Saturday, January 24, 2009

New World

I was just looking over what I have posted so far this year That is just a whole bunch 'o deep, gutwrenching stuff to absorb in just a few weeks. It makes me feel kinda bad for throwin it all on the table in one big, messy, throbbing gob like that....

on the upside -I- feel better, so there is that!

I really do feel like I have crossed over into a new level and am busy making camp in a slightly new world. Things are pretty much the same but some small yet spectacular differences have occured.

Things like- being able to smile when I think about Troy and not feel that hot knife cutting into my heart. There are still tears and sadness but I am starting to think more about the joy and good times now.

Things like shoe shopping!! With the lymphodema my feet swelled to about 3 times the size they are now so the only shoes I could wear were my Crocs and my velcro flip flops -which I had to get in a man's size to be able to fit my swollen foot. But NOW I just got 3 new pairs of shoes- 2 pairs have 2 inch heels!! Trust me, heels were NOT an option before and I always told myself I did not like heels or "girly" shoes but the truth is I couldn't fit into them so why long for something I couldn't have....until NOW!! What has changed though is the shape of my foot...due to all the wrapping I now have EE (extra wide) feet. No worries, zappos'com has a GREAT selection in my size. Love love love zappos!!

Things like working out. It is a bit mind blowing to think that I now do 30 mins on a treadmill everyday. I have only missed one day since I began "the break" and that was because I took a day trip to San Diego (and probably walked more than a mile at the airport). I even find myself looking forward to it. The Tracey of this time last year was so deep into grief she couldn't get off the couch let alone think about going hiking in the park or on the treadmill! Even without the grief I would go whole weekends without even leaving my condo. I might have to cut down on the exercise once I am back on the full diet but it will only be for a short while then it will be something I do everyday- forever. That's a pretty crazy thought.

Things like not having to size everything up to see if I will "fit". When you are a big person there are certain hazards you have to watch out for...stairs is a huge one. Especially in public. The last thing you want to do is strggle up a flight of stairs and try to pull off not looking winded as you huff and puff and try to look all casual like it was no problem. That is why I would walk an extra block to take an elevator or escalator any chance I could. Chairs are another big one, especially chairs with arms. It is just not fun to have to wedge yourself into a chair where your lovehandles leak out the sides of the chairs. It often looks like your ass is trying to eat the damn chair! Ugh.

I already talked about seatbelts on planes but another big one is getting into someone's car and clicking their seatbelts. Again, not a place where you want to look like an idiot trying to extend it alllll the way to the end and then still struggle to make it ::click:: So you don't wear it and essentially risk your life (or a ticket) because that is better than looking like a fat ass in front of whoever you are driving with.

Things like walking by a mirror. Frankly I am sick of checking myself out but I can't stop. It's not vanity, quite the opposite actually. It is a critical evaluation of myself from every angle. You may see the progress but I see the work that yet needs to be done.....and yet.......sometimes.....I can catch a glimpse and think "wow, I am soooo much smaller that I was" and THAT my a fucking cool thought to think.

Things like purging my closet. I am getting rid of things as fast as I can, even some favorite and beloved pieces (like the sweater my stepmom made for me- giving it away was like handing over my mother's hug). BUT I don't want a safety net. I want to burn the bridge behind me with every step I take so there is no place to go back to because this journey is a ONE WAY ticket. You can believe that!

So yeah, my world looks and sounds alot the same but it is a little bit lighter, both emotionally and physically. It is a little bit brighter. It is a little bit prettier and there is a beacon juuuust off in the distance witha HUGE finish line just waiting for me and I can't wait to get there!!

See you at the end!

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