tough

Sunday, June 01, 2008

tough
Current mood: okay

Hello all! Sorry for the long silence but my computer is being fixed....I think I picked up a virus so my friend Meegan is trying to fix it for me. I can get into myspace at work but I just pop on to check email.

Anyways...I will make this a short one. I have lost 41lbs so far and the diet is going ok but stress in may other areas is going crazy. I am doing the best I can but this is def. another tough patch. I will keep my head down and do what I need to do but this is tough....

love to all xoxoxo

30 the hard way

Saturday, May 17, 2008

30 the hard way

Current mood: mellow
Category: Life

Hello all, I feel like I have been neglecting my little blog here but I have been (and still am) having technical issues. For some reason my laptop has decided that the speed of choice is "slow to I don't fricking think so". That being said I have not had the patience to speed an hour (seriously) to wait to see if I can even get online. Ugh.
So what is going on in my world? Well the work drama has subsided a bit and it is nose to the grindstone time as far as sourcing new business. Everyone keeps talking about the slowing economy but all this really means is that it is time to do what you should be doing all the time. At least from a sales perspective that is- in sales you always need to focus on marketing and developing new leads and when things are good that part is easier because more people need you. Know you have to dig a bit and qualify more- in other words, work for it! I did have a good month andf I am gonna have to hustle to get some stuff in the pipeline to close next month. I have been attending a lot of networking events as well which is cool but far less fun when you can't eat or drink.

Ok, kept you waiting long enough...on to the diet update. I have officially passed the 30lb mark. Yay! It's nice to have hit a milestone like that. I am not sure why I consider 30 a milestone but for some reason that has just been the first hurdle in my mind. I have to admit it is a struggle and a learning process. I have been working on trying to mix up my evening meal choices cuz someday when I am off the cookies and need to figure out how to eat 3 healthy (real) meals a day I need to know what those options are. The more I get into this I realize how little nutrition was a part of my life even back to my childhood. I was totally raised on junk food punctuated by very brief moments of an attempt at eating something good. I go to the store and walk through the produce dept and I am truly lost. I haveno clue about veggies, what the difference is or how in the world to cook them. People have been teasing me cuz I have gotten so excited about the Green Giant steam bags that are all mixed veggies and you just pop in the microwave. Apparently you can steam veggies like in a pan or something? I don't get it...anyways it really all does go back to how uneducated I am about healthy food. It's going to take awhile to unlearn a lifetime of bad habits and choices. Oh and the cravings? Yeah, they aren't going away. In fact I have decided I am never gonna be a person who will be able to say (honestly) that I don't want any junk food. When I drive by a fast food place I desperately want to go in. I think I always will and because of that I more and more relate myself to an addictive personality. Maybe I am and always have been a food addict. I thought I was smart to stay away from drinking and drugs but I guess you can pick all kinds of poision if you are the type. One can try to destroy themselves with all kinds of things.

On the other health issue- my legs are getting worse before they get better. I have not gotten the pump that is supposed to relive the fluid build up in my legs yet and since I have been walking everyday to increase my circulation and for exercise in general the result is the open sore on my left leg has been draining like crazy (I know, its gross). I went from bandaging it once a day to needing to change it 2-3 times a day. I guess that is a good thing but it is causing the skin around where all the fluid is draining to become very irritated- which is then made worse by the walking. All a very vicious circle at the moment. I should have the pump soon and that will help and begin the actual treatment and hopefully it won't take long for the sore to heal. I gotta say I am totally over all this wound care stuff. And then this will be something I need to deal with the rest of my life. Fun.

So that is my update....take care all and I love you!

