Sunday, January 4, 2009

Looking back from the Other Side

First I want to thank you for riding along on my very emotional visit to the past. I was compelled to write it all down for my own sake. It actually feels incredibly self indulgent to have taken all that time to go through it all and try to reach for those details, some of which I am sure will fade with time and others that are seared into my brain and in my heart forever.

A part of me broke that day, that week. A part of me died right along my brother but to honor him and to celebrate his life I will do whatever I can to remember him and keep him alive for his children.

I will honor his death by making the most of my life.

So when some of you wonder how it is I can stick to a diet this is where I draw my strength from, actually I borrow it from my brother. He wasn't strong enough to hold on and wait out his bad time but now as he has crossed over he sends me, and everyone who loves him, strength to get through each day....and I said in my header, some more successfully than others!

Yeah, I can stick to a diet or pound away at the treadmill or have difficult (yet honest) conversations with the people I love about things they would rather not talk about....I can do all those things because I am alive and my brother isn't. He will never be able to hug his kids again so I will hug them every chance I get. He won't be able to talk to my sister and let her know how much he loved her so I will love her for the both of us. He won't be able to see our accomplishments but I have faith that he knows....somehow he knows and is with us always.

It was a long road to get through the memories of that week. I am utterly exhausted having gone through it all- I can only imagine what it must be like reading it. It was the worst, darkest, most painful week of my life and the memory of it is beautiful and precious to me. If it had to happen (and since when did we ever get a choice in such things?) I am glad for every moment and would not trade it for the world.

It's done. The first anniversary has passed and I am still standing. I have given my memories a pasture to roam around in, safe and secure and cherished. I will never be ok with losing him but I can move on with my life and make my life a living tribute to him and all the wonderful things about him.

Here my memories can live on and through everyone who has read this my brother will live on with in each of you.

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