Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Who can save me?
Current mood: grateful
I have said it before, my biggest goal behind writing this blog is it gives me some perspective and clarity into my own issues. As many of my nearest and dearest know I am big on dishing out the advice. One of my most beloved friends and I even call it having "WWTD" moments (what would tracey do?) heh
See... I can dole out the advice for everyone else BUT myself. However when I write out my issues and then come back and re-read them (which is only kinda fun cuz I already know how it ends) I can get some distance and perspective.
Ok- so what I have figured out from this last series of events is that I went into to the dating world with what started as the right intentions (flirting, having fun, meet new people) but what it quickly turned into was a hunt for someone to rescue and take care of me. I have been on my own for so long (please note I did NOT say lonely, there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely) that I just went overboard frankly. Of course those who know we well know it is beyond ironic that I would want anyone to save or rescue me- a job that I make quite clear does NOT need filling to almost everyone who knows me. During the week I was home for my brother's funeral my brother-in-law did a great job of really stepping up and taking care of the family. In a quiet moment my sister told me how glad she was to have him because he has been her "soft place to land". That phrase hit my heart and has stuck with me ever since. I think with the holidays looming I almost went into panic mode over the thought of being alone and wanting my own "soft place to land". I wanted to find someone who will be there for me and take care of me and hold me and protect me. I spend all my time trying to be strong for my family I got carried away with the ideal of having someone be that for me....
-and then something wonderous happened in Who-ville-
I started deleting "toxic" people from my phone. You know, those who get all the texts in our weaker moments?? Yeah, them. Gone. All gone. And as I deleted those 4-5 people I was scrolling through the 100 other entries in my phone. Most of them who are people who already love me, have been there for me, would LOVE for me to call them and who would do anything to rescue me and be MY soft place to land!
And you are probably even reading this message right now cheering at the idea that this notion has finally sunk into my head!
Well, it has and it is appreciated and I think the next phase of my healing is to not look for any outside force to "fix" or heal me OR hide away and do it all on my own...but to truly allow the love and support that has been around me for so long sink into me and fill up all those dark and lonely places because I do know you love me and want to help me and that you will always be there for me. I do know it and appreciate it and I will do my best to reach out in that moment and not just let you read about it later. :)
::::and what happened next on that glorious day? Well our hero's heart grew 3 sizes they say!!::::::::
I love you all and am utterly grateful for you....thanks for being my friend.
Thank you for saving me.