We are just 15 days into my "unemployment" (I am officially employed until June 13th) and it's been really nice to just relax. Not having to get up at 5am means I can stay up past 9pm and because Momma is up Q has adjusted her schedule accordingly too. It really has been heaven to have cuddle time in the morning and just be with my family and yet...
I feel this sense of "something is missing". It's that "did I turn off the coffee pot" feeling- mild anxiety while talking yourself into the fact that everything is fine. That unshakable feeling that something is not right.
I don't have to set my alarm.
I don't have any meetings or conference calls.
I don't have to do anything right now cuz I can do it when Q naps.
I was just talking to my husband (while he is between HIS conference calls) and explaining my current head space to him. I was wondering even this morning if I really am a person who can live without a signature line in my email. Can I really truly be a stay at home momma? I really have no idea.
We were going to be putting Q in a toddler program for the summer to give Chris some work time and let Q get socialized but I am putting that on hold until fall so we can find our routine. I need to start doing some research and figure out what we can do as it starts getting HOT outside. I need to find out where all the cool moms go- literally!
So as I start getting the house organized (long overdue) and getting a Q on a new schedule and start finding some activities to keep us busy my inner dialog keeps asking me- can you do this? For reals?
I have to admit its scary to think of not earning a paycheck. I pretty much insisted Chris quit his gig and start his own business when he moved in 4 years ago and since it takes awhile to build a new biz I also accepted the role of steady income earner. To not have my own check seems surreal to say the least. It really has nothing to do with income to the house- I am confident Chris can more than cover my income with his new venture but its MY earnings that will be missing. It just feels weird.
I have been running with the other rats for so long- racing for the piece of cheese some bastard keeps moving I don't know if I can stop.
As I have been finding a new appreciation for Disney movies I will quote the very current and trendy Elsa....it is time to (gulp)
let it go......