Sunday, May 24, 2009

I hate this part right here

Not that anyone has noticed but I am in the midst of a classic Tracey move which is hidding in my condo and burrowing as far under the covers as possible until "it" all goes away. Not that I have a bleeding clue what "it" is other than "it" is huge and scary and is gonna get me if I let even one toe out from under the covers.

I really really hate it when I get these spells. I just curl up like one of those worms....this might be a better analogy if I knew what those worms were called but they were all over the place when I was a kid. They were little and green and if you touched them they would instantly curl up into a tight little ball. That is the visual I have of myself, I just can't curl up into a tight enough ball right now.

I knew I was in trouble Friday afternoon. I just felt like I was swimming through sand. It was so hard to move and I swear I could barely keep my eyes open for the drive home. I was in bed asleep by 9am and when my alarm went off for yoga at 7am I just couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't do it. Even though I knew I'd feel so much better if I went. I felt like I was drugged. So I turned off my alarm, rolled over and slept until noon without moving a muscle.

I stayed in the haze of being half asleep pretty much all day. I stumbled around in my stupor and just sat and thought about all things negative. When I get in this head space I just can't snap out of it. I spent all day hating my body and everything else about myself. I feel like it- my body- has totally let me down. I hate how it looks and I hate how I am killing myself exercising and its not doing any good. Even when I lose the weight I still won't be done and I might never be done. Its exhausting thinking about it 24/7....and I do. Its all I think about. And then I think about how not that much has changed in my life. Yeah, I have lost this weight, big fucking deal. I still sit at home alone most nights. I didn't drop a few pounds and suddenly become the number one girl on everyone's guest list. So why did I do all this? Yeah I am more "active" but even the active stuff I am doing I am mostly doing by myself.

And 90% of the time I would tell you the half-lie that I prefer it that way. I think when I really look into the truth mirror I have to admit that I only say that because I once again don't want anyone to know how lonely I am most of the time. You get used to being alone. You create a whole "this is ok cuz this is my life and how I want it" facade but the truth is I want someone in my life. I do, with all my heart and soul I am lonely and need someone in my life.

But how can I expect anyone to love this body? Seriously. People are vain and want the whole package and even though I have worked so fucking hard I still look like a freak- ironically maybe even more so than when my skin fit me. It's the illusion that I am not that big until I strip in front of the mirror and it looks like the 418lb me has just melted. I want to smash the mirror most days. I want to scream at it. It's not fair, I have worked so hard and where is the payoff? God....I just need to know how close I am to the finish line. I am strong. I can keep going and keep pushing on if I just knew how mush farther I have to go but I am so tired.

Like with the weight training I started. I know where my limitations are and I can already see where I have improved. It's like doing a maze and seeing where you are blocked but then spying the path that path that will get you out. I can see that with the training but even if I tone up 1000% there will still be this dead weight holding me back. I hate it I hate it I hate it and there is nothing I can do to fix it. If you want to really know the truth since I am spilling my guts here .....I am so afraid of the surgery I will need. People die in surgery having much more routine proceedures than what I need. Worrying about that is putting the cart waay in front of the horse at this point but I think about it pretty much everyday. I did all this because I want to live the best life I can not to get to my goal then lose everything.

God, I just want to be settled already. I want this part of my life to be behind me and I want someone in my life who will be there for me. That's all. It is really so much to ask for? I feel like the scene in Garden State where they all scream into the ravine. That's what I want to do....I want to scream until I am hoarse then jump and hit and break everything into a million pieces until they feel as small and as broken as I feel. I want to crush my mirror into a powder so it will never make me feel bad again.

Just give me a sign, please. Show me this is all worthwhile. That I am on the right path, that there is an end to this. Please help me. please please please please......

1 comment:

Frances Gorde said...

You are SOOOO on the right path!! I have my mental, purple, WWTD bracelet on right now!!! As with any feelings, the good thing is they ebb and flow- good, bad, or otherwise, they don't remain constant. Upwards and onwards!!! Can't wait to see you in July lovie!!! Let me know when it works for you to head to DM. I'm still planning on the BDay party too!!