hoping there were no arms so I wasn't wedged in. I could go on and on.....to have those moments gone is bizarre. To be able to do all those things effortlessly is amazing. Simple but huge for me.

Not even to mention the whole physical exercise routine. Yoga, weight training and cardio. Exercising so regularly that I had to be forced to add a day off into my schedule??!! A year ago that was so impossible. My first attempts at any exercise was just walking around my condo courtyard because I was terrified of going into the gym at my condo. Now- I am in there everyday pretty much without fail. I even pushed back my date with Chris because I didn't want to miss yoga if I didn't have to?? Exercise over a boy?? A cute boy at that!! Crazy....batshit crazy.

I have come such a long way. I have been getting to know myself on a whole new level. When I started this some of my family members expressed concern that I would be a different person after going through this. Have I changed? Of course....and I knew I would. Any journey you take changes you so it would have been insane to think I wouldn't change but what I promised myself and I believe I have held true to is I have not changed the fundamental person that I was and still am. I am still ME just a different version of me....its even up for debate if this is a better or worse version of me but I am a work in progress and always will be.

Ok....20 pounds times 2 to go!!!

Falling in Love

I had forgotten how easy yet so so difficult it can be. The highs and lows, the exploring and getting to know this new entity in your life. It's strange and exciting all at the same time.

This blog is first and foremost a tool I have been using to examine my own life. To put it into a business example this blog is me"whiteboarding" my own journey. I look for patterns (like that fact I can't seem to string more than a couple of good days together in a row without the ride hitting a few bumps) or places that might be a bit more than meets the eye (grab a shovel people, we are digging in right here).

The biggest journey I have taken in this space isn't the weight loss or living through the grief of losing my brother and most recently my grandma. And no....it isn't even my fabulously fucked up love life.

No....the biggest journey has been (and will continue to be) finding myself and .....(god help me for quoting a Whitney Houston song) learning to love myself. Yes Whitney, that IS indeed the greatest love. Hmmmmm, were you expecting me to be going another direction with this post? Sorry not there yet. Perhaps on the path and wandering in a general direction that may or may not lead there but no, too early to call that race kids. Stay tuned though?

Here is some good news- some of you may recall a blog I posted called "I'm looking at the man in the Mirror" (Aug 08 archives- worth a read or re read, go look. I can wait). It basically was a run down of the points I hated about myself as I looked in the mirror. Well lord knows I still have quite the list of things that I do not like about myself (another days blog) but I have to say the mirror has become a less hostile place these days which is pretty damn huge in my life.

I can breeze by the mirror and catch a glimpse of a person who isn't so bad.

Ok, not the strongest affirmation or validation in the world but if you have been following this particular bouncing ball for long you know that is leaps and bounds beyond where I started and pretty remarkable progress. It's not that I was ever a self hater (even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary) and in the past I would have argued that it wasn't a self confidence issue- but the more I think about these things the more I might have to go back and reassess. Why does it matter to go back and tear apart and CSI my past now?

As much as it seems the past doesn't matter- it does. The past is where all the data is to figure out the "why" of how my life got like it got and until I get a grasp on the "why" of where I got, I really have no hope of making those permanent changes that will mean this isn't just the top of the roller coaster hill that is the first in a series of loop-de-loo's but that this is almost the end of this ride and I can soon hop off it and go on to a bigger and much better ride!

Loving yourself......wow.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to try to do. I am not even close to there but I am trying. I wish it was easy as working out (wtf....did I just say working out is easy? damn...someone go back a year and tell -that- Tracey I said that and watch her tell you to fuck off!!). But if there was a way I could strengthen my self love muscle I would do it (and don't go to the dark side with that comment, yeah I mean you!! keep it clean, this is a family show). It's tough is all I am saying....its tough to really like and love yourself because let's face it, you know how damaged you are. You know how broken and battered and how many pieces you are in on the inside and god knows that crappy patch job you did will only last so long and what happens when it all falls apart. You know how many times you have hurt other people (whether you meant to or not) and how you have the capacity to hurt even more given time. You know the deep the darkness is and where all the bodies are buried and what the secrets are that you hope no one ever finds out about......

When you think of all those things it hard to find yourself lovable or worthy of love.

