Friday, November 28, 2008
A letter for Bubba
Current mood: sad
I have been writing this to you in my head for the past few weeks. That must be why you keep popping into my dreams. The dreams are always the same. So many people milling around and I somehow get you alone for one last chance to talk you out of it. One last moment to do what I can to change things and stop you. It never works and I wake up everyday feeling like I have failed you. One of my friends asked me if there is anything that could have changed things and I think we all know its a moot point. So many questions people ask me about you are pointless. "Why" is still the big one....people have this out of control need to have "x" as the reason and be able to put it all in a little cubbyhole so it makes sense and the world can be right again. I am getting tired of fighting the battle of trying to explain that the reason they are looking for is for them and doesn't matter one little bit to you or the people who love you. None of us will ever know what was going on in your head or heart and in the end- it does not matter at all.
I have been trying to focus on the good memories, really been making an effort but the holidays are looming like the biggest, darkest of clouds coming over the horizon and there is no escape. I will not be going home and while that does ease some tension and won't stress me financially it does mean that I will be here alone dealing with my own pain. I have tried to hard to be strong for the family and I don't think I have done enough- I know I haven't. I can use the excuse of distance but that doesn't matter. And certainly if someone doesn't want to be helped they won't be. I just wanted to badly to be the one who eased the pain of others and in many ways I think this past year has really put the spotlight on some fatal flaws and rifts in the family. I want to fix them all, I really do but at what expense? I want to talk about and really mend some of the issues that go back for years but if the other party doesn't want to look into that mirror and face that their actions hurt many people, what can you do? It's the nature of loving someone that they can hurt you the deepest and I am on my knees trying to fix or mend or at least be honest for the first time about the hurting but I am the bad guy then. Your way of dealing was just to unplug and "don't play". Somedays I think that is a great idea but then, that didn't work out so well for you did it?
I feel so lost most of the time. I wish I could call you at least once a day and tell you how wrong you were and explain what a hole you have left in everyone's life. How did you ever think that leaving us would help? It's been almost a year and I think everyone is still stuck. Everyone is hurting and at this point, I don't know what its going to take to get back on track. You can't really say get over it can you? I don't know how to get over losing you and I don't ever want to. I still don't know that I feel you with me but I have been assured many times that you are. I hope so, its a nice feeling thinking that I do have someone out there on my side, rooting for me and proud of me. I swear I am trying Troy and if you know what else I can be doing please find a way to let me know. You are missing so much and it hurts everytime something happens that I know would make you laugh or make you proud.
I don't know how to get through the next couple of weeks and I would rather abolish the holidays and never even aknowledge them ever again but I don't think the world will cooperate with me on that. So much is still broken and I can't fix it and that makes me crazy. It is so frustrating.
All I can say is I love you, I love you, I love you a million times and hope it reaches you and some of that peace that I hope you have found finds it's way into the hearts of everyone who loves you. That would be my holiday wish for everyone. Just one moment of perfect peace.
I love you and will hold you in my heart forever- you are my big brother and I hope you are there, protecting me and my heart and all the family the best way you can.
And because it means so much to me (and I hope you like it too)
From The Little Prince:"All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–"
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You–only you–will have stars that can laugh!"
"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'"