Sunday, March 28, 2010

Room in my heart

Staying up late to write a post.....and by late I mean past 9pm. (sigh) What has my life become?? I am now a person who gets up at dark o'clock. Ugh. I now work 6am-3pm since I am working the EST time zone. Getting up that early blows but I am getting used to getting off at 3pm and still having tome during the day to get stuff done so....makes it a bit more bearable.

Well the BIG news is I can officially announce the newest addition to my family. My niece Holli gave birth to my grand nephew Cashten Mikel. He is beautiful and mother and son are doing well. I am so excited to come home and meet him in June. Love you Holli and love Cashten too!!

I want to give a really good reason for not writing as much this month as I had planned and the new schedule seems like a really good excuse but the truth is I have once again just been getting in my own way. I wish there was some kind of warning life could give us- like the arms that come down at railroad crossing that stop us when we are about to get into our own way. But life isn't that simple.

The hell of it is you hurt yourself when you do it but you hurt the people around you as well. It kills me to think of how much I have been hurting Chris because of my own stupid insecurities and by inner demons. I just have this need to push ahead and want more even than I have even though I know there are very good, sound, rational reasons for waiting and letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

It is my new challenge in life to relax, breathe and accept what the moment has to offer and to not let myself get upset or frustrated by what I don't have (yet).....especially when what I do have is so amazing and wonderful and more then I ever dreamed I would have in the first place.

So Chris- this is my public and heartfelt apology to you for letting you think for a second that you are anything less then my dream come true and thank you for all you have given me and how happy you make me everyday.

I wish it was as simple as boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. I mean, on the broadest possible scale I suppose that is what happens but damn it sure does leave out a LOT of details doesn't it?

I watched a really great movie this weekend called Feast of Love (Netflicks- check it out) and there was a scene where one of the characters was talking about a very sad tragedy and he said"Wow- god must really hate us. I mean, he must despise us to give us so much pain..." and the other character said "No, I don't think it works like that. I think God gives us all this pain because he also gave us such big hearts to be able to absorb all the pain. We couldn't handle so much pain unless we had big hearts too..."

The master appears when the student is ready and I think that is the message I was meant to get from the universe right now. Yes there is alot lot of pain in my life (and yours) but we wouldn't have gotten this pain unless we had the room in our hearts to wrap it up and make it better- and make ourselves stronger for having absorbed it.

That's all.....

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