The Art of Taking it Slow

So this new world is kinda weird. There are no set rules or "hafta's" in my day right now. I am free to do what I want when I want to do it for the most part- excluding of course being at the whim of a certain 33" tall  person who shall remain nameless.

The weekends are completely different right now- gone is the pressure to spend one whole day just doing the housekeeping stuff. The things that piled up all week because we were too tired and busy and now have to be jammed into one day. Our weekends usually consisted of one day where we were out of the house for most of it running around town getting errands done and one day in the house doing laundry, cleaning, or just catching up in general. Now I can go to the grocery store at 7pm on a Tuesday if that is what works for us because I don't have to be up at 5 am so we have to have a drop dead time of 7pm to get anything done otherwise there was not enough time to wrap up the day and get Q settled for bed.

Not gonna lie it is nice.

I have been pretty proud of myself actually. I have been resisting the urge to jump head first into a jam packed schedule of groups and activities to keep Q and I occupied. I am a planner and like things organized so I have started doing some research into some free or low cost options of stuff to do in the AZ summer for us but we have not ventured out to any of them just yet.

Maybe its just because Phoenix Comic-Con is this weekend but I will admit to feeling the push/pull feeling to get hyper organized and be - SuperMomma! (da da da daaaaaaa)

I am feeling small pangs of guilt and urges to "should" myself (I should be doing this, I should be doing that...) however I am patting myself on the back for resisting those urges and just really focusing on being here.....now.....with my daughter.

I have spent the last 18 months fantasizing about how great it would be to just spend time with my baby. To be perfectly frank I am just not ready to share her with anyone else. I have been working my brains out to get to this point where I can be with her so why do I want to pack our days with running back and forth to places and things when what she needs- and god knows I need- is to just spend time together.

I am loving the hell out of just getting to know my baby. Getting brushed up on Quinnspeak and finding she is upping her vocabulary game to be able to better talk to momma. Talking her through the letter of the day on Sesame Street (or Elmo as she calls it). Spending our mornings snuggled on the couch just because its where we both want to be and not kicking myself for feeling like I am lazy or should be doing a zillion other things.

It's really amazing how easy and hard these past few weeks have been since my little world got flipped with the new of the lay off. Most all of my co-workers found other positions still within the company which is great for them. I admit I have this feeling of panic of "shouldn't I at least be applying for jobs- just in case??"

The answer is no- Chris and I have been planning for this day and the fact that it was chosen for me instead of me quitting a couple months before we were planning on pulling the trigger should not spook us. In fact it has been a huge blessing for him to be freed up to work full time (and by full time sadly that means 20 hours a day- I am not kidding). So keeping those moments under wraps is hard- I am finding a long cuddle and nuzzling a Q neck usually brings me right out of it.

I am looking forward to starting to explore and have big adventures with Q. I am sure we will find new friends and places and (god help me) crafts to do but for now I am putting on the brakes and just enjoying being here....now.....with my family.

To quote a Queen...

We are just 15 days into my "unemployment" (I am officially employed until June 13th) and it's been really nice to just relax. Not having to get up at 5am means I can stay up past 9pm and because Momma is up Q has adjusted her schedule accordingly too. It really has been heaven to have cuddle time in the morning and just be with my family and yet...

I feel this sense of "something is missing". It's that "did I turn off the coffee pot" feeling- mild anxiety while talking yourself into the fact that everything is fine. That unshakable feeling that something is not right.

I don't have to set my alarm.
I don't have any meetings or conference calls.
I don't have to do anything right now cuz I can do it when Q naps.

I was just talking to my husband (while he is between HIS conference calls) and explaining my current head space to him. I was wondering even this morning if I really am a person who can live without a signature line in my email. Can I really truly be a stay at home momma? I really have no idea.

We were going to be putting Q in a toddler program for the summer to give Chris some work time and let Q get socialized but I am putting that on hold until fall so we can find our routine. I need to start doing some research and figure out what we can do as it starts getting HOT outside. I need to find out where all the cool moms go- literally!

So as I start getting the house organized (long overdue) and getting a Q on a new schedule and start finding some activities to keep us busy my inner dialog keeps asking me- can you do this? For reals?

I have to admit its scary to think of not earning a paycheck. I pretty much insisted Chris quit his gig and start his own business when he moved in 4 years ago and since it takes awhile to build a new biz I also accepted the role of steady income earner. To not have my own check seems surreal to say the least. It really has nothing to do with income to the house- I am confident Chris can more than cover my income with his new venture but its MY earnings that will be missing. It just feels weird.

I have been running with the other rats for so long- racing for the piece of cheese some bastard keeps moving I don't know if I can stop.

As I have been finding a new appreciation for Disney movies I will quote the very current and trendy Elsa....it is time to (gulp)

let it go......

All of Me- for you

I have been blessed with love.

Five years ago I met a man who changed every part of me. He is kind, gentle, loving and my true soul mate in every sense of the word. Tomorrow is our 3rd anniversary but we are celebrating tonight because tomorrow he has to apply nose to grindstone and focus on the prize- our future.