Standing your ground

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Standing your ground

Current mood: okay Category: Life


Crazy is the best way to describe this last week. Crazy crazy craaaaaazzzeeeee. There has been some work drama brewing for a long time that finally spilled over and made for a very ugly scene. I was not directly involved but when there are only 3 people in your office it is hard to not be affected. The whole thing ultimately reminded me though of how important it is to always stick to what you know is right and be true to who you are. The details of the drama has no importance but what I am pleased about is I really stood my own ground and when my opinion was asked for I gave my views, stuck with the facts, did not get emotional or take anything that was going on personally (the same cannot be said for other that were involved, trust me). I just knew through all the building tension and the final blow up that I was in a good place because I was able to stand firm on my merits (who I am and what I have contributed to the team) and kept a very logical and cool head about me.

Now those who know what has gone on in my life the past 2 years have an appreciation of what a moral victory that is for me. It can take a lifetime to learn that lesson and it takes a lot of life experience to hammer the point home but in this case, I got it and it worked out to my advantage. I was my bold, blunt, "it is what it is" observational self. I offered my opinions and insight when asked and answered not from any agenda but with what the best result for the office, company and individual would be. I took the high road at all times and I feel very good about my role and how this gives me some major cred for future situations. There is huge value to showing people you can keep it together and be level headed in times of stress and chaos. That's not to say I didn't get very mad and blow off steam but when I did, it was to the right person. Someone I could trust and who could actually do something about the situation. It was not my battle to fight or win but I certainly had a role and I did my part well. Ok, done patting myself on the back now. Yay me...blah blah blah....

Now the interesting side effect of the above situation (and the reason I mentioned it at all) is how it tripped one of my emotional triggers. After the whole caper blew wide open I needed to step away and just collect my thoughts and as I was driving around I really wanted to stop at a drive through and get a big chocolate shake. It was all I could do to stop myself from giving in to that desire. And as a result I have been having a ton of cravings this week and thinking about just chucking this whole thing and diving into a big plate of pasta. I was aware that I have often rewarded myself with food. It has long been my habit to go and load up on junk food on a Friday night as an end of the week treat and I also knew I depended on comfort food to take the edge off an emotional day but seeing and feeling these triggers pop up now is very interesting. I am still sticking to the diet but one night this past week I went a little over the protein requirement and at that moment I could see very clearly that my feet are, and will be for some time to come, at the edge of a very slippery slope. Sliding off the edge is just a teeny mis-step away. Scary to think something I am putting so much effort into can be lost in an instant. I never really classified myself as an food addict although I do think that along with depression there is a strong tendency in my family towards addiction (which is why I never ever got into drugs and only ever drank moderately- I was scared of getting to far into it where I lost control) but I can see now some very "addict like" behaviors in myself- so much for avoiding the bad stuff. It's scary and horrifying to start to see and feel how out of control I have let myself go.
I did have my first doctors appointment at the clinic last week and after a little flux I am officially at 24.5 lbs down and more importantly I have lost 3% of my body fat. What is important about that number is it does not measure any fluid loss (which varies depending on a lot of things) it measures actual body mass (its called BMI- Body Mass Index). So, good news but it is very clear to me right now that this is indeed a marathon and not a sprint (as the doc told me) and there will be weeks were the news is not good but all there is to do is to re-commit everyday to getting the end result that I want. Oh, I have also started some light exercise per the doc (15-20 mins of walking per day) which I am hoping will get easier and I'll be able to do more once I get the lymphodema in my legs under control. I should be getting my leg pump (which re-circulates the fluid that has built up in my legs that my lymph system is failing to do now...did I mention that this is chronic and I'll have to deal with it the rest of my life along with my thyriod issues? Fun!). But I do look forward to a more physical and active life...just in time for 110 degree days. Oh boy.

Ok....I think that is about it. I have bored y'all enough for this week. I love you all.

xoxo -T

Don’t fear change

Friday, April 25, 2008

Don’t fear change
Category: Life

Change has been on my mind a lot lately- you have been witness to some of them as I archive this process for all to share with me. I don't know what drives me to change- it certainly is not a family trait. I am the only one in my family who does not still live in Iowa. Pretty much everyone put their feet on a path and have been walking it pretty steadily ever since and have not changed much since. I have always been a bit more restless than that. I have lived in 3 states (so far) I have had 4 jobs in the last year (not entirely my fault) and now I am embarking on the biggest change of all right now.

