Deep breath.....shake it off. Gooood.
Sorry for taking it so deep and staying there for so long but that was a story I needed to tell. Thanks for indulging me.
Back in the present life does roll on....
Week 1 of the "break" from the diet went better than expected (doesn't it usually happen that way, the things you spend so much time worrying about end up fine). It was just adding lunch but after not eating lunch for 9 months it was a bit like traveling to a city you used to know but haven't been back to in a long time. You have a vague idea about what to expect but so much has changed and you aren't the same person that you were the last time you visited.
After my doctors appt on 12/27 I rushed out and got a food diary and book to count carbs, fat and calories and have faithfully been recording everything I have eaten every day since.
Calorie counting, weighing and measuring food, diet journals....all the things I swore I hated and would never do I am now doing. There is just no escape from it and what I have learned is that if you are one of the people who say you want to change but are unwilling to do any of these things, well ....you aren't ready at all. You just have to decide what you are content with and embrace it. If you have an extra 30, 50 or 100 lbs and you want to change but aren't willing to measure, count and record then I submit to you that you need to just be happy with where you are. If you truly want to change you just have to, HAVE TO, suck it up and do what needs to be done.
I spent so much time wishing for change but never being willing to take those steps. That is what is sad, people lock themselves into years of misery because you get caught up in that limbo. I want to change but I won't do what I need to to make that change happen. Let yourself off the hook and commit to one path or the other. Be happy with your body or fight like hell for the body you want to have.
Today is day one of Week 2 of the "break" - I will go back onto the full version on Feb 8th. Today I added breakfast back into my life. Again, does not seem scary but part of this whole process is not just getting the weight off, in alot of ways that is the easy part. The hard part, and why I will NOT fail at this, is learning to eat and live healthy for the rest of your life. My god why did no one ever explain to us what an enormus amout of up keep our bodies require to be kept in good shape! Seriously, whoever was in charge of handing out that bit of info skipped my house entirely. Oh well, you can only move forward from where you are at...
I went to the store yesterday and got: bananas and apples (the first fruit I have had since March, and probably way before that truth be told), yogurt (many flavors to see which ones I will like), slimfast shakes (sub for the diet shakes), Kashi whole grain cereal and skim milk (skim never bothered me for cereal but 2% for lattes- yummmm god I miss them), whole wheat bread (oh bread, I have missed you most of all), deli turkey and lots of frozen Lean Cuisine meals (seriously, if you haven't tried the fish ones go get them now! I could literally live just on the parm fish with penne pasta alone and it's only 270 calories, yummy!) and string cheese!!
I didn't go too crazy as this is only for a few weeks but it is nice eating again. I know that sounds weird but I have been so removed from "real people" food for so long it's nice to meet some old friends.
I may have claimed in the past that I didn't like to walk on the treadmill because it was to "hamster running in a wheel" and while I hold to that -it may have not been the whole reason I wasn't using a treadmill.
The truth is, they scared me.
This may shock you just a little bit but I never have been on a treadmill before. Seen them, stood on them but never while it was operating. I have no clue how to work one and they also scare me a little bit the way escalators scare me. I know, just know that one day I am going to get sucked underneath one and the monsters that live under it and make it go round and round will get me. I am certain the same monsters live under treadmills as well. All of this (in my opinion) made for fine reasons to never get on one.
But it is cold outside -yes 50 is too cold to be walking outside in the dark! Plus I didn't have an ipod.
Ipods I think are the magical key to getting on and using a treadmill. I am still working on the source of the magic but the two are combined at the genetic level I am sure. That is why I told myself, until I had an ipod there was no reason to get on a treadmill. I mean really, what would the point be??
So I got the ipod (its pink! the Nano) and spent all day Friday loading my cd's into it. I must admit I was a big enough dork to have to watch the tutorials on how to use it- twice. God I am getting old...but I conquered the beast and now I have a fully functioning ipod and even downloaded some workout songs.
I was ready to face the treadmill.
Armed with my ipod and what I could only assume was the key to the fitness room in my condo's clubhouse....lived here 2 years, never been inside it, not even once. I walked over and opened the door (so that IS what that key is for, good to know) and walked inside. Thank god no one was there. If there was someone there I had planned to just peek them run away, well maybe not, but I am just glad I was there alone. I picked midafternoon as I figured that would be a quiet time of day.
In the fitness room there are 2 treadmills, 2 bikes and a big torture device looking thing that I am not going to concern myself with just yet. Baby steps...
I walked over to the furtherest (it is so a word) treadmill and stepped on. So far, so good. The conrol panel looked like something right off the bridge of the USS Enterprise, and the Data side, not the wimpy Will Crusher side! (yes I have an inner geek- sue me) I looked it over for a bit and decided to keep it on manual control. It asked for my weight...yeah right, like I am gonna tell some strange machine that info! I punched the start button and off we went. I played around with the speed and decided 3.0 was plenty speedy for me and a level 2 incline. While I had the magic ipod I decided I needed to focus this first time and didn't use it. I marched along and hit the mile mark and was done.
I have to admit that I was a bit wobbly after stepping off, all of the sudden the floor wasn't moving anymore. Once again I was glad I had to room to myself.
I have been back twice more (so a total of 3 sessions) and have made friends with the treadmill. I call her Bessy and we get along just fine. Today I went for 30 mins instead of stopping at a mile and felt pretty good afterwards and the ipod helps a ton- music IS the key, I knew it!!! Now the next hurdle will be working out with someone else in there...I dread going in and seeing someone on Bessy and I will have to figure out the other machine which looks cold and sinister compared to Bessy. Hmmm, perhaps I need to check it out next time I am alone there again.
Oh yeah, at my weigh in I was flat. No gain no loss- which I expected. The doctor said I should still lose during this month, maybe like 5 lbs total instead of 5 lbs a week. I am totally prepared to just maintain this month and if I lose anything it will be a bonus then on Feb 8th I will get back on the full diet and hit it hard until I reach my goal weight.
The end is in sight....it will be a good year!