I know so many wonderful women who are looking for love and I can only begin to hope they have a chance to experience a love like I was so deeply blessed to find. I hate to over use that word but I really don't know another way to describe the gift of his love but as a blessing for surely it was sent to me by powers greater than those on this earth.

I said that his love has changed me and yet it seems ironic that while I am changed I am more myself today than I ever have been. It is only through this love that I have been able to become the wife I am (and continue to learn to be) and the mother to our beautiful and precious daughter. I can look in the mirror every morning so secure in the knowledge that I was meant to be his wife and her mother. Love did that to me.

Christopher George- I need you to know how wonderful life is because of you. I want to thank you for all the joy and even the heartache we have experienced together because it has colored the pages of our life. 

I want you to know how honored I am to have you as a friend and partner. I want to thank you for making me your wife and for the greatest gift of all- the gift of being a mother. I can safely say that Quinn would not be who she is without you (mini-me...or rather mini YOU)

I love spending everyday with you and simply can not wait for our future- but not so much that I don't drink in every moment of the present.

It's simple- I love you. Deeply, passionately, and without reservation. I trust you. I respect you and I even just plain like you!

Thank you for 5 years of adventures and 3 years of wedded bliss. It's been grand my love- more?!!

All of me,

Tracey Luann

The Perfect Job

For those who did not get the newsflash on Facebook this past Monday (May 12, 2014) I was officially laid off from my corporate job which I have had for the last 4 years and 10 months.

Technically I am still employed until June 13th as we have been given some time to find a new position within the company. On the 13th I will receive a severance package if I have not found a new internal position. Those are the cold, hard facts of the state of my world.

The question everyone so nicely has been asking is "how are you doing?" To answer there needs to be a little back story...

I first took my "current" position right as Chris and I started dating. It was my firm belief and goal that he needed to quit his gig and start his own business and it made sense after years and years of head hunting and being paid only commission that we have at least one stable income while he launched his biz. He has done very well with Reyactive LLC and it has been slowing building for the past few years. Meanwhile I kept trudging along in the corp salt mine. Now to be very clear- I am and have always expressed my very pure gratitude for my job. It has been there to help us get married and to have a Quinn but my heart was never ever in it. It is and always was a J O B. I didn't bring it home at night and it was not how I identified myself- which frankly was a first for me and something I really struggled with during my days there.

I honestly felt a pang every time I saw one of those "live your passion" memes because while I have plenty of dreams and passions there was something I was doing for my family that was far more critical for us- its called putting a roof over our head and feeding us. I get the higher calling- I really do but for all you who preach the "life is too short to not follow your dream" please remember that someone can work just a "job" and still be living their dream- security for their family. Just a little food for thought the next time you get a little judge-y.

So back to the corp world- while a big huge company can provide the illusion of security I have been through a grinder or two so I never ever let myself get to comfortable. I always have had an eye open and a Plan B. My particular dept has been on the short list far too many times and finally it got cut. While we were getting the news I have to say my first emotion was relief. When you are constantly fearing and waiting for  the other shoe to drop its kind of a relief when it does. It's like "OK- that's done....now what?"

So no shock and awe here other than just than a 2 minute panic attack on the way home. Our call was at 9am so when I walked in the door at 10 my husband was shocked but not really. Ironically I was supposed to be leaving Tuesday to go on a business trip which would have been my first night away from Quinn. Man plans- God laughs I guess.

Anyways- so all that is really to say I am OK with what has happened. I do have some financial runway to make adjustments and the real truth is we have been working to get me home since I got pregnant. If you pay attention to my husbands posts at all you know he is launching something BIG- so big that we were already prepping that I would be able to quit by August so really all corp USA did was steal my thunder!

I have been thrown a few leads but I have to say I did get one offer I could not turn down. My new employer has made it clear that the budget is tight and there is little advancement opportunities but it does come with some perks that are pretty amazing- unlimited huggles and cuddles and nuzzles! I am going to try my hand at being a full time momma!

I have a whole other blog post about my emotions on this but for now I can announce how happy and thrilled I am to be with my baby girl from her first smile in the morning to her last sigh as she falls asleep.

I will also be stepping up and working more with Chris on our business so more on that as well!

All in all I am blessed beyond belief and thanks to all who have offered support and good wishes! I am worried, scared, excited, happy......I could go on but you get it!

Damn- I am gonna have to get a Pinterest account now aren't I?? :::forehead slap::::

Mean Mommies

As a new mom I am still figuring out  this whole mommy world. It really is like entering a foreign country where you don't speak the language but got plopped right down in the middle of this new land so now you have to sink or swim.

Most days it feel more like sinking.

I am pretty savvy with doing research so while I was expecting I got all the baby classes scheduled, researched the best products, interviewed multiple pediatricians and read every blog and post I could find to arm myself with knowledge on how to be the best mommy I could be. My situation was a little different because I wasn't having my child when all of my peers were so I didn't have a community of "mommy friends" I could tap into who were ready with hand-me-down onesies and tips on which was the best breast pump to get. I had to go it alone.

So Q is now 18 months old and I feel like we have done pretty well just us. Chris and I do our best everyday and we are blessed with a pretty easy going kid but at some point we do need to let her interact with the world and get her socialized.