"The bad stuff is easier to believe.....you ever notice that?" Julia Roberts circa Pretty Woman

And there's there wonderful quote I have on my wall by Marianna Williamson (or Gandhi depending on who you care to believe, regardless....):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I know I have done a lot of good stuff. Some might even call this blog one of the best things I have done as I have shared so much with so many and perhaps.....maybe....even inspired a few folks along the way and what in life is more important than helping people become more than they could be on their own? Most of us need a hand, that's all.....I can see greatness and beauty in everyone around me to a person. I see bright shiny wonderful souls all around me. Why then is it such a leap to believe that I might be one of them??

It's tough but maybe I can see just a glimmer of my own beauty and light. I couldn't inspire others if I didn't have beauty inside me right? Just as you all have inspired me by the beautiful and wonderful things you do to support me and the other people in your lives.

So maybe there is hope for me to fall head over heels in love.....with myself!

Warning: May Cause Side Effects

New relationships are great...as I am finally at long long last being reminded of.....there is tons of chemistry sizzling the air all around you. I swear I can feel Chris as soon as his car hits my condo gate by just the way the hairs on my arm stand on end in anticipation. The sweetness of those new kisses as you are still getting used to a new set of lips to taste. The way each touch is new and exciting and unexpected. Everything is a surprise and you can't wait to see what comes next...

Except....

They need to slap a warning label on new relationships...

WARNING: MAY CAUSE SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DROWSINESS, LACK OF MENTAL CAPACITY, MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FATIGUE (if done correctly anywho) TWITTERPATION AND..... THE POTENTIAL FOR THE RELIVING OF PAINFUL MEMORIES

:::sigh::::

So amongst all the wonderful get to know ya things that happen in the beginning of a relationship (the poor guy already sat through a viewing of my photo albums- nominations for Sainthood are being submitted) there is also the sharing of the bad stuff. Because as well all know the bad stuff sometimes is a bigger part of us than the sum total of all the good.

Last night Chris and I had a lovely evening....dinner at one of my fave restaurants, spectacular conversation (always a given) and then relaxing at my house. I wanted to explain a bit more about my blog....specifically why I call it Laughing Stars so I showed him the archived entry which started this whole thing. The entry was the goodbye letter I wrote to Troy.

As you may recall (or want to re-read) I quote the passage from the Little Prince at the end as a way of summing up my emotions about losing my brother:

"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"

I love this quote and it seemed the perfect title for my blog- and my life. I also showed him the blog about Troy's "Last Call" (which is archived in the Jan 09 batch).

He read them and of course was touched and wonderfully supportive but what I hadn't counted on was my reaction. Just reading that and reliving it through someone else's eyes just took me right back there. Standing on the steps of the church before the funeral, hugging my dad for the first time when I got to the hotel, my decision whether or not to view his body. I was there again and it hurt all over again. It seems that wound has not quite healed and if you flick at the edges it will still bleed.

It's important that he know and understand that about me- what that week did to me and how it started all this but it doesn't make it any less painful to talk about or share. Obviously I knew it would come up and we would get into it. I certainly want him to know and really understand the whole experience, including getting to know my brother. I want him to feel like he does know Troy since he will always be a part (a huge part) of my life.

I think it might be a bit more intense now as I am so close to coming home and one of my plans for the trip home is to visit Troy's grave for the first time. I was there for the burial but this will be the first time I see it with the headstone set. That was done on his birthday last year and I could not make it back for that too. So I guess I am already kinda wandering to "that place" mentally. I was also informed that we will be burying my Grandmother's ashes when I go home so once again my trip home will be more about the death in my family than a celebration which was -my- plan (see what happens when I try to plan things? I swear I don't make this shit up).

So yeah.....things are really good with Chris. I am feeling comfortable (kinda) and relaxing (sorta) and I see good things ahead for us (woo-hoo!!) but really......these side effects are a bitch!!

My Future?

Tracey just got their Tarot Cards Read

Context - Ace of Cups: Have you had a rising of emotions for a particular love lately? If not it is on the way! This may be a new love relationship with a person or it could be a new interest, hobby, or friendship. Any way you look at it, it is all good! Enjoy the feeling of excitement from within!

Focus - Empress 3: The Empress is all about energy and flow and is the feminine card. A project started by the Fool is likely to come to fruition with the Empress on your side. This is a fertility card and not necessarily in the biological sense. This card provides the support and creativity to accomplish your innermost endeavor that has been on your mind.

Outcome - Death 13: Death is a card of transformation! There is great change coming and some phase of your life is ending. Dont resist it because it is inevitable. It may be painful but make the most out of it because, in the end, it could be the best thing that has happend in your life!

Let's see if it comes true....