Then there is the big change that shook everyone in my life's world, the death of my brother. My whole family is still struggling with the change that has caused. It has changed all of us and the ripple effect of his passing is still being felt. I have greatly improved my relationship with my father and cousins (love you guys!) but I am barely speaking to my mother all as a result of the change we have gone through. And I know the kids are struggling so hard....I want so much to sweep in and give all this advice but I know they have to walk their own path and be their own creators of the change they want. I hope all my family comes to understand that we create the good we experience and good will come of this. I have used this tragedy to kick myself in the ass as hard as I possibly can. No more excuses, no more hiding. My brother and I shared our greatest fear- to be alone. He chose his way to deal with his fear and I chose to keep myself so far away from love (and its handy counterpart- rejection) that I threw myself into work (taa-daaa, Professional Barbie to the rescue) and abused my body so much that no one would want me. My weight has been a nice "keep away" sign that I strapped on and have hid behind ever since. It's actually pretty scary to think of the end result of all this....what the hell am I gonna hide behind once the weight is gone? And as far as the kids being afraid of who they are now that this has happend to them...I can only hope my example and support shows them there is a good path that they can walk from here. Not an easy one....but one that will lead them somewhere good, somewhere my brother would be proud of.

Ok...I have kept you waiting long enough. I have lost a total of 23lbs now! I will admit that cravings have been popping up so I have been having "mental meals" where I just remember having whatever it is I am craving. It helps....a little. BUT after I have that thought my inner warrior is right there with a big ol "you KNOW its not worth it" and he is right. I wouldn't trade a single pound for anything. I will earn every inch that melts off and I am sticking to it.


Change is good....

Caution- wandering mind ahead!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Caution- wandering mind ahead!
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

I am bored....boredboredboredboredbored. So I have been wandering around my condo doing bullshit stuff and letting my mind wander. Welcome to my inner thoughts....

Am I ready for romance? There is someone who I am very interested in right now romantically- which is a good thing. The thought of getting involved with someone has opened up a lot of thoughts and feeling that I have not sorted through in a long time. Really since I moved to AZ I have not dated a ton, there was always a perfectly good excuse to put off dating or putting myself out there in any way. I was very social and outgoing in college- so much so that my nickname was "the butterfly"...as in social butterfly. I remember my bf Janet used to get so mad at me when we'd go out that I would flit around here and there and she could never find me. Ahhhh, good times. Then when I moved to Chicago I was really on my own for the first time. I had moved there sight unseen and did not know a soul there. It was then that I did the online dating thing hard core and dated a lot, no really A LOT. It was fun and depressing all at the same time. I was so into dating and the thrill of chasing down the next guy I didn't really settle down with any one guy. There were 2 guys who I did have a deeper relationship with and they each lasted a few months each but then I moved on (for various reasons). So now that I am presented with the thought of "getting out there" again I find that I don't have any of my old "game". I used to be able to slip into "seduction" mode so easily but now I just feel akward and clumsy like I have never dated before. I would hate to screw up a potential relationship just because I am a dork but the part of me who has kept me from going out the past few years is really holding me back. I also question if this is the right time to start a new relationship when I am going through so many changes- grieving for my brother, going through this diet process. I feel like I am doing an entire re-write on the definition of who "I" am is so would it be fair to be with someone when I am not 100% solid in my own head? I hate even putting it out there that I am not that strong, independent woman who knows who she is and what she wants. When I was dating I did feel very powerful and secure in who I was and I know that was the key to the attraction and chemistry I had with the people I went out with but I really am not in that place right now. On the other hand I know if anyone would want to be with me now, as is, they would be someone I could be with for the long haul. Not that I am a total mess but if you can hang with me now, you would be amazed at who I am when I get back on solid ground. I would like the support....my sister keeps talking about her husband as being her "soft place to land". I just think that is such a lovely thing. I would to have that someone I could just sink into and know its all going to be ok. All I know is I am open to seeing what happens and I do hope for the best.