We have gone out to the parks, children's museums, kid themed restaurants and Q does great with other kids. She even got her first kiss from a 2 year old Lothario named Jaden while waiting at a restaurant looking at a fountain. He snuck the first one in but when he came back for more Q put up her hand to block him. (#proudmommymoment)

The one thing I did not expect in all this child rearing stuff are a group of  women I have come to call in my head the "mean mommies". Now I have no interest in mom shaming and I do my best to not judge other parents because I am far too busy with my own shoes than to walk a mile in theirs. Still I feel this is an earned name because as I step into "their" playground turf holding the hand of my beloved child- watching to see where her eyes go and see which directions she wanders (slide? wow! ladder thingy? yay! sand? nommy!!) I see them in their tight little pack with their collective brood who is running about the playground marking their territory. I swear when they see us coming they step even closer together sending a big ol- why are YOU here vibe to us?

Now Q is so little and she just wants to play so I feel she ducks this pretty easily but I get caught in it like a fly in a web. Any thoughts of going up and making some new mommy friends are quickly nixed. There is no welcoming, no warmth, no cooing at each others kids exchanging vitals. "how old?" "what's his/her name?" "how many teeth?" It's total mean girl lock down and no one else is allowed in.

I could almost convince myself it is just me if not for the poor dad I met at the park Friday. I was scoping out a new park that was a bit out of the way and seemed a bit more friendly and cozy than others we have been to so far. Aside from the MM's the only other people there was a dad and his 17 month old daughter. Poor guy was clearly out of his element trying to chase his girl, get her to drink from a fountain (no sippy cup?!! boy did he get a look for that!) and get all the sand out of her shoes.

Our 2 girls gravitated towards each other and began the process of checking each other out- holding hands, grabbing each others toys, his kid sticking her finger in Q's mouth (??!!- eh? Q didn't mind) so we introduced ourselves and the girls as they played. We talked a little and then Q grabbed a ball that one of the big kids had brought so I quickly asked the MMs if that was ok?

Even thought it was 90 degrees the look I got was worthy of Elsa it was so frosty. I looked back at my new dad friend and in one glance I knew he was thinking the same thing. He said he had been there an hour and they never spoke to him once.

Now I get it- clearly they are friends. Their kids go to the same school. They have a solid group of long term friends. They are involved in each other lives and I am just someone who grabbed my kid wandered into their world. But isn't this for the kids? Aren't we supposed to be setting an "everyone is welcome" environment? If they see you excluding someone how can you tell them not to do it themselves? In fact- they already are following your example as not one of the kids even glanced at Q. And when you are so busy talking ABOUT your kids to each other instead of interacting with them in the moment what are you teaching?

Sorry ladies but I pass. Give me the strays of the group. We will make out our group of misfit "Idon'tknowwhatIamdoingcanyoupleasehelp" parents. Our kids will get messy and crazy but they will welcome all the other kids and have fun.

 And I will be right there with them soaking up as much of these toddler days as I can!

Where the heart is

Who am I? Where should I be right now? What would really make me happy? At any time these questions are rolling through my head. Even more so since I became a mother! I am not gonna lie- as the days of my maternity leave came to an end I got more and more depressed and starting the week before I went back to work and lasting for the first 6 months I pretty much cried myself to sleep and was still crying as I left the house. I counted down every second and would literally run into the house to pick up my baby and cuddle her close. I felt with every fiber of my being that I was damaging her by not being there when she needed me the most. I had stopped breast feeding by the time I went back so it wasn't the food issue but I felt she just needed ME to be there with her. 

Truth be told I still tear up at least once a week as I kiss her forehead while creeping out the door.

Luckily we have been able to swing our schedules so while I am at work Chris can be the primary caregiver then we tag out when I get home so he can work on his business and on those days we need extra coverage we have a sitter who comes to our house. It has worked out as well as can be expected and despite my fears and worries Q is a very happy and well adjusted kid.

Still my soul literally screams that I should be home with her. 

I am very luck to have a solid job that has given us stability and any of you folks who have a brilliant entrepreneur in the family as I do know that as a business gets launched it sometimes takes a supplementary income to balance out those highs and lows. I am beyond grateful to have a job that provides for my family and we have been very grateful and yet I have to say it is more of a struggle than I imagined being a working momma.

It's not the hours, or the juggling or the multitasking even that bothers me. It really is just that stronger than steel bond I have with my daughter that pulls me to her and causes me physical pangs of longing when I am not with her. And let me be clear- never in a zillion years did I think I would have feelings like this. I had settled into the "motherhood is not for me" boat and was just fine. I had made peace with the fact that having a kid was not on my to do list and that was perfectly ok. 

And then a boy came along.....

And then a baby girl was born....

And my need to be with them is tangible and physical and so powerful it is overwhelming. 

I need to figure out who I am and what my passion is now but for now the title I really want is....Momma.

Someone thinks you are special

I was just reading a blog called Single Dad Laughing about Dan (the author) sending out a text to 218 random people basically telling them they are special. You can click the hyperlink to read the responses for yourself. Some are funny, some are sad and most did not reply.

It's the ones who did not reply who I am thinking about. Did they just delete as a wrong number or did they for even a second stop to let the message soak in? Were they able to believe for a single moment that someone in the world truly did think they are special and deserved being told so?