The Next Act

I feel like I have just opened my book to a crisp clean new chapter. We are still following the same fabulously flawed characters you have come to love (namely, yours truly) and picked up a few new intriguing characters who we don't know well yet but seem to hold a ton of promise.

The setting is the same- a throw back in fact. But the scene has been reset and the hush has fallen over the crowd in the bubbling excitement over what comes next.

What indeed?

That's pretty much the question on the table isn't it? My life has fallen into that "unscripted reality" genre and god knows I am making this all up as I go. I was just talking to Chris about how much I wish I knew how close to the end I am. How long until I hit my weight loss goal? How long until I get the surgery I need to fix 30+ years of abuse I heaped upon my body? How long until I get my projects launched and out there for the world to hear my story....and maybe give a tiny spark of hope to someone who could really use a story that speaks to them. A story of someone who has had similar challenges and just needs that hand to help life them up!

It would all be so much easier if I knew that I just had to keep plugging away for another 6 months and then

:::KAPOW::::

:::BLAM::::

........it is all there before me, served right up on a silver platter (held by Chris who is wearing a tux and holding a rose between his teeth- hey, my dream I can visualize what I like).

But alas, there is no such prognostication device. The only one I trust anyways is my Muppet Magic 8 Ball and it give me answers to my questions like "Bork!" and my fave "Wocka Wocka."

So....clean pages before me and as Natasha says I AM Unwritten. So what do I write? How do I create this next part?

Well first I need to get my ass into gear at work and create some revenue for myself. I have to pay down my credit cards and keep my head above water. I also need to have some play money for the trips and adventures Chris and I have discussed. We are even looking at ways to make these trips pay for themselves but more on that later....maybe.

And speaking of my newest character....he is going to help me with my planning for these other projects. He has a background that lends itself to some special skills and insights that will prove exceptionally helpful in the execution of my evil plans. I have done as much as I know how to do and gone as far as I can go on my own.

Now I know I need some heavy lifters to get me up to that next level. People like Michael who is helping my fitness by working with me as a personal trainer (if you are in Phoenix and would like his help let me know I can put you in touch- he has been great!). People like my yoga instructor Mary at Desert Song who is helping me with my mind, body connection (and totally told me I was rocking with how well my practice is progressing!). People like my boss Jason at TriStaff who believe in me professionally and will give me the opportunity to prove myself and even kick my ass when it needs kicked.

And brilliant,wonderful people like Chris who want to help me be the best me I can become. He is shaping up to be an excellent partner in crime for all my misadventures. Now is the time to fall back, regroup and then take down the bunker, decimate the enemy and win this fucking war once and for all!

Oh....and you guys. My fans and readers...I will never be able to tell you enough how much it means to me that you care enough to read along with me and support me. I can feel it all around me all the time and it helps. It really helps.

I have been trying for a long time to live my life as an example for others....whether that is an example of what to do or what NOT to do is for you to decide. The one thing I do have dialed in though is the fact that NO ONE does this alone. Social Media has cast a glaring light on that subject which I think is pretty awesome. We ARE connected, we do have this need to belong and be part of a group,to be part of anything that is bigger than we are. It makes us feel connected and part of the bigger picture even when you are at your weakest and most powerless....that's when you can turn to your network and just ask for help. A whisper or a shout....doesn't matter. Help will come because you are connected to others. Ask for help and it will be there....it will be your soft place to land.

Athletes figure this out day one. They have people around them all the time supporting them and helping them grow. There is no reason why you can't have a stable of personal coaches for yourself. Have a list of people who you can go to for "x". You actually already have that list but I doubt you have taken the time to really think about and thank or just appreciate those people who are on your list. Do yourself and them a big favor and reach out to them today and say thanks.....you might be surprised that the person who gets a thanks is YOU!

We are not alone and we don't have to do any of it by ourselves. So thank you to my support team. I love you all and I wish many many blessing upon you as you have blessed me in ways I will need a lifetime to thank you for......

Got your plan?

Next step.....execute it!

Things to do to not F*ck Up

Note to self......ex boyfriends will never never never give you the answers you are looking for so don't ever expect them to fix a relationship that has been dead for over a decade and a half. And as much pleasure it might seem to give you to torture them and grill them about what exactly was so fucked up about you that they didn't want you....you will still be left in the same place emotionally because there is no time machine to go back and fix things better left in the past and CSI'ing the remains will not help you navigate the waters of a brand new relationship because there is a whole new set of variables now.

