Sunday, May 17, 2009

I always knew....

I got a chance to do something the other night that doesn't happen all that often. I was chilling with a good friend of mine at my condo and she asked me about my past- specifically if I had been overweight my whole life. I decided that best way to answer that was to show her so I grabbed my scrap books. Yes, as we learned earlier in the Chronicles of Tracey all my photo albums feel victim to star shaped cut outs and stickers and borders. My life was scrap booked to death :::sigh::::

But, you can still see the pics even if they are all oval shaped now. And the answer to the question is yes. I was always always overweight. Chubby kid, chubby middle schooler and obese teen and beyond. Hey, alot of you were there I don't have to tell you. Someday I will invest in a scanner and upload "Tracey...the early years" but suffice to say they show the same round cheeks and bright eyes and tubby little girl.

I know I am getting to the point where people are expecting me to say "don't you wish you would have done this years ago?" And the answer is- of course. In a way. But here is the truth and I have never ever told anyone this before....

I always knew I'd lose the weight.

I knew it.

I knew it as sure as I know my name that someday....and god knows I did not know when, where or how but I just knew in my heart that someday I would be ready and it would click. I guess that is why I was as content as I was being so heavy for so long. I know that is why I am not that person who has tried every fad diet and yo yo'ed my whole life. Before now I can't say that I ever put an honest effort behind a diet plan.

I have such vivid memories of my mom going through all those crazy diets. Coming home and the house reeking of cabbage soup (ack) or seeing her starve herself only to one day just drop it all and dive back into a bag of chips. She was a trend follower and yo-yo'er big time and I never saw the point. Until you find that one thing that is gonna work for you... why bother? I remember doing some exercises as a kid and her involving me in some of her diets and I remember liking doing it but it never stuck. There was never any logic or consistency to it.

I guess I just was biding my time until the planets aligned and everything came together. When I tell my story now people automatically assume it was directly because of my brothers death that I decided to start but that wasn't it. Don't get me wrong, it obviously has influenced my life greatly and has given me the motivation I need to push through when things get tough. I was already about 90% of the way there when Troy died. I had already done my diligence and research and found the plan I wanted to try when my world exploded. I was already standing on the edge of the diving board with my toes curled over the platform just waiting for the strength to jump. After Troy's death it took a few months to get my feet back under me to get back to that jumping off place again and this time there was no hesitation I just ran and jumped off and started the year long journey that has brought me to this place.

Thinking back on my lifetime of being overweight I guess the one thing that keeps coming back to me is fear. I was so afraid of getting started. That is 90% of it.....just getting started is so so hard. I don't mean half assed getting started cuz we all know what that is like. If you start something and aren't really committed to it and half ass it all the way there are no real consequences of failing because you were never really in it to begin with. That is the real difference.....because if you commit to a major life change and really really dig in and pour your guts into it the consequences are literally life or death. As much as I was complacent about my weight I knew without a doubt I was killing myself- and my depression (my demons) were ok with that. I wasn't ok with that and for whatever reason this is the time that I decided was right for me to flip that switch and change tracks forever.

I don't think anyone in my life (with one extremely noteable exception) has a glimmer of a doubt that I will ever go backwards. It won't happen. Will not. Ever. Period. And that is because I am passionately committment to this new lifestyle and when I get focused NOTHING can stop me.

Trust me for years and years I found better things to do everyday than to workout by myself so its not because I am trying to please anyone else by doing this. You wouldn't know if I half assed my workout and honestly you'd probably make excuses for me if I did report that I was "taking it easy". See? It's so easy to get out of something you aren't locked into a committment....and people will help you which actually kinda sucks. We all deserve people in our life who will call bullshit on us when we try to flake out of our committments. That's not a lack of compassion or understanding its quite the opposite. It's respecting that person so much that you are honest with them when they can't or won't be honest with themselves.

So I put it to you dear readers, feel free to call bullshit anytime you see me losing the faith and feel free to join me if now if your time to shine.

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