Saturday, September 20, 2008
Current mood: thoughtful
Hi campers! I am finally feeling better after having a nasty cold. I haven't really been sick like that in forever so I am glad to have kicked it.
I am becoming my own science experiment. You know, a la putting the pototoe on the window ledge with toothpicks and watching it sprout roots? Only I hope to not be found there forgotten and all smelly and rotten after everyone forgot all about me...wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah...the changes in my body are fascinating, at least to me. I can't tell you how odd it is to experience these changes so slowly but consistently. I know things are changing a little bit everyday but it seems like all of the sudden you notice a whole chunk of things at once. And the fact the treating my lymphodema is ongoing and I can never know for sure how much of what I am seeing changing is due to straight up weight loss or fluid loss from the lymphodema. I guess the net result it the same since they share the same space (my body). I do know that because of my lymphodema I am probably hyper aware of my body, much more so than if I was just dieting. There is just something about feeling yourself up for an hour a day that makes you a little more aware of where all the lumpy bumpy bits are.
::for those just tuning in as part of my ongoing therapy for lymphodema I have to wear compression sleeves on both my legs and an 8 chamber, gradient, sequential pump basically squeezes the built up fluid in my legs up and out. While this is happening I have to massage my upper lymphatics (neck, armpits, tummy and groin) to stimulate the lymphatic system -cuz mine is broken- to push the fluid into its normal paths and be eliminated through the normal channels (yeah, there is a lot of peeing in my life now, fun eh?). Basically I knead my tummy like its a big wad of pizza dough and I do this for an hour everyday, usually when I get home from work.::::
I have noticed the biggest change in my tummy and thighs. They are very much looking like deflated balloons. I am doing everything I can do and read about how to tighten loose skin but I am gonna have to warm up to the idea that a nip/tuck is in my future. Hopefully by this time next year I will totally have the body I want. But in the meantime my tummy is starting to look like a fallen souffle. It is sunked in and getting wrinkly. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to see it...like I said, it is fascinating to see the progression. I am also starting to see some curves and less oval shapes. My office mate yesterday pointed out a bit more hour glass-ness to my shape and said my tummy area is really starting to flatten out. I guess I have carried the weight I have packed on over the years pretty well cuz even the girls at the clinic have said they wouldn't have guessed I weigh what I do. Good ...I guess?? It was cute, yesterday I got weighed (every Friday except for Dr. weeks then its Thursday) and my girl Crystal (pic in my gallery) was like "god, what are you doing??" ummm, the diet??!! I guess lots of people cheat and flux a lot more than I have. I have always lost every week. One week it was just one pound but then the next week I will have lost 6 or 7 lbs. Oh...and my new updated number is 110lbs.
And along those lines of sticking to a new/better way of thinking and without getting into a full blown rant about how the world (food industry specifically) is basically poisioning us with things we don't need and are making us all sick (another day) I wanted to give a HUGE endorsement for a book I found (2 actually). They are by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding and the title is "Eat This, Not That" (there is one for kids to). It is amazing and the info will blow your mind....stuff like at fast food restaurants most of the time the burgers are lower in calories than the fish or chicken. And at Outback, their cheese fries are 2900 calories for one order. It is crazy....I totally recommend picking them up.
I am still obsessed with my arms. They are changing the least in my opinion and it is frustrating. Now that I am so deep into this it all just feels like a race to get to my goal...or that could be me watching too much reality tv. I do want this to be done with as soon as possible. That is not to say that this will ever be over for me. I was talking to the girls at Smart for Life yesterday and there is a guy who has a pic posted on the bulletin board there wearing a t-shirt that said "Down 100" and they all signed it. (I made them swear they would not do that to me- who wants to have to wear a 2x shirt that says down 100...wait until I am a bit closer to goal) and they said he gained 50lbs back and is now back on the diet. I really do know that this is how life will be for the most part for the rest of my life. I think my relationship with food is finally shifting. I really do think of food as fuel now and not entertainment or as an emotional crutch. I was thinking about hamsters and how they eat those little pellets everyday and never think, wow...can I get some ketchup for these, they are a little dry?! Food is meant to put gas in the tank and as far as you want to go is how much fuel you need and no more. If you are going up a huge hill then fill 'er up. If you are sitting idle in the garage, you don't need much in the tank. This is really huge for me and I am committed to sticking to this way of thinking. Its sad to know that no one in the whole world neeeds snickers cheesecake cuz it is sooooo wonderful but it is true. And its really really hard to know that all that time I was thinking about how much I wanted to lose weight and make different choices it was a lie. I didn't really want to change anything and I always had the power to stop and change. It's like Dorothy and the ruby slippers, she had the power to go home the whole time. I have had to power and ability to change my life this whole time but allowed....whatever.... to make different choices for me. That's tough to come to grips with...its really hard to look in the mirror and know you really don't want what you are telling yourself you want because if you really did want it, you would move mountains to get it. I can want to be happy or thin or wealthy all I but unless I know what will make me happy (also not easy to figure out) and then put maximum effort into doing it then I am never gonna be and will only make myself miserable telling myself a lie over and over again. It's a total trap and one people waste their whole lives in.
So I leave you with this thought...from me to you. What do you say that you want but are doing nothing to change it -and- what are you going to start doing differently to get the things that matter to you?
Love you all