Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Current mood: sad

Category: Life

So the good news is I just won myself a new ipod off ebay. The bad news is my brother is still dead.

I picked up my mail on the way in the house after work today (4 day weekend- yay!) and there was a card from my sister with 2 gift cards. One was for Barnes and Noble so I went online and used that one right away and the other was for ebay. I am not an ebay person so this was a bit random (although greatly appreciated) so I hoped online to use it cuz if I don't use it now I will find in a year and wonder- wtf is this? The only thing in the world materialistically speaking I want is an ipod nano. Its been on my list for awhile so I decided to check them out. I found an auction with 10 mins left so I placed my bid. At 2 mins I was almost outbid but was able to counter and I won! (suckers!!) I now have a new pink nano for $112 minus the $50 gift card. So yay me.

But my brother is still dead.

I have been trying very very hard since last night to do something my niece and I talked about (and by talk I mean IM of course) last week. Sadness right now feels like a huge bone-crushing wave that is just about to overtake us. Now we have a decision to make. Do we give up and let it pull us under or do we try to swim on top of it? (just keep swimming) I have been doing my best to swim ontop of it. Work has been a stellar distraction. I have literally gutted the office (now that I am boss) and gone through all the files and every piece of paper in the place. There is literally not one single thing that does not have an organized, proper home right now. I have been using work to beat back the sadness like riot cops hold those sheilds in front of them to hold back the crowds. But now the office is closed until Monday and there is nothing left to do but let the memories come.

Without cracking open the entire can of family worms suffice to say that over the years my families xmas eve rountine has morphed and changed. What is tradition now, and has been for many years, is that we have a "sibling xmas" on xmas eve. When I am home we all gather at my sisters and exchange presents and sing and play games. I have to say my siblings are magnificant people all so this is always a very good time. The only downside is that I always have to keep an eye on my brother and sister to make sure they do not revert to our childhood and they start remembering how much fun it is to gang up on me and torture me. They are excellent button pushers as they were the ones who installed them originally.

Last year I was home and we did get together at my sister's house which is very much my primary home when I am in Iowa. I sleep at my Dad's but 90% of my time is spent at my sister's. We had gotten together at Troy's house the night or so before and played 80's singing games. To be fair we had to divide up the siblings, no fair to have 2 of us on any one team. We rock -way- too much.

Because that was so much fun when I was out shopping I had found the board game of the show "Singing Bee". We sat in a big circle and started to play. As per usual we quickly abanded the rules and just started reading the clues. It was a blast and we were horribly awesome at the game. Awesome at getting the right answers, horrible at the performance of the songs. The point of the game is to eventually get down to 2 players and have a "Final Countdown". Of course, no one on earth can hear that phrase and not sing the song right? Dooo do dot we sang it, a lot. I mean a HELLA lot and it cracked us all up to no end. (**and is now my text alert as a reminder of this night).

We eventually exchanged gifts and I had gotten Troy's name. I didn't shop in Phoenix so I had to do all my shopping last minute in Iowa and got his gift at Target. It was a complete afterthought. No effort whatsoever was put into it. I didn't even remember to grab him something until I was checking out and I just grabbed the new Dane Cook comedy CD thinking funny is better than mushy this year. So I gave it to him along with some books I was going to pass on to him anyways (the 3 of us had gotten into a book club of sorts where we shared the books we read- Toni and I are consistent but Troy playing with us was new and cool). So that was my gift, my last gift to my brother. He liked it I think, not sure if he ever listened to the CD but I hope so, and I hope it made him laugh. He had a great laugh.

We talked and played and everyone drank all the carmel Bailey's I had bought to get good and sloshed on. I think I had one drink before it was all gone (damn them all). And then Troy, Debbie, Nolan and Holli got their coats and left. We are big on hugging when we leave so I gave everyone a big hug and told everyone our family catchphrase "loveubye". (You have to say it as one word or it doesn't count) So I was standing by the front door and Troy came up to me and I gave him a big hug and told him "loveubye". Then he left without me having any idea in the whole world it would be the last time I ever saw him, spoke to him, touched him or got to hug him ever again in my life. Never ever again.

I have wondered since that night if I had known what was going to happen what I might have said to him... There are a million options but I guess they all boil down to a version of what we always say to each other or text to each other when we part.

loveubye...what else can you say? And as last words go to say to someone you love so very much, I guess they are better than most. I am glad I got to say them to him and they will hover in the air around the memory of that night, this night a year ago, forever.

loveubye Troy....I am thinking of you

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