Sunday, September 14, 2008
Behind the curtain
Current mood: scared
Loneliness....the subject keeps being brought up to me. The very fact that I have been avoiding thinking about it is a pretty big clue that maybe it is time to get out the mirror and figure out what it means to me and why I get so defensive if asked about it. The people who have asked about loneliness have been in entirely different sectors of my life - maybe that means something, maybe it doesn't. I don't know.
The one person who I was speaking to accused me of lying to him, well not lying exactly but putting up a "false front". He is someone who I have been on the fence about whether or not I would want to date and so I was encouraging him to think of "us" in more casual terms.Well I got what I wanted because now he is traveling and is dating this chick in another city. I may not have wanted him but I certainly don't want anyone else to have him while I ponder the question and when I tried to explain this girl logic to him is when he said I gave him the impression that I currently have a full dance card of potential suitors so why should he wait around for me.....it would be a good point if it were even close to being true. (and the oscar for best actress in her own life goes to....ME!) The truth is that while I was a dating slut in Chicago (ohhh, the stories I could tell) since I have been in Phoenix I have not dated at all. In fact, the "dates" I have had since being here have all been recycles (aka- ex bf's) except for the gentleman I am referring to in this conversation. I even resisted when he first asked me out which was not-so ironically the day before I started the diet because I have been so deepin hiding mode. Since I have been in Phoenix I have locked down that part of myself totally. He took me out for my "last supper" the night before I started the diet and was (and has been) very supportive of my diet plans ever since.
So, why have I kept myself walled off? And I should point out that it is not just romantically that I have kept to myself. I have done it with friends as well. I do have a group of good friends here in Phoenix but I don't go out with all that much, and if I do it is usually one on one and never a big "night on the town" group thing. So why is that? In college my apartment was ground zero for fun. My bf Janet and I would have tons of people over at all hours and we were known as social butterflies. What changed? And I should say that it is all my fault, I never make myself available or indicate in anyway that I would want to get together or go out. Totally my fault.
The truth is- I am terrified of being alone that is my biggest fear and what makes me tremble even right now writing it. Before Troy died he was reaching out and talking to me (and my sister) more than he ever had in our whole lives- we had conversations that lasted for hours and that is what I learned about him. We shared the same fear of being alone. It probably came from our parents divorce (no judgment- just an it is what it is thing) and he took it one way and I took the same fear another way. His way of dealing with that fear was to take what he loved the most and built high walls around it to never let anyone else in -or out- of the world he built and when that world was threatened (whether it was real of percieved) he couldn't handle it.
I took that same fear and I internalized it. I slowly started cutting people out of my life and not letting people get close to me so they could never hurt or disappoint me. Can't leave me if you never get close. Haha- aren't I clever? And didn't being overweight serve its purpose then? The bigger I was the fewer people wanted to get close to me- both friends and potential men. I knew people were judging me and I used that to my advantage. If I am deadly honest with myself I had been on the long slow suicidal path for years. I knew I was killing myself with my weigh and I remember vividly having that thought and thinking, well good then. It will save me the trouble later. That is why Troy actually doing what I had been trudging towards so slowly for so long was the wake up call for me that it was.
Now here it is months into the "getting my life on track" plan and I have disocvered something and this is the kicker- I may have fogotten how to be social. I think I still have some game in the dating world cuz I was someone able to get my confident swagger on with the boy (who knows where that will lead but I am open and that's a start). Now I just have to figure out how to not oversell it and find that right person who can give me what I need while I am still going through all these changes....will it be him? I don't know but I do know I am more open to it now that I ever have been. So friends.....help me help myself. Please feel free to start asking me to party. I do want to go and even though I may still come up with a thousand excuses not to go I really do want to be asked and get back out there. Put me back on the list to be asked and don't let me back down. I may look all put together but see through the lie and help me help myself.
When I was talking to the gentleman in this story about all this I kept using the phrase "letting him look behind the curtain" a la the Wizard of Oz. Now you have all had a peek. It ain't pretty - in fact its dirty and scary- but at least it's honest and that's more than there has been for a long long time.