Not that anyone has noticed but I am in the midst of a classic Tracey move which is hidding in my condo and burrowing as far under the covers as possible until "it" all goes away. Not that I have a bleeding clue what "it" is other than "it" is huge and scary and is gonna get me if I let even one toe out from under the covers.
I really really hate it when I get these spells. I just curl up like one of those worms....this might be a better analogy if I knew what those worms were called but they were all over the place when I was a kid. They were little and green and if you touched them they would instantly curl up into a tight little ball. That is the visual I have of myself, I just can't curl up into a tight enough ball right now.
I knew I was in trouble Friday afternoon. I just felt like I was swimming through sand. It was so hard to move and I swear I could barely keep my eyes open for the drive home. I was in bed asleep by 9am and when my alarm went off for yoga at 7am I just couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't do it. Even though I knew I'd feel so much better if I went. I felt like I was drugged. So I turned off my alarm, rolled over and slept until noon without moving a muscle.
I stayed in the haze of being half asleep pretty much all day. I stumbled around in my stupor and just sat and thought about all things negative. When I get in this head space I just can't snap out of it. I spent all day hating my body and everything else about myself. I feel like it- my body- has totally let me down. I hate how it looks and I hate how I am killing myself exercising and its not doing any good. Even when I lose the weight I still won't be done and I might never be done. Its exhausting thinking about it 24/7....and I do. Its all I think about. And then I think about how not that much has changed in my life. Yeah, I have lost this weight, big fucking deal. I still sit at home alone most nights. I didn't drop a few pounds and suddenly become the number one girl on everyone's guest list. So why did I do all this? Yeah I am more "active" but even the active stuff I am doing I am mostly doing by myself.
And 90% of the time I would tell you the half-lie that I prefer it that way. I think when I really look into the truth mirror I have to admit that I only say that because I once again don't want anyone to know how lonely I am most of the time. You get used to being alone. You create a whole "this is ok cuz this is my life and how I want it" facade but the truth is I want someone in my life. I do, with all my heart and soul I am lonely and need someone in my life.
But how can I expect anyone to love this body? Seriously. People are vain and want the whole package and even though I have worked so fucking hard I still look like a freak- ironically maybe even more so than when my skin fit me. It's the illusion that I am not that big until I strip in front of the mirror and it looks like the 418lb me has just melted. I want to smash the mirror most days. I want to scream at it. It's not fair, I have worked so hard and where is the payoff? God....I just need to know how close I am to the finish line. I am strong. I can keep going and keep pushing on if I just knew how mush farther I have to go but I am so tired....so tired.
Like with the weight training I started. I know where my limitations are and I can already see where I have improved. It's like doing a maze and seeing where you are blocked but then spying the path that path that will get you out. I can see that with the training but even if I tone up 1000% there will still be this dead weight holding me back. I hate it I hate it I hate it and there is nothing I can do to fix it. If you want to really know the truth since I am spilling my guts here .....I am so afraid of the surgery I will need. People die in surgery having much more routine proceedures than what I need. Worrying about that is putting the cart waay in front of the horse at this point but I think about it pretty much everyday. I did all this because I want to live the best life I can not to get to my goal then lose everything.
God, I just want to be settled already. I want this part of my life to be behind me and I want someone in my life who will be there for me. That's all. It is really so much to ask for? I feel like the scene in Garden State where they all scream into the ravine. That's what I want to do....I want to scream until I am hoarse then jump and hit and break everything into a million pieces until they feel as small and as broken as I feel. I want to crush my mirror into a powder so it will never make me feel bad again.
Just give me a sign, please. Show me this is all worthwhile. That I am on the right path, that there is an end to this. Please help me. please please please please......