Sunday, May 10, 2009


I am very restless and have been all weekend. I can't really say what is wrong, if there is anything wrong at all. I just can't seem to get settled. I specifically planned a chill weekend to just relax and recharge before I start the new new job but that is the only thing I haven't accomplished. My house is spic and span. I donated another load to Goodwill. I went to the movies and washed my car. I took all my recycling in I ran all the errands and paid all the bills that I had the cash for and I have been working out in bits and pieces all day. And still I feel like a caged tiger.

My thoughts have been all over the map as well. I have been working on trying to be more accepting of my body. I feel like I am a total broken records whining about how I look so I have been making a conscious effort to focus on the positive. I guess that new pic I found really kind of threw me (the one in the white striped shirt). I never saw that pic before and it really shocked me how big I looked -it just really made me start thinking. I have been saying all along that I never want there to be an old me/new me comparison- that it is just me and I am the same person that I have always been, just a person now who has made different choices but I am beginning to wonder if that is possible. Is it possible that a butterfly can look back on its caterpillar days and say that is it the same? Ok that sounds a little Mariah Carey but you get my meaning.

Now that I am really in a struggle -cuz god knows that fricking scale is not my friend right now- it is making me think that this journey is changing me more than I realized. This is such a fight. It is such a battle and its hard. I try to honor my body and I know it will never ever be perfect. There is a price to pay for letting yourself get to be 418lbs. I can't escape that fact. I have lymphodema, I have bad knees (just ask my yoga teacher, pigeon pose is NOT my friend- owwy), I have hip issues.....that is just how it is. And now I have skin that is 10 sizes too big and it will take a miracle to get even a chunk of those issues behind me. Not that I don't have hope and even better than hope- a plan to get things done but in all reality (which I have to face) it might not happen or might not happen for years. I mean, why am I doing this? I want to find love someday and looking good naked would be nice. As much as I am proud of how far I have come I can't imagine anyone wouldn't be a little turned off by how I look. I am. Blah blah blah.....there I go whining again but like I said my mind has been all over the place.

I printed off the white shirt pic as a reminder of where I was and the pic of me ontop of the foothill as a symbol of freedom and hope. I do have hope... and determination and I will get to the end of this journey. These last steps are ungodly hard and I wish there was a shortcut I could take. I wish there was a fast forward just so I can see what the end looks like so I can keep pushing. I will anyways just cuz I know there is an end and its not so far away now. I will get there, I have to. Failure was never an option and it sure as hell is not an option now.

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