Saturday, November 1, 2008

Ungrateful Bitch

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Ungrateful Bitch

Current mood: frustrated

Category: Life

Hi, my name is Tracey and I am an ungrateful bitch. It's true...I have been getting so much support and encouragement and love coming my way and I don't really accept it. I try. I really do. I try to be grateful and smile and just say thank you. That's what I should do and frankly, I think that's all any of you guys want in return. But I have this need to be as real as I can and I (sometimes wrongly) assume that when people make a comment or ask a question they want a real answer. Most of the time they don't though and when I try to explain or address their comments with more than a "thanks so much" or "great!" I get a reaction that makes me feel like I am a total ungrateful bitch.

Sorry...dunno what I can do about that.

The truth is that this isn't as easy as it looks. I don't think I have made it look particuarly easy but I guess to some people (the casual observer) this has been a succinct and smooth process. This has been, without a single doubt, the hardest year of my life if every way. I wouldn't wish this year on my worst enemy and it's not over fact, I fully expect it to carry over into next year. I keep telling people about my different "situations" and they seem to want an end date. When it will be "over". God, if you find out will you tell me? I'd LOVE to know. I have no clue, no one does and that makes this all so much more frustrating.

Let me break it down...

My legs (someone asked for an update). There is no change. I still wrap them up in the 5 layers of bandages every night. I try to have them wrapped by 8pm so I can get a full 8 hours of compression before I get up and peel them off when I get up everyday at 6am. I still wear the compression stockings everyday. First I slip on the little wax paper shoe (its called a "donning aid", cute sounding eh?) then I put on my bright orange (yes Wendy I think of you know when I put them on knowing its your favorite color) rubber gloves then once in place I use body adhesive to keep them from rolling down. When I get home from work I use my compression pump for 30-60mins (although my therapist did say I could skip a day now and then, that it shouldn't run my life- yeah, right). And that is my routine...everyday. Oh, sorry, on Saturdays I get a little break when I wash both the banadage and stockings. Whee! When people ask when I "get to stop wearing that thing"...I don't have an answer. This is chronic, that means it won't go away. It is possible that as my weight loss continues that will take some pressure off and I might get to a point where I don't need to use the bandages at night but at this point...I have no clue. It just is what is and and it will last until "..."

The weight loss...yeah, it is going well. Progress is being made. I am now down 130 pounds. That is good. If someone I didn't know (or someone I did) told me they lost that much I would be impressed and congratulate them. I try so hard to do just that but the truth for me is- I still have a long ways to go. And I have to say it's getting to the point where it's almost embarrasing to tell people the number because as that number gets bigger and I clearly still have more to go it just makes it more and more evident how much I have to lose and how obese I let myself get. I don't know how many people are doing the math at home but I have at least another 100 lbs to go. Yeah...I am getting there but I am literally just so in the middle of it that its hard to take those moments to accept the comments without a frown cross my face, cuz if I think of where I am it also reminds me of how far I have to go. And it's also that self aware thing I talked about before. I can be happy and celebrate buying a smaller size clothes but that just makes me hyper aware of my body and the saggy bits and wrinkly bits and I don't even know what I will look like when I do lose the weight (reality is that I will have a ton of loose skin that I will have to have surgery to remove to look "normal"). I have been burning the ship and getting rid of clothes as soon as they get too big (as much as I can) but then I have to face what sizes I was and there is still some deep shame in that. Something I never really admitted to by the way, the shame I have felt everyday for being a fat girl. That is so slow to fade. And when will I hit my goal? My plan is June but who knows. And even when I hit my goal weight will I feel "done" until I get tightened up (and I am here to say I do NOT have 30k to pay for plastic surgery). And even then will I feel like I have "arrived" until I maintain my new body for a couple of years. Most people who lose a ton of weight do gain it back. I for DAMN sure do NOT plan on being on of those people but I do think about it. So when will this be done...? "..." is the only answer I have.
Grief....I'll never get over losing my brother. Just last weekend I had a moment where I was like"wow, it doesn't hurt so much" and felt like maybe I had turned some kind of corner in the grieving process then it hit me like a brick wall the next day and I spent the day sobbing, everytime I turned around another memory broke me down and I know it will be that way forever. And my family...we are all broken and I am doing everything I can to help and support them all but I am not there and for the first time since I left Iowa I feel guilty about that choice and even more that given the chance I would not move back there anyways. That makes me an ungrateful bitch.

And I know some of you will want to tell me I am wrong and say nice things and while I thank you upfront for saying and thinking that I won't believe you because I am still just so in the mix of all that is going on. I am not capable of letting it in even though I need it around me so so much.

I wish it was over and I was happy and perfect and healed and whole and could then use my evil powers for good but that's not gonna happen, at least not until ...

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