Thursday, May 1, 2014

Where the heart is

Who am I? Where should I be right now? What would really make me happy? At any time these questions are rolling through my head. Even more so since I became a mother! I am not gonna lie- as the days of my maternity leave came to an end I got more and more depressed and starting the week before I went back to work and lasting for the first 6 months I pretty much cried myself to sleep and was still crying as I left the house. I counted down every second and would literally run into the house to pick up my baby and cuddle her close. I felt with every fiber of my being that I was damaging her by not being there when she needed me the most. I had stopped breast feeding by the time I went back so it wasn't the food issue but I felt she just needed ME to be there with her. 

Truth be told I still tear up at least once a week as I kiss her forehead while creeping out the door.

Luckily we have been able to swing our schedules so while I am at work Chris can be the primary caregiver then we tag out when I get home so he can work on his business and on those days we need extra coverage we have a sitter who comes to our house. It has worked out as well as can be expected and despite my fears and worries Q is a very happy and well adjusted kid.

Still my soul literally screams that I should be home with her. 

I am very luck to have a solid job that has given us stability and any of you folks who have a brilliant entrepreneur in the family as I do know that as a business gets launched it sometimes takes a supplementary income to balance out those highs and lows. I am beyond grateful to have a job that provides for my family and we have been very grateful and yet I have to say it is more of a struggle than I imagined being a working momma.

It's not the hours, or the juggling or the multitasking even that bothers me. It really is just that stronger than steel bond I have with my daughter that pulls me to her and causes me physical pangs of longing when I am not with her. And let me be clear- never in a zillion years did I think I would have feelings like this. I had settled into the "motherhood is not for me" boat and was just fine. I had made peace with the fact that having a kid was not on my to do list and that was perfectly ok. 

And then a boy came along.....

And then a baby girl was born....

And my need to be with them is tangible and physical and so powerful it is overwhelming. 

I need to figure out who I am and what my passion is now but for now the title I really want is....Momma.