On another note I have been thinking about obsticles and how true it is that you are the only person who can hold you back for doing everything you want. It's one of those things you hear a thousand times and it just slides off your back until you hear (or think it) and just the right time and BAM! It whacks you between the eyes. I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of a fog, or funk, or whatever you call it when you just get stuck. I know how hard it is to move when the weight of the world holds you down and I especially know how easy it is to just climb into bed and hide from life. When you are in that place its like you are underwater and you can hear and see thing but it is all muffled and fuzzy and you just can't break free. I don't know the secret of how to get out from under that fog, all I know is you just have to keep marching on and keep doing the best you can until the clouds break and you can breathe again. I feel like the clouds have broke for me a bit, although I am still having days where I can't even do my job because I just have no desire to do anything but stare out the window. But, I take my own advice and keep marching on and that is why I have been thinking about how you can get in your own way. The only person who is keeping me from doing what I want and having everything I am capable of having is myself. That is true now and was always true....kinda like Dorothy and her ruby slippers. She had to go on that long ass journey just to figure out she coulda clicked her heels anytime to have gotten her ass home. I guess we all have journeys we need to take before we can admit that the only person fucking up our lives this whole time was ourselves. In one of my earlier blogs I have the piece "Time" posted...some of you know where that was from...and the quote from that which always hit me was "your life is a reflection of your mind." That just hit me because I don't think my life reflects all that is in my mind and I feel like it is my mission to live up to my own minds potential.

I just have to get out of my own way....

Week 2....drum roll please

Friday, April 18, 2008

Week 2....drum roll please
Current mood: confident
Category: Life

I am down another 7 lbs for a total of 18 in 2 weeks!

I must admit I was hoping for an even 20 but mother nature kinda screwed me on that one. The good news is with all the water I am drinking my skin did not do the usual monthly break out thing but I think it cost me the extra 2lbs this week. Oh well...next week!!

I texted a few people the results right away and the question I got back was "How do you FEEL??!!" The answer is...well I was gonna say not much different but I guess its been so long since that question was asked with a physical rather than emotional point I thought I'd break it down for each.

Physically: I am feeling good. I'd like to think there is a difference you can see but I think its too soon for that. One person did say he thought he could tell but he was trying to get laid and therefore does not count (on that score anyways). Medically speaking the infection I had on my leg is all cleared up (yay) and I had a scan done on Monday to rule out any blood clots and other icky stuff. I go next week to get those results. I truly don't think that is an issue but I suppose its good to rule that out. As far as the diet itself I am doing fine. The last 2 days I got so busy I didn't get all my cookies down (6 before 6pm) and I still need some help embracing the wonderful world of veggies. I told someone today I grew up on Mac N Cheese and Spam and they did not believe me. Some of you know all to well that, sadly, that is true. I did mix it up and added turkey patties and marinated chicken breasts to my evening meal this week. Broke out the ol GF and grilled it up! (George Foreman- my man!) I have not been "hungry" at all per se, I have been aware of my tummy rumbling but that is more just getting used to the diet than hunger.

Mentally/Emotionally: I feel solid. I feel determined and if I do have random thoughts about this or that (mmmm sweet potato fries) I can shut it down and disconnect with a "ain't worth it". Not that the diet is "hard" but it's not soooo much fun that I am willing to give up one whole day of doing it for some fries or ice cream, or cheesecake.....wait, what was I saying? (heh) I appreciate and welcome the support and I know you guys are reading this and it makes me feel good to put this out into the universe and knowing someone is reading it. I am mainly blogging for my own record. I think it will be interesting to look back in say, 6 months but this (for me) is better than a diary because I can share this with all you. I am in and I really don't see falling off the wagon. I AM gonna do this thing (snap) and see what I can accomplish. This has been a long time coming and I do think its the right thing at the right time.

