Tuesday, May 5, 2009

One more breakthrough

I have been banging my head about hitting this wall of trying to get under 200lbs for the first time in my adult life.....and god only knows how young I was when I went over the 200 mark on the way up. I have been so frustrated and I can see how I have started to let myself slip. Tonight I skipped working out and ate a plate of Tapas. Granted, this is not like plowing through a whole cheesecake but I have been letting myself slip a little here and a little there. Nothing that I would "officially" put in the cheating bucket but I have not been as dedicated as I once was.

Hmmmmmm, let's think about this for a second.

Have a goal, get frustrated, start indulging myself with "treats" to make myself feel better.

:::warning, warning will robinson, we have detected an old pattern being repeated::::

So there is it. Those damn old habits that will never die. I didn't think I'd left them behind but I didn't realize just how close to the surface they are always brewing.

And guess what....it's all mental. This is the time of the game where all the tricks get pulled out and my BS (that's belief system- dirty minds!) is trying to hold me back. All those negative things and those voices that tell you all the bad stuff....when you get frustrated they get stronger. I can feel them even now as I figure this out getting a little panicked cuz they were just settling back in my brain for a long stay.

I have been so focused on the bad stuff. Feeling locked into a routine that isn't getting me the results it once was. Feeling very depressed about the fact that I still won't look that way I want to look after losing the weight without surgery. Feeling like I just won't ever hit my goal and starting to think about how if I stayed right where I am now (weight wise) would that be so bad? Certainly none of you would fault me.....but I would.

It's a struggle doing this. I'd love to paint a rosy picture and say I have all the tools and I have the plan and I gots is allll figured out. NO problem, I am on cruise control to the end.


But I think this is where it gets serious. The first 200 were a gimme. My body wanted to get rid of those pounds....but these last 50. These are the ones that count. It's a war for control of my own body. That BS I have in my head has been working out its muscles for 38 years. My new take charge of my life muscles are only a year old. I have to refocus on the good stuff. I need to start thinking about what that day I hit my goal looks like, what it feels like, even what it will taste like.

I have to clear the decks of everything I was doing (again) and shake it up if I am going to breakthrough THIS wall I have created for myself.

Did you get that.....yeah almost slipped by me to. -I- created this block. The only reason I have not lost these last 50 lbs is because of me. I created this, I need to breakthough. I don't know how to do it because I am not sure if it is possible to work harder but it is possible to change the game and mix it up so that's what I am gonna have to do.

And I'll need your help.....I learned the most important lesson of my life a few years ago and that is "it's OK to ask for help"! It's ok to let you see me hurt and battered and broken because the fight is worth fighting and when I ask for your support I know I get 10,000 times what I asked for....so I am asking.

I need help in breaking down this last wall and getting under 200 and shedding these last 50. Help me.....I know we can do it together.


Erika said...

Interesting blog....I just came home from meeting w/my trainer for a remeasurement. NOT a good remeasurement either. I've gained all that I'd lost in a matter of a month!! So back to counting calories and going to the gym again. If I can get back on the wagon...you can too!! TRUST me I hear your frustration and I too have no one to blame but me. WE CAN DO IT!!

THerrick said...

Thanks Erika- its such a common struggle but NONE of us have to go through it alone! Thanks for the support and you have mine as well....