Saturday, September 06, 2008
There’s no place like...
Current mood: nostalgic
I miss my family. I am sitting here in my condo with not a ton to do and this weekend if my hometown's big celebration. It's called Pufferbilly Day's (ok, the explanation...a Pufferbilly is a type of steam engine and my hometown -Boone, IA- is a railroad town). Growing up it was always semi-lame and rumour has it not much has changed but it was still something you looked forward to and would tend to see random people out and about that you did not see on a day to day basis. I miss that about a small town. When I go out I rarely will run into anyone I know and for the most part that is what I like about living in a city. It was the same feeling when I lived in Chicago. You could just roam around and be invisible. But somedays and sometimes it is nice to swing into the aisle of the grocery store and see and old friend from High School. I have been getting some "out of the blue" invites from myspace and facebook of old classmates (I am guessing a delayed reaction to our 20th High Scholl reunion) so I think that has had me thinking about life back home as well. I can't imagine living my life there now. So much has changed for me yet I am still glad I came from a smalltown. When I do come back I am always saddened how it all seems the same, yet when I see any little thing that has changed my first reaction is that it should have stayed just as I left it!
I also am missing my family so much right now. With my "big" announcement I want to celebrate with the people who mean the most to me and while I have posted and sent pics it is not the same. I am jealous that everyone lives so close by each other- even though it was my choice to move so far away. I keep thinking about the flight home after Troy's death and how it was the most single painful experience of my life. I was drained emotionally, tired to the point where my whole body ached and was pretty hysterical and a sobby mess the whole way. I am actually kinda shocked looking back on it I even managed to catch my connecting flight. I felt like each mile I flew away from my family was a cold dagger twisting and twisting into my heart. And at that point I felt like there were only teeny shredded bits of my heart left. I decided too late that I wanted someone to pick me up from the airport and couldn't reach anyone so when I got off the plane it was like I had died and left my soul back in Iowa.
I want to go hang with my sister and play Toni-Oke (have to experience it to know). I want to grab my cousins and go shopping. I want to grab my nieces and nephew and go to a movie (Aunt Tracey night). Or I want to sit in my Dad's living room and listen to him go off about politics for hours and hours. I want to go over and see my Grandma and have her tell me stories about when she grew up because we don't know enough about our own history as a family and she will be gone sooner than any of us expect. I want to pick up my brother and go driving around the park at midnight like we did on restless summer nights when he was young- singing songs on the radio and adding our own crazy antics to them. And I want to go see Troy's grave and talk to him and explain how it hurts everyday that he is not here and I can't imagine that there will be a day when my heart doesn't break all over again thinking about him.
I love and appreciate my family all so much and I will totally call them out here (beloved family members who are reading this) because you guys have the chance to do all that stuff and soooo much more everyday and you don't!! That kills me. I'd give anything to have you guys come out here (Toni and Dave will be here soon- yay!) or be able to just hang out with each of you. You all live in the same town (or close) and you don't!?? I don't get it....it breaks my heart and its wasted time.
So my hometown family and friends...do me a favor and leave me a note from home. Tell me what you love about Boone (or your own hometown for everyone else) and please know I miss you soo soooo much.