Please, can someone be in charge of reminding me about that often? God knows my ex's would be ever so pleased.

So my task for the evening has failed utterly....that task being to really really try to figure out what my most high risk behaviors are that lead to me self sabatoging all good things that come into my life. Odd that my task failed as is seemed to work out so well for John Cusak in the movie High Fidelity (the book also rocks btw- Nick Hornby rules).

So here is my short list of Things to do to not fuck things up....

be super busy every moment of every day so you won't have time to be thinking (ie- dwelling) about stupid things (like...I wonder if he will just magically knock on my door just cuz I am thinking about him)

leave your phone turned off or in the other room so you do not look at it obsessively willing it to ring with the power of your mind

plan lots of things because the second you do he will want to make plans for the time and date that you just booked

do not express every thought that pops into your head and for damn sure do NOT blog about it

don't be yourself....be yourself lite, the kinder and gentler version of you

take your meds

go with the out of sight out of mind philosophy- if he isn't here he doesn't really exist

begin drinking....fuck the diet

talk to friends who are a much bigger hot mess than you are so you feel totally balanced and normal in comparrison

talk to ex bf's to figure out where it all went wrong ....what's wrong with you people?? that was a test! and no one even tried to stop me. You all suck!!!

spend money like you have it, fuck the fact you are making less money for the same job you did 2 months ago

spend free time watching YouPorn to study up for the next "at bat" you get

keep up with the "gardening" if you weed it, they will come....

oh....and this one is really really important

critical in fact....

you may want to write this down....

do NONE of the above because you are clearly on crack and just need to RELAX......grrrrrrrr

sometimes it is exhausting being me.....

Sitting on the Sidelines

So this whole relationship/dating stuff never gets any easier does it? I mean....I feel like I have been out of the game for awhile, and the last time I played I had a whole different agenda. Less happily ever after and more search and destroy back then.

I have to start by saying how lucky I feel. I know how rare it is to run across someone you just feel glad to know. Period. In any context. And the fact that he is open enough to my life and situation to be cool with me including him in this blog is just awesome. Who does that? Who starts seeing someone and gives them permission to throw out the details of your relationship to the world (at least -my- world). The answer is he does and I am really grateful.

And not to worry, there are plenty of private details that are just between us :)

But this actually isn't about him, its about me.

Like how confusing for me to feel so content and relaxed while at the same moment being scared and flat out panicked. I have been thinking about it alot. Why do I have this urge to rush things. Why was I so fucking driven to go from first date to picking out china patterns in the first week? Why do I feel like I have to "close this deal" or he will disappear forever? Why can't I just relax and breath and let things grow and go where they are meant to go? Cuz I gotta tell ya, that ain't gonna happen if it is left in my hands.

I think it goes back to the same well as everything else. I can sugar coat it and dance around it and throw out some colorful analogies (I do love my analogies) but honestly I am mostly afraid that "he" (the universal he- not Chris specifically) is embarrassed by me. And I am afraid of that because I am still embarrassed about myself.

I have spent so long on the sidelines watching couples together. How they touch each other, how they hold hands, how they kiss, how they look at each other. I watch not from some weird voyeuristic place but from a place of profound, aching longing. I have wanted what they have for so long it physically hurts my heart. I would spend so much time denying that fact but the truth was always there and I couldn't escape it. Especially when it was right in line in front of me watching as she would slip her fingers into his back pocket and lean over to kiss his neck. And he reaches up to push her hair back behind her ear as he smiled this smile that just colored her all over with his love.

God I want that -and I want people to see that and know I am the person who is getting that kind of affection bestowed upon me.

But as I have watched scenes like that unfold a hundred times before me I have also wondered about the judgements people have. The whole what is HE doing with HER? He can do sooo much better than that. Gawd, if she can find someone anyone can! Has anyone ever thought that about me? Would they now if they saw me out with someone?

I think it would just be so cool to walk into a crowded room or a party on the arm of a guy who can't wait to show me off and is proud of me. I don't know that I have ever felt that. I have felt the opposite so many times though. Real or perceived I have just felt more often than not that when guy has taken me out he has been embarrassed. Maybe it was too many times sitting at the back tables. Or too many dates where we just stayed in and never went into public at all. Or maybe it was the being out but no touching once we were outside my bedroom. Which is another reason why I probably focused to much on sex. It was the one place I was certain to get touched.