Loving you all...next weigh in is next Friday so stay tuned to this Bat channel for the next update!

The Jared Effect

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Jared Effect ....or "Why you are never gonna see MY fat pants.!"
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life


I am not one to blame the media for much. I don't think tv brainwashes us (much) and I don't think video games and cartoons cause violent urges in teenagers. Mostly I think its just people who fuck things up. Plain ol' simple people. I do however know that the media helps to paint a picture. Some are pretty and glam and are meant to make us buy cars and perfume and food. But some....some images are meant to make us hate ourselves.

I am gonna pick on Jared for a minute, you know Subway Jared. Mr. Fat-Pants himself. His pants are so famous they now have made them a frickin LOGO. Fat pants as a LOGO! wtf!!? Does no one else think this might, just might send a negative message to those of us still IN our fat pants? Don't get me wrong- yay Jared for walking your ass off and choking down god knows how many yummy Subway sammiches. Kudos to you, really, but I swear everytime I see those pants a bit of my heart breaks.

Why, do you ask? Why would fat pants make anyone mad or sad. The times you see them they are unfurled like a flag proclaiming that whoever used to own these pants is now FREE, Free I say! It's a happy moment, a moment of celebration right? Then after the "revealing of the fat pants" there is always an inspiring interview to ask the ultimate question: HOW DID YOU DO IT?

Ok, up to this point I am good. I would be totally fine with the entire fat pants reveal except for this...it always comes with this little "p.s." this little story is attached to those pants that goes something like this...Some girl or some guy sits on some couch and proceeds to talk about themselves as 2 people. "Old Me" meet "New Me", "New Me" see how awful and unhappy "Old Me" was? See that sad person full of pain hiding behind that tree (or pillow, or handy family member) that person is dead and gone and now its just "New Me!" I am sooo glad that Old Me is gone and I am never ever gonna be that person again ::pan to look of horror on the speaker and proud nods from the audience, perhaps one person who used to have an Old Me as well brushes away a tear of recognition:::

You know the scene, you've seen it a million times. You'll see it a million more. I don't begrudge anyone their moment of triumph or their 15 mins to tell their story but why does everyone feel the need to disparage and hate on the person they were? That is what sends the bad message. Everytime someone tells that story the message is crystal clear. Fat people are bad. Not only bad but pathetic, unworthy, unloved, unsexy, and most of all...unwanted. By anyone. ESPECIALLY themselves.

Guess what? That bullshit is NOT TRUE. Yet fat folk by the millions find those interviews cringe-tastic because while you want the answer to the magic question- HOW DID YOU DO IT?- you have to take the beating with the self esteem stick to get the story. Why do people think hating yourself is gonna motivate anyone? It's only when you love yourself that you have the strength to pull off such a herculean effort, and lets face it- it is. It's not easy or fun and for damn sure someone (the media/society) will be at every corner just to let me know how unworthy I am now but if I renounce the OLD ME and just embrace the NEW ME I will finally, oh god FINALLY be admitted to that cool club. The one where the hot guys hit on you. The ones where you don't have to size up how many stairs you have to walk up. The one where you don't have to look and see if there are only booths you'll have to squeeze yourself into (pardon my muffin top tummy on the top of the table here, I am fine I swear) or bring out the mental tape measure for the chairs with arms and estimate how much of your ass you can cram into the chair and how much overflow there will be.

I like me. I like the me that exists right here. today. I have worked very hard to become the person I am today and I am OK with me. I hereby promise the ME that exists right now that I will never put you down or hate who you are. I love you and you are JUST FINE. You never needed to change to please anyone. You made a choice to change one thing about yourself and while of course, you will change as the result of this new life experience/journey you will always be part of the ME I will carry forward with me. Whoever I will become, I never could be with you.

And most of all, no mater what happens I will never EVER show your Fat Pants to anyone.