My guess is no. We are so hard wired to push away compliments- especially when we feel they are undeserved. I have to admit my husband and I are both very bad at just accepting the love and nurturing and unconditional love that we heap upon each other- and we do- yet there are still those little voices we all have that whisper "not you- no one could love you." Not true of course- totally the opposite in fact and yet....

I have 248 contacts in my phone....I wonder how many of them (you) know how much I love and appreciate them.      

Perhaps I will poke a few to find out :)

*****update: I have sent out about 75 messages and lots of awesome comments have been sent back including this one from my husband.*******

I highly suggest doing this and if you got a message from me just pay it forward to someone else ! 

Looking back to move forward

It had occurred to me that there has been a significant gap in time since I have last put my thoughts out into the universe and some of the people in my life are brand new to this blog and are not aware of why it started and what it means to me.

It really started in 2008 and just to give you some scope it started on MySpace (I wonder if Tom misses all his "friends"?). I started it right after I lost my brother after he committed suicide. I spent a gut wrenching week with my family and when I came home I felt so alone and isolated that by writing the blog I could keep connected to my family and friends who knew me- and my brother- the best.

It was in the healing process of learning to live with my brothers death that I start a weight loss journey eventually losing 200 lbs. I also lost my beloved Grandma who means the world to me .

I also had many single girl dating disasters and eventually met and married my husband. That's pretty much when I stopped for many reasons which I may or may not rehash later.

What happened in the gap is  something I will probably bounce back to in time so I won't go into any great detail except tp say the most amazing thing I have ever done happened- I became a mother to the most beautiful child in the world. Her name is Quinn and if anyone is reading this you probably already know all about her. :) 

If you do care to visit the archives I will tell you especially the early posts are pretty raw emotions. I have always done my best to keep this place pure and honest. This is my no BS zone and I really mean that for myself more than anything else. This is a space where I get real and honest with myself. This is my time to sit in front of the mirror and really dig into it (whatever "it" is at the time).

Next- the reason I have named this blog Laughing Stars- I still can't read it without crying and as I looked this up to post here I had a vision of reading this to my daughter to explain to her why this is important to Momma and I lost it....I love you Troy and Grandma. Watch over us....we need your love!

From The Little Prince:
"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"


"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"


"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'

Know thyself

As I start getting back into this blog and give my inner voice a mic I have been randomly clicking through the archive to read past entries. I don't know if every writer has this experience but once I write something it's like I have deleted a file and it's gone from my head. My main purpose in blogging was always to clear my head so in that sense it is good to get it out and clear the decks but it's so odd to me to re-read past entries. 

I recognize my writing voice and clearly I wrote it but it's almost like reading someone else's diary even though it happened to me. Like I said that might seem cray-cray to you all but it's even odder for me. Even so I am glad to have this to refer back to and experience again. The time after losing Troy was so utterly life changing and in the time since literally everything in my life had changed. 

I really haven't decided what I am doing with this yet but I do know it felt good to come back here and curl up for a bit. Thanks for coming along :) 

Because I'm Happppeeeeeee

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.- Ferris Bueller"

There is no question life in at Cayer Castle is crazy. There are several project launches, full time J O B S, normal daily maintenance and oh yeah there is life with a VERY active toddler named Quinn. So with all this craziness what's a momma to do so life gets not only lived but fully appreciated?

Enter the #100happydays challenge! If you haven't heard of it click on the link for the origin but basically it is taking a minute to find what makes us happy- take a pic and post it with the hashtag. Easy peasy! 

What I like about this is it helps us focus and reframe all the chaos that is constantly swirling around us- well, me at least!!  :) 

Even more fun is I have thrown out this challenge to my family to participate in as well. Is this going to change the world? Maybe not today but what it can do is help make the bad stuff quieter and give voice to the really good stuff that is just sitting there waiting to be noticed. 

Feel free to join in!!

Here is my first post: My teenaged wish list for my dream man: cute, quirky, has an accent, brown eyes and someone who would sing to me. He is my dream come true and so much more. Happiness starts with him. #100happydays #myhusband #theboy

I love your Curves and all your Edges

I love you. You have stood tall and proud on this earther for nearly 44 years. There have been many obstacles to overcome and you have kept your head down and kept on moving the chains even when it seemed hopeless. You care deeply about so many things and when something hurts you it hurts so beautifully that your whole being feels the pain. Never change that- keeping yourself open to things that can hurt you is what makes you so amazing. You have hope- even when there doesn't seem to be a reason to hold out.

You are quick to smile and to laugh and to help a friend in any way you can. You are thoughtful and often will buy or send someone something that they mentioned in passing just to make them smile. You love giving the people around you reasons to smile and will do whenever you can to let them know you care.

You are organized and do a great job at keeping things on track and moving in the right direction. Your attention to detail has save more than one butt over the years including your own.

You have soft, tender eyes and thick, lush hair and are very huggable.

You have inspired many with the journey you have taken and there are many who can't wait to see what comes next.

You have the cloak of a true and good man about you all the time. You can know at every minute of every day you are loved completely to the core of your being and that you love equally in return.

