Sunday, May 31, 2009

Get to the good stuff

I know I know, my little career ups and downs are very entertaining but I can hear you all screaming :::now tell us the GOOD stuff, tell us about THE BOY:::::

First off (and he will be oh so excited to hear this) I am officially upgrading him from "new boy" to "the man in my life" cuz he is def not a boy- he is all man!

He has been awesome to me. I must admit I went a little "ohmigoshaboylikesmeandhehasn'trunawayyetandthatisnewtome" crazy. Kudos to him (and I mean MAJOR kudos) that he didn't freak out and just bail on me. If he had it would have totally been my fault. BUT he didn't and he hasn't and wonder of all he is still in the picture.

I gotta tell you he is pretty awesome. Smart, funny, cute accent, smart, gets me, witty, worldly.....I could go on and on. (And I am not just saying that cuz he is reading this). I honestly feel lucky to just have met him as a person and as a new friend.....everything else has been a bonus. And I do love me a good bonus!

I had to apologize to him for going from first date to picking out china patterns and while he was super cool about it, I gotta think he was relieved when I had a moment of clarity Friday night and kinda snapped out of my haze. Not that I am not still all twitterpatted about him....I am. And I do love this part. The talking until way too late. The fact that he is a blank page and everything he says is fantastically interesting to me. He was talking about rocks and I was enthralled....seriously. He makes them into art and I think that, well not to be obvious but, that rocks. hehehe

Its way to early to make any predictions about how this will go. Excruciatingly early in fact but what I like is how comfortable and easy it is to be with him and talk to him. I am trying to hold myself back from what may seem like fishing for too many compliments but it has honestly been so long since I have connected with someone like this I just really am a bit stunned that someone I like likes me back. So when I ask him what he likes about me....I really am not looking for my ego to be stroked (although its a bonus) I really really want to know.

Emotionally speaking, I feel like those plants I see at Walgreens that look half dead cuz even though they are right there out in the open no one has thought to water them in ages and they are bone dry and half dead. Every look he gives me, every compliment, everytime he says something interesting or something that implies a reference to something he is thinking about us doing in the future....its like watering my emotional soul (ok, I know that sounds -way- over the top but feeling like this is new to me so back off!) And it really doesn't take that much to make me perk up and come back to life.

I must have seemed to him like a stray dog you give a little kibble become their instant hero and they will follow you anywhere. Normally when I meet a guy I am pretty guarded and aloof...which works out well cuz when 24 hours later they have disappeared its no big deal and I can move on cuz I invested nothing in them......But I don't feel like holding back now- even a little bit and I think its because of the kibble I got. He started right off by giving me some attention and affection and that was the first few drops that made me perk up and want more. (damn, I am mixing my, just roll with it for me) It didn't take much but at every step I have just gotten more and more of what I need. To even get a taste of something solid and stable and consistent.....god, that is all I have wanted for so so long. My prayer for years has been to just have someone in my life I could count on. That's it. Simple.

I just have to wonder though.....all the years I have spent hiding. Even when I was dating actively (ohhhh and I do mean actively- those stories will be the sequel to this book once it is published- trust me there are some good ones!) it was empty. It was just sex because if I couldn't get a guy to love me or care for me I could sure as hell get him to fuck me and that was close enough. I have used sex as a substitute for affection for so so long and the truth is I would rather lie in a man who cares about me arms all night much much more than to fuck him.

Sometimes I think I rush sex to hide from getting vulnerable. How many people talk about sex as power and control and maybe I do that....hmmmm. I think I might do that more than I had considered before (look at me working stuff out as I write, welcome to my process and why this is the best cheap therapy ever!) I may very well flip to sex kitten mode to protect myself from feeling what I am feeling for someone. Damn it has just been so long since I have cared about the man in my bed (sad I know) that I haven't spend much time thinking about it. Interesting.....

It is freaking me out more than I would care to admit to think about the future. I am just so used to being denied (time to unpack some emotional baggage) even with some of my core, most significant relationships there has been such a take away of emotion. Think Lucy and Charlie Brown.....this unconditional love is offered but when I run up to the football to kick that emotional touchdown it gets yanked away. Time after time after time. Is it any wonder that I am scared to reach out and really let myself go? I want to believe and I have to say with this particular guy I look up and I see blue sky with no clouds and I don't feel even a hint of rain in the air (and being from the midwest, we can always smell a storm coming) BUT.....what if he pulls away just when I am ready to let go? Can I trust myself? The question isn't can I trust really has nothing to do with him in many ways. It is all about can I trust myself to really let go and be vulnerable and give my heart to someone. NOT that we are there yet.....this has plenty of time to grow and be what its gonna be but even thinking about opening up to him makes me wonder if I will ever be able to truly let go and open myself up to anyone.

It reminds me of the 5 foot trust fall I did. I had to climb up on the platform and look at my team and tell them "I trust you" then let myself fall into their arms. I never doubted that they would catch me. I knew they were there and they would be there for me. What I didn't know if I could do- and what had my knees turning into jello- was I didn't know if I could let myself fall. Just leting go and letting myself fall the hardest part, being caught was the least of what that process was about for me.

I guess at the end of the day I am just thrilled to even feel safe enough to ponder these thoughts and questions. This is 10,000 times better than the last 5 guys I have dated combined (god that is pathetic to say) and its only been a week. But I gotta say....I think I have many many weeks ahead of me with this particular man.

And to him I say....thank you for making me feel so special so far and I hope I do fill in your gaps as beautifully as you have filled in mine (which sounds kinda dirty- hehehe).


Chris George said...

Someone not only has very pretty ears, she knows how to use them and has something wonderful between them to turn a few wonderful conversations into something so healing, redemptive, and engaging.

A friend of mine once wrote that "a little rain is what makes the flowers grow."

Flowers do need the water to grow and they put down roots to get as much as they need. And flowers that don't get enough water shrivel up ever more and die.

But the truth is that flowers need both the sunlight and the rain. The sunlight feeds and nourishes the flower while the water allows it to grow and prosper. Without the right combination of both the sun and the rain, the flower never blossoms....never sees its' full potential; never has the chance to reproduce and share its' beauty and grace with the world beyond a sweet fleeting moment.

Most of us thirst for the water until we get enough to drown, or reach for the sun until we burn. Like all else in life, the truth always lies somewhere in the middle...everything belongs together, working together in moderation, enjoying its' moment in the sun, and drinking in the nourishment of the rain.

The sun and the rain work together in an odd partnership, each providing and meeting the needs that the other produces in those that depend on them. They are interwoven in a dance that is older than life itself; in a dance that touches each of us every day of our lives and reminds us how wonderful it is to share the dance with those in our lives.

Dance on, Tracey. Dance on.

Frances Gorde said...

Will you marry me Chris? or, at least tutor my husband? :-)

Chris George, The CI Guy said...

Maybe I'll start some classes...The Professor (Adjunct) is in session...


Mindy said...

Ok, so Tracey, I like Chris, especially his writing! Very well done!! (Sorry, Chris, I'm Tracey's high school friend and plan to retire from the profits of her future book...maybe you should think about writing one as well? I could retire even earlier!!)

Chris George said...

Heh. I don't think anyone could accurately desc`ribe my personality as 'retiring' ...;-)

And, oddly enough, yes, I do have several (more) books in the pipeline... plus my own blog... plus screen plays for motion pictures ... plus ... plus ... plus all the stuff I just signed up for on my blog. Hmmm... Apparently I have a little work to do...So as the Governator 'once said', "I'll be Bach." Or Beethoven. Or something.