Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

My Grandma was fond of saying "I am a mother first and then a Grandmother". She'd say this whenever I would push back at her for an overdose of her worrying herself sick over things that would, could and did never ever happen. She would just shrug and say I am a mother and that's what we do.

This is my first mothers day without my Grandma. I hate to compare her loss to Troy's but it is obviously very different hitting all the "firsts" without her as opposed to my brother (I don't even recall celebrating mothers day with Troy...j/k). I was never ready for her to be gone from my life but I know she is where she is supposed to be and she is with the people she loves. It is easier to be at peace about her now.

But, I am still a bit sad today and will be thinking and remembering my Grandma all day....she'd like that.

Now my own Mother...

I hesitated like you wouldn't believe to write anything about my relationship with my mother. Mainly because I have tried like hell to stick to "this is my story" written here (in my blog) and while I may mention other people it is my story and I never want anyone to take what I say as the only version or even the correct version of events. It's just how I see it and my perception. I don't want to give a one sided version of a story that clearly has multiple sides.

My mother is beautiful, charming, witty and intelligent. She is a born leader and people love her. She is charismatic and every room she is in you can bet she'll be at the center of it. I love her very much......and I wish that was enough.

I don't have the relationship I would like to have with her and that hurts me everyday- more than I admit even to myself. I wish I could tell you why 2 fabulous women (like we are) can't seem to connect. You'd think the shared DNA would be enough .....but its not. For whatever reason it is not. I hope that someday this will change and somehow we will find our way to a solid and fufilling relationship that we both can enjoy. She has not always been the mother I need and god knows I have hurt her in ways I am sure I don't even realize. The chasm between us is deep but I have never been able to walk away. I have never for a second written off the potential to have that great relationship I need and I believe she is missing as well. That the little girl in me needs her so badly. I am (gulp) nearly 40 but I still need my mommy...sometimes I just do.

Everyday I need her. I need her love and support and so many things (this past 2 years especiially) have been so much harder becuase I haven't felt like I have had it for so so long. It is my hope with all that has happened in our lives that we can somehow find a way back into each others lives. After all that has happened it won't be easy or pretty ....there is a lot of damage that needs to be aknowledged and addressed and repaired (as best as it can) but there is hope. In my heart I cling to that hope.

So today, Mother's Day, I put it out into the universe that my wish for my mother- for us both- is to find a way to take those first steps back to each other. She is brilliant and funny but most of all she is my mom and I'd sure like to have a mom in my life again.

Happy Mother's Day Mom....I love you very much.

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