I don't know how many kisses by a beautiful fountain it will take to make that feeling go away or how many adventure we have before I can relax and not feel like I have to milk every ounce of joy out of each moment because I am scared to death that it is going to be the last moment I have. That is actually my latest work in progress. To really focus on being in the moment and not be thinking 10 moves ahead including how to keep him from leaving cuz I just can't shake the fear that when he leaves I will never see or hear from him again...especially when we have not locked down plans for next time we get together. It's scary to let him go. Very scary.

The one thing scarier then never having love in my life is to have it and let it slip away. I just look forward to that moment where I just know. Where I know to the core of my soul that I am safe, and respected and loved and that "he" (the universal he) is proud of me.

In every way.... and I am proud of me too!

I am never gonna be normal

All this work....all this effort. Hours on the treadmill and elliptical, hundreds of squats. Hours of stretching and posing on my yoga mat. Never cheating once in over a year on my diet.....

It's never gonna give me the perfect body.

I know this. And I know YOU know this. And I know that you know that I know this....none of which changes how much that sucks.

Ok, I don't even need perfect. I'll shoot for not embarrassing.

I went through my closet today and put aside some more clothes that I just can't wear but this time it wasn't just because they are too small. Now I need clothes that have camouflage power.

I want to be proud of all I have accomplished I really do but its hard to feel good swishing around in a skirt when I can literally see the skin on my legs ripple just from a glamour girl spin. I really wish I was exaggerating about that- I am not, even a little. And you can forget a cute little cap sleeve. I need at least elbow length to cover the arm flaps. At least my thighs are pretty well covered most of the time. I obsess enough about them (flabby with a bonus side of varicose veins- sweet) without having to worry who might be taking a peek at them besides me.

It's such a fucking long road. And I have accepted that life has consequences both good and bad for all decisions you make and the consequence of letting yourself hit 418 lbs is you have baggage. Hanging off you....at all times. It is a 24/7 reminder of what I did to myself. My own flesh and blood albatross.

And how bizarre is it to dream about a day when you can cut off your own skin? God that sounds gross! And not the I literally think about having a chunk off (ewwww) anyone in my family of medical freaks (anyone else grow up talking about blood clots while eating tomato soup for dinner?) can tell you I am not sick and wrong like that. In other ways, sure but not like that.

And you know what? Even when/if (cuz it might not- thats just reality) that happens I still won't be perfect. I will then be Frankenstein with big scars all over me. That is the trade off and I still won't look perfect.

I might look a little better naked though.

Fuck, I just don't know what else to do but keep walking the path I have laid out for myself but its hard. Some days more than others but its always there in my mind. I am always thinking about it.

Have my efforts been worth it then?

Of course they have....absolutely and without a doubt. It was worth it and it will keep being worth it- each inch (and at this point all progress in measured in inches not miles)I move closer to my goal proves it was worth it.

But.....

(sigh)

GRRRRRR

Bored bored bored......I am fricking bored. My house is clean, dishes done. I will be working out with Michael tonight so I can't work out yet and I am fucking broke so that limits any outside activity.

B O R E D

Solitude always brings out the worst in me... time out here and there is great but leave me alone, adrift and bad things happen. Like right now I am cranky and pissy as hell. Couldn't tell you exactly why. I am seeing (3 times now- new world record!!) a great guy who doesn't seem ready to bolt on me at a given moment. (The GPS tracker I slipped into his shoes when he came over last night should help should that change.) He is really into me personally and even wants to partner with me professionally- which I always hoped for in a "potential" someone....he is even playing along with the blog here (reading and commenting) and I really really like kissing him a bunch.

I am going back to my old job....downside is the money sucks (but its more than nothing) and I will pretty much be working alone BUT its got a ton of freedom for me to do what I do. Its the next best thing to working for myself which I hope is in the not too distant future.

I had my best blogging month ever- and you guys seem to be enjoying it. (yes? no?) I had 800 views last month and I will soon have passed the number of entries I made in 09 over all of 08! Guess I have a lot more to say this year....

So why am I this moody bitch today? No, I am asking....anyone got a clue?

Damn, me neither.