You created the most beautiful little girl in the world. She has your gentle heart and every time you look at her you can know you have done what you were put on this earth to do.

You aren't perfect Tracey- none of us who walk this earth are- but you are very special and I love you.

***I was inspired to write this by my husband who is always asking me to see in myself what he sees and also by a lovely lady names Tatiana who goes by the name @beatfacehoney on Instagram. She posted a note to herself and it made me think how lovely it would be if we all did the same. It wasn't easy but if I am going to teach my daughter to love herself completely I need to start with myself.

Finding my voice

Om - Divine Guidance Oracle Cards

The meaning of this card is two-fold. Firstly, it is calling for more time in meditation and prayer. Energetically you are needing some time alone with yourself, in your inner-space. Through meditation you are able to connect more deeply with your highe...r-self and your guides. Energetically, this is vital for you. Secondly, this card calls you to focus on the power of your voice to facilitate the opening of your throat chakra. This vocal expression, whether through chant, prayer or even singing, is important for you right now.

So this is from a FB app I pulled today....one of my friends had it on her page and I clicked on it on a whim (isn't how they all getcha?)

I have to say this is pretty much spot on for where I am in my head right now. After the last blog (did you read it? yeah- neither did anyone else) I sat down with Chris and told him what I posted (he hadn't read it either- told ya you weren't alone). Now the irony is that his business is really taking off (yay!) and one of the biggest things he is doing is what he calls "Business Modeling" where he sits down with someone and basically crawls into their gray matter and helps to guide them to where their path is in life then he helps them roadmap how to get there. Pretty handy eh?

Expect the issue is that I need to find out who I am as a separate entity from my husband so although I am blessed with the world greatest resource I can't use him because that would defeat the whole purpose of me finding out who Tracey Cayer is separate from Chris.

So back to the car d reading- the second bit about finding my voice is pretty key for me right now. I spend a lot of time at Chris's office and am often asked my opinions about stuff but I find myself holding back because that is not my world and not my place to really assert myself. It's so funny that I spent so much time and effort when we were first dating to bring Chris into my world and get him connected with all the movers and shakers I knew that now that he has his own relationshipsand a solid network all on his own it is me who is feeling left out and out of place. Now because of anything he (or anyone else) has done but because I have not made a home for myself inside my own skin.

I really feel like I have been on this single minded destination for so long- I was the point person for most of the wedding planning so for the last 8 months or so that has been my all consuming thought. It is awesome to not have to think about flowers or favors or any of that stuff anymore and I don't miss being in that hyper planning mode at all!

Now its time to shift gears and my energy back to me. Chris is well on his way to building his empire. I have done all I can to help him put a solid foundation down to keep it solid and stable.....now me.

What do I want to do? Where am I going next as a woman? As a wife?

So the first part of the card sounds like a good plan for now. Time to get into my own head and heart and see what is there for me....

The new Tracey

:::tap, tap:::::::

is this thing on?

does anyone care anymore?

Are you still out there?

I wouldn't blame you if you had moved on. I have been hiding out- mostly from myself. Don't get me wrong some amazingly wonderful things have been happening in my life not the least of which is I married the man of my dreams. If that is the only thing I had to report it would be amazing and mind blowing and a lifetime dream come true.

For those of my "friends" on Facebook- you pretty much are up to speed with the pictures and the schmoopiness of all the wedded bliss but this space is for something else- at least today it is. Today this space calls to me to ask the question "Hey Tracey- where did you go?"

Pretty powerful question actually.

I am not sure of the answer.

I feel a bit lost to tell the truth. Somewhere in the last little bit I have lost "ME". I let go of "me" and have kinda of drifted.

It was a conscious choice and very deliberate. I told myself all kinds of reason and excuses for doing it. I needed to focus on helping Chris grow his business. I needed to plan the wedding. I needed to take a break from all the ups and downs and drama that my life had been.....

None of that is the real answer.

The truth is I have been hiding and I feel like I have been losing myself.

I guess part of what is underscoring this right now is going through the process of changing to my married name.

Again- let me be crystal clear. I am happy and thrilled to take Chris's last name as my own. I am very proud of him and excited to be his wife and start creating a new family under the Cayer name. There was never a question of doubt that this was the right choice for me and it is a good thing.

That doesn't mean it's not a little sad for me as well......

It really feels like I am shedding a skin and on the verge of becoming a new person. Tracey Herrick is disappearing....with each account I update I feel she is slipping away a bit more and that is kinda sad. I went through a lot with her and she was always there for me. So as I shed one skin and start looking in the mirror at the new person that is emerging it worries me that I don't know who she is or what she is about.

I don't know what she wants from life, what her passions and dreams are and how she is going to get there.

She is standing there- all blinking and brand new and I am not sure what to do with her.

I guess I will have to take her for a test drive, maybe go out for coffee and talk a bit.

I hope she likes me......

The Engagement

On March 19th Christopher George Cayer asked Tracey Luann Herrick to be his bride and she said yes.....

Many of you are aware that this whole wedding thing has been in the works for some time so the proposal was not exactly news of the century. However that does not mean that it wasn't one of the most wonderful, special and romantic days of my life.

