Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Dark Day

So I can't shake the dream I had last night. I woke up feeling groggy and uneasy and that feeling has stayed with me all day. I got up at 9 only because I could feel myself on the edge and if I didn't get up just then I knew I would sleep all day and be trapped in limbo, listless and accomplish nothing.

Not that I have accomplished anything today.

I have been having a reoccurring dream that is always different but always has the same feeling to it. There is some type of action movie type adventure where there is a search and a hunt and clues to be figured out and trail to be followed and at the end I find my brother Troy hiding out somewhere. When I find him he is not surprised even though I am shocked, cuz when you find someone who is dead and is standing there in front of you as if they were waiting all along- it is a shock. And even though I have searched and am so happy to find him I also feel so betrayed and hurt that he left us. That he chose to hide himself away and not be a part of our lives. It makes me so damn mad that I am working my ass off everyday to hit my goals and be who I am meant to be and he punked out and just left the game. I want to hug him and punch him at the same time.

That's the dream and I have had it about 6-7 times now since Troy's death. I guess you don't have to be Freud to figure out the meaning but I was surprised by my reaction I have to say. I was never ok with the fact he killed himself but I never judged him for it and understood that it was the only choice he felt like he could make. I guess my own struggle this year has just really fueled some kind of fire in me that while I am working so hard to pull myself up to a better place- he gave up. I guess what is really in my heart is I am mad at him for not believing we were worth fighting for, that he felt like his own issues were more important than his love for his family. And maybe I feel like if I had done all this before maybe I could have showed him that you can overcome challenges that seem like they are too big to conquer. Maybe I could have inspired him and ultimately saved him.


Then my little dark cloud has lingered and been my halo today. I am hating my body today. I feel like I am melting and my skin is just hanging off me in sheets. I hate it. I hate my arms. I hate my thighs. My skin suit is as big on me as my clothes were before I got rid of them but I can't get rid of my skin and it doesn't seem fair that with all this hard work I still have to deal with that before I can really reap the rewards of what I have lost- weight wise that is. I even gave myself a sugar scrub spa treatment today but as I scrubbed away it just caused me to focus even more on what I hate about my body right now. Even my neck is all saggy and it makes me feel so ugly. I always had a glimmer of hope that when I hit my goal I would be widely considered attractive but perhaps not....maybe this is as good as it gets and it ain't that great.

I feel like crawling into bed and sobbing. That is what I want to do. What I will do instead is go get on the treadmill and keep crawling forward because what else is there? (somedays you sprint, others your is a crawling day)

Just know that every time I spout some high level inspirational thinking that is a messy gooey fucked up center to that tootsie pop....for what its worth.

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