In regards to my current romantic situation I am so excited about seeing where this goes and what can happen. It has been so so long since I have met someone I could see any kind of future with-up to and including just the next date. It is thrilling to me to have Chris tell me about trips and plans he is thinking of for us in the near future (implying that he not only is going to be around but thinks about it when we aren't together?? wtf?? wow....). This could end up being a very busy summer in a very good way. But I gotta say I am scared.....I can't keep that little voice in the back of my head quite. The one that is sneering at me asking me what am I gonna do to fuck this one up? I have a long history of self sabatage and one would hope that eventually you get over it but what if you don't? All I can do is be really aware of what I say and do and watch those random impulses I get (tricky those things are cuz sometimes they are very good but sometimes.....bad, very very bad)

I guess I really hope I will get some help in the not fucking it up part. I hope Chris will be the kind of guy who can call bullshit on me when he sees me going in a bad direction. Of course he is gonna have to get to know me better to get a good baseline of what is "acceptable" craziness by Tracey standards. He was talking about how he can see how close I am to realizing my full potential and he has a knack for bringing that out in people. I hope that is true and I hope that I can give him something he needs as well. I want to be there for him as much as he is talking about being there for me.....it'd be nice to get there together.

Arrrghhhh. I need to just chill out and find a project to get into. I will be going back to work Thursday.....was Monday, then Friday now Thursday...I am sure by the end of the day it will be come in tomorrow. So I should just fucking chill out right? Enjoy the break, bask in the new relationship and great sex.....right??

Ok, I'll try.....but no promises.

The Halloween Story

(continuing with the college years.....)

So Wendy was a hideous monster of a person and living with her was like walking through a mine field. You just never knew when this chick would blow up. Janet was/is a very cute petite girl and Wendy decided she was going to get down to her size so she went on a laxative diet and dropped a bunch of weight. What that meant was poor Janet's closet became fair game for Wendy. Asking not necessary....although if she had asked the answer would have been yes not the taking thing, not so cool. Not even my closet was immune though. I remember sitting down and noticing Wendy was wearing a familiar garment of clothing. I went to see if I could find my item of clothing that looked exactly like the one she was wearing and -shocker- it was not there! I came back in the living room and sat down and must have had a quizzical look on my face cuz she asked me what was wrong. I told her I couldn't find my white sports bra and she said oh...you mean this one as she grabbed her ample chest (stretched it out thank you very much). Ummm yeah- that one. I nodded and she got up and gave me a look like I was the stupidest bitch to ever fall off the apple cart.

She worked as a aid in a nursing home (I can only imagine how delightful she was with her patients) and I remember we had to be very careful to make sure whatever movie we were watching when she got home (we would watch movies allllll the time waiting for her then we would go out to the bars) and if it was the wrong movie (and there was no telling what "wrong" was on any given night) she would fly into a rage or pout or whatever random extreme emotion bubbled to the surface.

Ahhhhh good times.....

Eventually her man crazy ways were successful and she succeed in trapping a poor guy named Brad into being her love monkey. To this day I don't understand what a guy as nice as he was saw in her but she got her hooks in good and eventually moved in with him. Last I heard they moved to FL and god help us all but I think she procreated.....I can only hope the kid takes after its dad!

To say Janet and I were relived is such an understatement. We danced around singing "ding dong the witch is dead" and I swear the whole place seemed lighter and brighter the second she left. It was as if even the sun beams feared to come in with her around. And don't think I am kidding about the singing and dancing.....literally we had a "wendy is gone" happy dance. It was great.

With her gone this began a stream of random roommates- usually recruited by me.

I was drinking an awful lot at the time so I can't recall exactly the order.....I might need to confer with Janet to help place them all but they all made up what we called the "special guest role" in our wacky little sitcom.

Again, not sure of the true order but let's start with John.

Oh John......what can I say about him.

He was a total country bumpkin. From small town Iowa USA. He was from a town so small they came to my hometown (which is small by most standards) and called it "coming into town". I met him while I was going to community college (which I paid for entirely on tips from Pizza Hut thank you very much) and he was a total and utter dork. He was the male equivalent to a dumb blond and was just goofy in a harmless puppy dog kinda way. I have great affection for the freaks of the world and although his antics were annoying as hell he was a dear. Oh and he was gay....he was soooooo gay he practically had flames shooting from his finger tips and yet he claimed to be straight as a board. He often spoke of the one sexual experience he ever had.....a poor lass we dubbed "Katie the wonderfuck" because she was obviously sooooo good he never had to go back to the well again. He would tell the story of their "special moment"often (toooo often) and he talked about how he could just go and go and go (ummm, perhaps because pumping a chick wasn't what was gonna do it for you? just a guess....)