To back up a bit I have to explain why we waited to make "the big announcement" when it was a foregone conclusion. Chris and I have made a habit of doing things in our own way and this sometimes conflicts with his traditional nature. I was always fine with plowing ahead and planning the wedding, getting the rings whenever and filling in the blanks as we went. The boy had other ideas.....

For me, to be engaged all that needed to happen was a certain question be asked. For the boy- he couldn't ask the question until he had a ring in hand to present as a symbol of said commitment. This created a bit of a stand off and my own quirk was I didn't feel I could call myself engaged if I had never been asked "the question" so we decided to keep the wedding quiet and really only tell the close family and friends who we were inviting about it. We are only having about 35 people total so this was a short list.

We had actually picked out rings a few months ago once we started to plan the wedding so when we were ready for the big step we went to check them out and in true girly fashion I totally changed my mind and picked out something completely different than I had before.

Saturday morning we did our normal errands then Chris disappeared to do "boy stuff" and I was told to be ready at 5:30. I was all gussied up when Chris burst through the door with a dozen roses in hand as he hopped in the shower to get himself ready to roll. As we started out Chris started asking me questions about our life together and my best memories which I soon found out was the theme for the night- memory lane.

Our first date was at a place in the Biltmore Fashion Square Mall (a pretty high end mall for the non AZ folks) called True Food. We didn't go there but in some ways even more fitting we went to a very nice restaurant in the same locale called Christopher's. Chris said he wanted to make sure the branding was consistent (little marketing humor). We had a wonderful meal and chatted about our memories all through dinner.

After that vour next destination was the sight of another of our first dates and the place where we took what you all know now is our engagement photos- the Double Tree Resort in Scottsdale. It was the night of the SuperMoon and it was bright and beautiful as we strolled the grounds and took in the peace and beauty there. We ended up at their dock where we took a turn in the gondola boats they have and was serenaded by an Italian opera singer. The only imperfection was the couple we were doubled up with chatted through the whole song. (sigh)

We left the resort and headed to our final destination- the courtyard of the Borgata. This location was where Chris took me on my first ever picnic date and we have often gone back there to enjoy the fountain, the purple twinkle lights on the tress and listen to the music they have playing there. He picked this location because he felt it was when he truly won my heart. He brought some goodies with him which included wine (including new glasses), a chocolate fondue set, strawberries, blackberries, marshmallows and bananas. We started our dessert course and Chris told me I was the love of his life and as he dropped to one knee asked me if I would do him the honor of marrying him. I was beaming and hugged and held him close. Then I kissed him and looked into his eyes and it wasn't until I was a spark of concern I realized I hadn't said yes yet! I quickly said yes and as relief washed across his face we kissed and toasted and floated on a little cloud al the way to our home.

So after the wait for the ring and for the boy do ask the question in his way I do have to admit I am glad we did it the way we did. We planned when we were suppsed to, we got engaged when we were supposed to and we will be getting married in the way that is right for us.

I can't wait for the happily ever after part with the man I love.....

The Negotiation Method

So I am getting back into the swing of working out and it is beyond frustrating how I have in my mind where I was physically when I jumped off the wagon and my body just won't do what it used to. I keep telling myself that it took a bit to get back OUT of shape so its ok that it takes a bit to get back INTO shape -but that doesn't help when I am trucking along and can only max out at a fraction of what I used to do. The fact that I am heavier (again) than when I got off the cookie diet make me mad, sad, frustrated, and is just damn pathetic.

Yes I know I can't change what I did yesterday, I can only go forward from here BUT......grrrrrrr!!!

So what finally kicked my ass and got me to at least begin getting back on track you ask? It was a dream.....I had this very vivid dream where me (the me I am now) came face to face with the future me (the me I will be when I hit my goal weight). I don't recall any details of the dream per se, I was just left with that mirror image and being both thrilled and excited about how good future me looked and how flat out disgusted I am with present me. I can't tell you or even begin to explain the amount of shame I feel for doing exactly what I said I wasn't going to do- ever.

I don't have a good excuse (not really) I just took my eye off the ball and it was easier to give up than to get back in the fight. I could list out a ton of really good and valid pseudo-reasons and you all would nod and sympathise and let me off the hook cuz that is what we do for people. For the most part we enable them mostly cuz we might need someone to let -us- off the hook someday and we would like the favor returned. It's only polite...

None of that changes the fact that I only fit in 3 pairs of pants. I guess the one good thing I did was get rid of all my "big" clothes cuz I can't afford to go shopping so that really does only leave one option cuz I am pretty sure jammies aren't in the corporate dress code (although some people in my building might argue- but that is a whole 'nother blog topic).

So I started working out last week by figuring out a work-around to a dvd problem. One of my "excuses" to not working out was I switched DVR's and the new one doesn't play well with my DVD player so I can't work out cuz I can't play my Biggest Loser DVD's- good excuse right??!! Oh and my home laptop crashed so I couldn't use it either- see?? IMPOSSIBLE to work out under those conditions!

Ok, so I finally conceeded that it was perfectly possible to bring my work laptop home and play them on it (until the magic dvd fairy comes to fix my dvd/dvr issue- why cant we all get along??) So that issue was solved and I got reacquainted with Bob Harper.

I tell ya, he looks so nice on tv...until he is kicking your ass and its only level 1! Geesh!! I have Jillian's dvd too but it is still safely in its plastic wrap. Oh yeah, I am scared of her, not gonna lie!

I want to get a good mix going so the next day I decided to do cardio and got back on the treadmill- Ol Bessy. Now Bessy obviously did not recognize me (can't blame her, it has been awhile) and not only did a teeny workout kick my ass I got a huge frickin blister for my trouble. Great!

So, back to Bob....a bit slower this time as muscles I don't even know the names of hurt now but I made it through (mainly cuz I could do it barefoot- blister still hurt-owwy!).

Next day, back to the treadmill.....now I doubled up on socks and layered 2 bandaids on the blister so it would be nice and protected right? WRONG-O! In less than 10 mins it was rubbing my foot raw.

Dilemma.....I want to kick this week off right and not half ass anything so I can't quit after just 10 mins. What to do? Only one choice....I kicked off my shoes and continued to workout in just my socks.

Ummmmmm, yeah, I do NOT recommend that. You may now examine the picture for the answer "why not"....and yes. I do consider myself a supreme dumb ass as even while I was doing it I knew I would regret it. I figured I would suffer later...and I did.

So now all my muscles hurt and it feel like I am walking on razor sharp rocks with every step. Awesome. Good thing the next day is Friday and I was forced to use the day as a "rest day". Chris and I did end up doing a bunch of errands so there was a fair bit of walking but nothing that would do any damage. Then Saturday I gave myself the gift of going to yoga and after a great class with lots of stretching I felt MUCH better and back on track. Sunday was Bob again and it wasn't so hard and I wasn't as sore after. Yay- progress!

Then today......we had a team lunch and I had a bit more to eat than I planned and had a total crash by the time I got home. I did NOT want to workout- at all. BUT I promised myself so after stalling as long as I could by talking to Chris I got off my ass and went to the gym. I had delusions of getting on the elliptical but 5 mins in I was over it. I just couldn't get in a zone. So I switched to Ol Bessy and started trotting along.

Now comes the Negotiation Method....

I can't be the only person who does this so tell me if this sounds familiar. I walk along and start to think about how long I plan to go for (30 mins plus 5 mins cool down). Then I start planning out the next 5 mins....I usually try to do a bit of interval training.....go for 5 increase speed for 30-60 seconds then go back to normal pace and repeat. So I start making myself deals....when you get to "x" we can increase for 30 seconds and if you do that we can knock off 5 mins at the end. Then I got for another 3 mins and start planning the next 5 mind deal. Then when I get to 15 mins I think, ok that is just half, well not really cuz it's really 35 mins not just 30 so 17 is more life half and I have been really good (which is a lie but I can talk myself into believing that) so how about we knock off at 20 mins? Then at 20 I think, well I have come this far I might as well finish what I said I was gonna do cuz its all down hill from here.....then "suddenly" I am done.

Ta-Daaaaaa!

Behold....the Negotitation Method. Feel free to use it as your own if you aren't already.

:)

Hiding

So where have I been and why have I been hiding from you? Well as always its not you I have been hiding from but myself. You see sitting here typing into this blank box is me facing myself and for the past few months I have not been able to do that. I wish I could blame it something like being so distracted by playing house with my boy that I haven't had time but that isn't true. Chris is my biggest fan and I know it has him pretty concerned that I have shut down this part of my life when it has meant so much to me the past few years.

The truth is I feel like I have failed myself, failed you all and I just couldn't face it. Those of you who saw me when I was back for Kim's wedding could see I have gained a fair chunk of weight back. I have justified it at every step telling myself "still, not as bad as it was" which is true and I keep telling myself gaining weight doesn't take away from the fact that I lost 200 so I should still be proud but.....it is killing me. It hurts me to look in the mirror and see the belly back. I worked so hard and it was all too easy to let it creep back. I know I can get back to where I was and Chris and I have talked about it a lot. He has a few lbs he'd like to shed as well but its hard to get back to that disciplined place I was last year.

So I get more upset with everyday because I did exactly what I said I wouldn't. I swore I would be one of those people who lost the weight an never looked back. Well my backside is the one looking at me now and its laughing, well.....you get it.

Anyways so that it the truth, the whole truth and I am sticking to it. Where do I go from here is the question.......

Stay tuned.

Family

Funny what it took to bring me back to my blog. It was my brothers death that first prompted me to post here and then after I had gone dark for months as soon as my niece was in danger it was the first thing I came back to as a means to connect.

The update is good- the bastard is caught. Here is the recap for those who did not get the whole story. My 17 year old niece Sierra was starting her first day of her senior year on Thursday morning. She drove to school, parked in the student parking lot then crossed the street in the crosswalk to go into the school. One of those first day of the rest of your life moments when BAM! Out of nowhere a black Nissan truck going approx 30-35 miles an hour hit Sierra head on. She flew 10-15 feet in the air and landed 30 feet away from where she was hit. As she lay there the driver of the truck stopped, got out, walked over and asked if she was OK and if she needed an ambulance. She replied she was NOT ok and did need an ambulance and he then asked one of the students in the quickly forming crowd to dial 911 as he got in his truck and took off.