Lesse.....here is a short list of some of John's little adventures:

he accidentally shut our cat in the fridge for god know how long....all I know is I came home to a cat-sicle (she was fine, frosted whiskers but fine)

he never ever cleaned up his messes prompting Janet one in a fit of litter induced rage to take a pizza box he had left on the counter and drive it into his bedroom door with a butcher knife and a note warning him to pick his shit up or else !!

he took longer to get ready than we did (not gay?? puhleezzeeee)

he bumped into things, all the time like the guy could barely walk 10 feet without knocking something over

We did have some good times with him to be truthful....he was just so damn easy to mess with! You could tell him anything and he would totally believe it. It was a great game to come up with the most extreme things we could just to see how far we could go before we would lose him. The answer? Pretty damn far.....

During the week of Halloween we decided that we were going to watch scary movies every night of the week. Janet, John and I cuddled up on our couch and drove into the land of Freddy, Jason and Michael and all their buddies. The great things for me is Janet and John were both very jumpy and I was ruthless in my torture of them....poking and grabbing themas the scary music swelled making them jump out of their skins. I think one time John even peed a little.

So this went all week and one night I get home from work (the mall- retailsville, I was managing a video store at the time) and the whole house was dark and there were no cars. This was weird because we went as a group places and even if they took off someone's car would have still been there. And then I got to the stairs (which were their own horror show, the staircase was barely attached and completely dangerous- hey, we lived on the edge!) and the light was out.

Okkkkkk....weird

Then I get to the door and there is a note tapped to the door saying that they had all gone out with my good friend Ms. Julie Wilkening. So great to have old friends blend with your new friends. So this is weird too because Janet would totally have called me to let me know the plan and she never would have left without me. Still, whatever....except when I walked in the door there were 3 versions of the same note on the table??

I walk in and the light in the living room is out but I walk right over to the fridge and grab a soda. Then I notice the cat didn't run out to see me. Hmmmm

:::bump, rustle, thud:::::

What's that?

I start to walk down the long hall from the living room to the bedrooms and see Janet's door is shut....which it never was but figured that was where the cat was so ok. Then I see a light in my bedroom.

I stop for a second.

Then the light swooshes around my room and the noises coming from it get louder.

What the hell?

.......and here is where it gets scary. I charge. Literally charge into my room to find a hooded figure crouched over my dresser going through my drawers. They had a flashlight and was digging away in my stuff.

Did I:

a. turn and running away?

b. faint in a huge pile of girly-ness?

c. go running in the room screaming like a banshee "get the fuck outta my house" and charge the figure with no weapon but my wrath?

the answer would be c.....and I gotta admit not the best of those options. You never know what you are gonna do in adrenaline charged situations and that is how I found out what my default setting was....

So I am screaming and going after this guy and as I lunge he stands up and....waitaminute....that's not a bad guy or Michael or even Jason come to kill me....it's, it's....it's fucking JULIE!!!!!

She stood up and looked at me....a bit panicked I think at what I was about to do to her and flipped on the light.

At that moment my roomies Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum come bursting out of Janet's room hysterically laughing.

Pissed

I was soooooooo pissed.

I was LIVID and they all knew it.

No one spoke to me, they just set about getting the car situation under control. Apparently they had all parked about a mile away at the QuickTrip (now Kum & Go- ugh). I later found out they had been playing this whole scene for days and days and got so freaked out planning it they were scaring themselves but they were determined to get me back for scaring them so much.

It was the one time they succeeded......well played friend. Well played.

College days- a throw back posting

Ok I am home, bored and waiting by the phone to get my employment situation figured out so I figured I would blog a bit to entertain myself....

It occured to me that I have a new audience that really knows nothing about me prior to this moment in time so I thought I'd throw out some throw back stories as good background info. If you were there you can feel free to skip these next posts....unless you were there and drunk off your ass (Janet and Von) and this might be a good reminder and/or alternate version of events.

Ahhhhh where to begin?

Ok. My best friend in the world is Janet. I'll never forget the day we met. It was at ISU and it was a huge lecture class at 8am. Why in gods green earth they ever schedule morning classes in college I'll never know- and even more astounding is the fact that people sign up for these classes. The class was a psych class called something like Sex and Sexuality. Sounds like something that would keep a group of college students attention right? WRONG- ohmigod it was taught by the worst teacher in the world....this guy was so old and dried up he was crusty and his lectures were all completely monotone. It was brutal sitting there and just in an effort to force myself to stay awake I sat near the front and in the center of the room. Of course this just made it a bit more embarassing when I did nod off....and I did, often but at least I was trying!