Sierra was then taken by ambulance to the hospital (after she was put on a back board and had C collar put on the stabilize her neck). She had some road rash, a goose egg on the top of her head and her knee has probable ligament damage and is in a brace. We will have to wait until the swelling goes down to see what the story there will be. In other words....the kid is a walking miracle. She was texting me later in the day and asked me if I thought it was Troy or my Grandma who caught her while she was flying through the air. I originally said both but my sister Toni did make a good point that Troy was never up before 1st period so it must have been Grandma.

The manhunt began with the Boone PD releasing the description of the truck and driver. I did what I could to pass on the info via Facebook and used some connections I had to get local TV stations (in Iowa) to cover the accident. Thankfully my friends came through for me and I am so grateful and thankful to everyone who reposted and looked for the bastard. I had friends telling me they were peeking into garages to try and find this jerk. I did not recommend that but it was appreciated none the less. Big thanks to WHO, KCCI and ABC who all did on camera interviews with Sierra and posted the description. Not that I doubted the police were doing everything they could but I learned quickly that 60% of all hit and runs never get solved plus Sierra is going to be OK so there is less urgency. So to have that much attention might have helped motivate the authorities just a bit more.

So Saturday am a report came through that the vehicle was spotted in Des Moines and the DSM PD had arrested him. Well that turned out to be a hoax however during that same period the vehicle was spotted in Boone. There was a female driving and when pulled over she told the cops that he boyfriend often drove the truck. The police went to his house and in a few minutes he confessed. As it turns out there are also warrants for his arrest in 2 other states so it looks like he is going away for a good stretch.

So to say it was an emotionally crazy week is a bit of an understatement. And it had been a touch week before that so yesterday I melted down hard core. Then today I find out a good friend of mine lost his brother last week and somehow it all came together for me.

Family......its all about family.

Chris and I have been in our little new roommate honeymoon phase and that has been great. It has been pure bliss having him with me here. I wake up every morning so overwhelmed with love for this man and we are building our life together. We are also building our extended family of friends and contacts and fuzzy critters. And then there is the family I was born to that is embracing Chris as he gets to know them. I love them all and am so blessed to have them all in my life.

Love.....family.......that's all I need.

News piece(s) on Sierra's accident

See the news story that ran last night on WOI-TV in Iowa on my niece:

http://www.woi-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=13016251


Boone Teen Hit by Truck, Walks Away with Minor Injuries

A Boone teen could have lost her life on the first day of school, but instead walked away with just minor injuries, after a truck plowed into her.
17-year old Sierra Owen doesn't remember the impact that sent her flying 30-feet backwards. She had started walking toward the entrance of Boone High School on one cross-walk, and then ended up in the middle of another.
As Sierra lay on the ground, the man who hit her, got out of the truck, and asked the teen if she was alright.

"I remember seeing him,"Owen said. "I didn't know it was him at the time, this guy just came up and I thought, I've never seen you before, and then he just disappeared, and then I was told that he was the driver and I was like, what a jerk."

Then as quickly as they had appeared, the driver and the truck, were gone. Leaving a bruised and battered Sierra behind.

"(I have) a big bump on my head...they think I may have torn a ligament in my knee...some cuts on my back, my back is pretty scrapped up...some road rash, but other than that, nothings broken, which I'm really surprised and thankful for."

Sierra and her family hope that the person responsible will be caught, and are disappointed that he didn't stick around the scene, after plowing into a student on the first day of senior year.

"It's all about taking accountability of your actions," Sierra said. "As my mom has told me, many, many times."


And here is the KCCI story (no interview- just story)

http://www.kcci.com/r/24698706/detail.html



BOONE, Iowa -- Boone police are asking for the public's help to find a black Nissan truck involved in a hit-and-run crash on Thursday.

Officers said the driver, a man in his early 30s, hit 17-year-old Sierra Owen Thursday morning as she was crossing the street to go to school.

Owen's mother told KCCI the driver stopped and asked if she was OK and then told another student to call 911 before driving off.

Owen has several bumps and bruises and a possible knee injury.

The driver is described as having dark hair and a goatee.

Sierra struck by Hit and Run Driver

Please repost and spread this description- my niece Sierra Owen was struck by a hit and run driver this am.

Click on this link for the news story or read it here:

Breaking: Police search for hit and run driver
by Greg Eckstrom
Published: Thursday, August 19, 2010 2:11 PM CDT
Police are searching for a vehicle that was involved in a hit and run accident in front of Boone High School at 7:44 a.m. Thursday morning.

According to emergency radio communication, the victim was a white female, 17 years of age, and was conscious, alert and breathing following the accident.

Police are asking the public to remain on the lookout for a black, early- to mid-90s Nissan pickup truck with a short bed box and a single cab. The vehicle is in very good condition, with the exception of damage to the front driver’s side bumper, which may be hanging down.

The vehicle was possibly driven by a white male in his early 30s with a muscular build, short, dark hair and a dark goatee.

Anyone who recognizes this vehicle or may know the driver is asked to call 911.

Thanks to my hometown friends and family who are spreading the word so we can catch this guy!

My Boy's Blog

While I get my arse in gear check out Chris's blog.....I'll be back soon. I promise