So one day in class I noticed this way cute short haired girl walking from the back of the room where she sat and she bounced all the way down to the front of the room. She made a bee line over to me and asked if she could borrow my notes as she had missed some of the class lectures (because she was napping to most likely). She introduced herself and I gave her my notes and we were pretty much inseperable from that moment on and for the next 6 years. I asked her many times why of all the people in that room she picked me (she walked by at least 50 people on her way over to me) and she said she just thought I looked nice. Awwww

Geesh there are so many stories about our life together. In fact we used to joke all the time about how our life should be a sitcom (see, this idea has been rolling around my head for a long time). We both lived off campus and at home and eventually we hooked up with this girl named Wendy who became our third muskateer. What I can tell you looking back about Wendy is- if all the hot mess drama queens in the world ever gathered together in one place they would all fall to their knees in worship when she walked in the room. This girl could make walking across the carpet into a drama filled, bust into tears moment that would need hours of discusssion to get her off the ledge.

One of her first major antics that I was witness to was she had opened her mothers mail (that's bad right?) and took a preapproved credit app and filled it out and got a credit card with a 5k limit which she proceeded to max out in just a few weeks. She bought cd's, stero systems, a tv, perfume (I can still smell it- Tresor), clothes.....and drinks. Lots and lots of drinks. We began hanging out at a bar called Hunky Dory's (hey, I didn't pick the name) and soon became diva-level regulars. Since we knew the manager (Ian) and all the bouncers and bartenders we -never- paid a cover charge and god forbid if there was someone new working the door who didn't know who we were- pfft. Our wrath was swift for such underlings and there was no pity. We even had the DJ's play set list tailor made for us....it was cool.

In fact there was one particular night that Wendy drug us to some random bar in BFE to see this band cuz she was all hot for one of the band members (who, as it turned out wanted nothing to do with her...and he was pretty gross and nasty) so we were "late" in arriving to our bar. No kidding, everyone was so worried about us that the manager of the bar called all our houses to find out where we were and if we were ok. Yes....the manager of a bar called my mother (and mind you I am 22 at this time) to see why her daughter was not already sloppy drunk on his dance floor. Classic.....

So Wendy was slutty and evil but in the history of my life I have to give her credit for it was she who found our Shangri-la, our hideaway....our crib. Ok the reason she found it was cuz her mom found out about the credit card scam and threw her out of the house. We had all been kicking around the idea of getting a place together and this just kinda gave us the shove we needed. I have no idea how she found our place but she called us to come look at it and it was the perfect college crib.

It is super close to all the college bars but yet right on the edge of town where it started to turn into "the country". This is in Ames, IA btw.....we were attending ISU at the time. It was a house that had been converted into apartment. The first floor was 3 one bedroom units and our was one three bedroom unit. Wendy took the master bedroom (which she always kept a total pigsty, this chick was exploding disaster where ever she walked) and Janet and I took the other 2 bedrooms which had an adjoining closet. The kitchen was straight out of the 50's but since we were not so much with the cooking that didn't matter (actually Janet is a very good cook and every so often would suprise me with breakfast- that rocked). We had a huge black bar/island that served as a pantry and what was the half bath/laundry room we turned into the make-up room. I had a vanity that I stuck in there and that was where we got ready....and trust me if you are living with 2 other women you need more than one bathroomto get ready in. Especially Janet who could easily take close to 2 hours to get ready. God knows I sat there and watched her go through her routine often enough but to this day I could still not tell you what took her so long (these days she tells me she is lucky to get out the door with her teeth brushed having 2 kids under the age of 5).

The best part of the house was our huge living room. It was massive and there were huge windows all around. This was great in the summer because we had no air conditioning and we got a great breeze. In fact the first time I ever had air conditioning in a house I lived in was Chicago. In the winter those windows were not our friend....as I mentioned it was an old house and not so much with the insulation. We would nail blankets and plastic over the windows to keep out the drafts and even then we couldn't have lived without my little space heater. We also had huge deep closets in the dining room area. The plus side to this was it was excellent storage for the massive amounts of cans we accumulated from our soda and beer habits. We would fill up the cabinets and then when we couldn't stuff another can in there we would go the mile (seriously) to cash in our cans and buy more beer. We would usually have like $30 worth of cans. One of the issues we had with our landlord later was ummmm, a bit of an ant problem because of years of very sticky closets being great feeding grounds for the ants. oops.....

This was the setting now for a thousand wonderful, weird and just buck wild crazy times....stay tuned and I will roll these stories out when my current life bores me ;)